its feels like everything is back

i love the last kiss so much that i am listening to it on repeat.

all that i know is i dont know how to be something u miss.
u called and told me all abt those girls u met.

i get it k.
=/

but then again, i have a humming bird heartbeat right now.
cause some call it science, but we call it chemistry.

irony world i live in
JNZL

lala land not real?

As i look at it, i feel like everything is fiction.

i dunno if its real.
it does feel too good to be true.

so u want to destroy my lala land, because maybe u thought reality wld be better.
but cant u just make my lala land real?


is it just my fiction or everything is fiction?



JNZL

can u feel my heartbeat

my heart is always so defenceless, yet i seek the mutated angel.
when ever ppl form hearts with their hands, i will imagine your hand forming next to mine and it hurts.

now, suddenly my heart started to beat again.
and i understand, i am in no position to say anything.
i am in no position to demand everything. sometimes i even feel like i am a dog tht is always waiting for the owner to throw it some treats or play with it so tht i would be happy.

how could i be so happy yet so afraid at the same time.
every other words tht i didnt want to hear, it came out.

why cant u tell me what i want to hear. why is reality so god dam cruel. why am i always the losing end.
is it because i am always like on the frontline. so front ppl die first right?

is tht why i am so bruised? i am always feeling tht my heart is feeling so stuffed up.
like i am in a stuffy room and cant wait to run out and breathe in fresh air.
the thing is i cant open the door ,because i know once i run and leave the room, i wld be nth more than just going insane once more.

u know, all i want is to feel protected. right now of course i feel none.
because they cant give it to me. because hearts are not mine to keep . nv did.

i have this weed inside me tht keeps growing to a sapling tht spews out thoughts.
unforgivable thoughts.

i feel like losing it.
just once and for all. i still insist. whats the effing point.
do u know how much it hurts to be the one being pushed away?

yes , u are pushing me away. i just know it. i feel so stupid. all those talks tht u want to intro guys to me?! u know how my heart bleeds as you say it and i could only laugh it off or pretend to be angry.

because i am not angry, i am feeling so hurt. its just like telling a guy tht i am not suitable but i cld intro u to other girls. LIKE. DONT U GET IT BONE HEAD?!

if i cld cry everytime i felt my heart was torn a little, singapore would flood.
its tht feeling in my heart where i want to say things but i cant.

i really want to shout it out loud to u so tht u cld understand me a little better but no i cant do tht.
its so suffocating i got to slap my chest a little , least i get cardiac arrest.

JNZL

hua pi

i Always wanted a  mask from venetian city.
i want a full face mask.

it looks so real right. i always wanted a mask to hide myself when i am wandering in clouds of thoughts, when i am always asking myself qn.

i dunno it seems very therapeutic to me.
dont u think so? like for once we can be of equal ground with ppl.

so here comes the true topic.
为什么人往往觉得自己已经彻底认识一个人但却在最后一刻才发现，原来他是错的。
因为人心难侧。

所以我们这辈子都在猜。
即使有了答案，但却不肯定，因为答案可以随时改变。
这世上承诺是种谎言人人都爱相信。
因为只有这样，人才能对人类有信心。

如果把承诺换另一个角度来看也不过是人编造给自己一种安全感。

爱，可以让自己失去理智但也可以让自己开心。
人类真悲哀。不知到这是地狱还是莫不清的天堂。

人生本来就是自现矛盾，真是的。

JNZL

i will stand by this principle .

Yes it is hope.
all these while i felt my happiness was just like helium balloons that u gave me, prepared to fly away as soon as i let go the strings entangled tightly ard my fingers.

its so sickening to have hope and my happiness to depend on someone.
its like my mood will depend on u.

if u treat me nice, i fly up up and away.
if u treat me coldy, i would be filled with negatives.

no more . so therefore maybe good karma came back to me to enlighten me.
girls girls girls.

dont we all exp those dashed hope and heartbreak moments when we are trying to figure a guy out?
of course dont get me wrong, we girls HATE AND DETEST mind games. it tiring to the heart and soul and brain.

and of course all would be well if everything turn out fine. but what if everything u strive so hard for like think a gazillion times and check the msg twice to see if the msg was appropriate.

times when you dont know what to send to salvage things?
times when he doesnt reply you and u ponder hard and long if u shld sms him first?

we girls are thinkers. we think! we think if we were looking despo, we think if we were giving you the wrong impression, we think so hard of things to say to make u happy , smile or just to enjoy a simple conversation with us.

but u guys had to ruin it by playing games or sudden ignorance of our presence. what the heck. WE DESERVE BETTER. have u ever wondered what mind and nerve racking process the girl is thinking when we wait for ur sms. LIKE FOREVER.

URGH.
so this is the deal.
next time when anyone ask if i know xxx guy likes me, i would say it w/o blinking that if that xxx guy likes me HE SHOULD MAN UP and tell me straight.

and what if he doesnt? WELL GIRLS, just take it as though he is not into you.
the truth. no matter how shy a guy can get.

if he really likes u and wants to FURTHER(this is the point) the relationship with u to being more than just friends, he would make the god dam move.

tht is just how man is wired into thinking. if he wants to get the girl he would need to pull out all the stops.

get it?
so if he doesnt , he is not into you and please save yourself from all the heart break and punching moments by assuming he is not into you.

isnt that right ?


JNZL

words before i sleep

all the party all the late nights all the filrts and all the wrong with some rights.

i havent revise my work. tmr tmr tmr. it will always be tmr. oh shyt i know.
but its really gonna be tmr.

so as i was saying.
with all the wrong things i do. maybe deep down i crave to be like tht?
maybe deep down because i wasnt one so therefore i want it so much?

talk abt whatsapping a person who is attached. WHAT? no matter how shun xiong phrase it, according to my principals, its soo wrong.
but wth he said it was ok.

seriously is this how guys really think? so its ok for ur gf to msg other guy on a daily hourly min basis? AND U ARE COOL WITH IT?

if i am the person, sure as hell i am not OKAY.
you know maybe what isnt mine will nv be mine. but at least i tried.

so with all the emo posts, all i am searching for is for someone to love me again. not tht i will die w/o it. but i dun want to live w/o it.

partying makes me feel free again. like to make me realise for all things tht i did. it wasnt wrong. because i am single and i can do whatever i want.

but ppl think of me as a bad thing?
since life w/o love of my bf is alrdy bad enough. i cant think of other fun things tht can satisfy my thirst.

sure i love h2ht.
but i love having fun too!
i love to be wild and like i dun care abt other ppl opinion because i dun drink nor smoke nor do anything to harm others.

drinking gong cha was my joy until ppl ban me frm it.
eating ashtons with suf and others was once a big joy for me.

u really dunno how much i love steak.
and i offically HATE SOUP SPOON, SUBWAY .
WTH. I REALLY DUN WANT TO PAY EXP BUCKS FOR SOUP OR BREAD WITH A FEW SLICES OF MEAT WITH VEGS.
but yet again. its nt gonna happen anytime soon.

so i am out to find new thrills in life.

i just want to feel normal again. please dont judge me.
JNZL