near impossible

Find your passion in life. Find and enjoy the things you WANT to do that make the things you MUST do worth while.

Iwanttobeaweddingdressdesigner.ificanttheniwanttobepartoftheaction,buthowcaniaccomplishthisdream?

i wish for you to realise how i felt

dearest intended person. i miss you so much! i don't know how to tell u this but i really do get jealous when u dun communicate with me often and me seeing u communicating with others so freely makes me jealous.

=( i am a jealous girl.
and ps: the person is not a male. -___- and i am not a lesbian.

JNZL

i really can't sleep

i am in big trouble. i have insomnia. i swear i toss and turn and did exercise but i still cant freaking sleep.

i have been dreaming nightmares recently.

recently as in yest i dreamt tht i was some sort of zombie where u get infected and become a "zombie" but still act like a normal human being but u wld just want to infect others. sounds like a movie but i forgot the name.

so there is this tube coming out from my chest like some cancer patient. OMG. and my task is to kill my husband. so i had to throw yellow liquid in the injection tube and just like throwing darts. i dunno why. i have been dreaming of these kind of injections things lately.

must be the trauma of drawing blood and the stupid doc didnt console me.

screw him.

the last dream i had was i had to inject 4 blue liquid into my four fingers just because i made myself the test subject to test for medication. WTF IS THIS.

and there was a commando who commands me to run up century sq stairs. -__-

i am so afraid of sleeping nowadays tht i require ppl to comfort me tht i will have sweet dream.

how come there isn't any. and my hair / scalp smells weird when i scratch it. must be the sebum over produce due to stress.

i am under alot of unnecessary stress right now.

when ever i am on my bed i would always wish there wld be someone that wld sleep beside me. not just anyone of course but the ppl whom i wish to share my sleeping space with.

like it would help with my insomnia because i would feel "safe" and sleep peacefully.

nowadays i cant help but feel tht something feels wrong. i cant confirm it because i cannot interrogate my friends right. oh and i feel jealous too. BIG BIG BIG TIME.

i feel jealous because i felt left out. like how come tht person isn't communicating to me on her own? like i always have to try to initiate something. as u can see its not a guy problem. i felt like i am always the EXTRA. like i am not needed in her world anymore. i hate this feeling. really.

felt to me like D. how she went off just like tht. 

don't leave me behind pls? =(((((

feeling really lousy now. like really lousy. this feeling have been going on since quite long alrdy. just thtat i didn't want to bring it up on my blog. but i felt tht this is also the reason of my insomnia.

and i really feel like i missed out on something. can't really confirm but i have this HUGE HUNCH tht tells me i am right. feels like the person is dodgy like cannot give me straight forward answers. i think maybe because the person got other friends to share so don't need me already. 

JNZL

stress

right now i am STRESS
When i am stress i simply either focus or die.


really. and its the same stress as i face when i am having a major exam like a lvl.
i am so stress because there is so many things i need to understand , digest and puke out in exams in 4 weeks time and there is of course project which consists of 20% and the grp members are not auto matic enough.


i am so stress. tmr i wish to complete 3 major things.
finish my slides. (which is alot because i have to read the whole dam chapter) the lect slides are fucking useless.


study for my fin international. which is mother fucking tough.


all the swaps and what not.


lastly, i have to do my tutorial for my managerial.


and for my ITB all those essays . omg i dunno where to start.
finishing finance international is actually a really really big thing. tutorials to understand and be done , lect to be understood and be done. gosh.
not to metion my fin analysis (excel) exam is on oct 11. WTF


i always want to say i can do it independently. i need help. i need support. i totally need encouragement. what not right. i am like this.


plus my appedtitde is fucking annoying me. i am a glutton ever since i became stress. and ITS GETTING FAR WORSE. i got to stock up on healthy things to bite. like FRUITS. i can only think of tht. -__-


snack bars yucks.
stock up on veg? but wtf i dont cook.
cut  down on carbo. dam mother keep stuffing me rice. wa piang. i just love rice. u cannot put a mountain of rice and expect me not to finish it. even if i have to stuff it in i wld.


so i always had to scoop away rice before i start eating. really. like throw it in the rubbish bin so it becomes inedible.


my sly mom wld leave those rice behind and when i am hungry in the middle of the night, i wld eat on tht. wth. is she my step mom or what.
when i am stress i wld feel disorientated, feel out of place, feel fat, feel disgusted, no confidence.


i wld pluck my hair till it hurts, i wld scratch my head till it hurts, i wld sleep till my head hurts and i wld watch drama till i can't take it anymore.


fuck my life. fuck myself.
fuck this fuck that. i need to get hold of myself . i need to calm the fuck down.


JNZL

the funny thing i just discovered thanks to me visiting R fb and saw some of his pic.
when i saw something identical to what i have, it made me recall the past.

after i took out my treasure box. ya. it is really the shape of a treasure box, constructed the crystal pieces during work time at CIMB.
it contains all of my C.R.

so i took it out and wore them one by one. of course i loved the last one.
the funny thing is that it is the only C.R. that has engravings.

all these yrs, i didnt want to have any engravings and just when i wanted to have an engraved item, we did it.

but vvvvv shortly later, i cldn't wear it anymore.
i was thinking, what was the person thinking when we bought it tgt. because the situation was suppressed till my examinations were over.

was it really intended to be my last gift when picking it? was it already over when we bought it? was there anything at all when we bought it? did the person really wanted to buy it? was it being forced?

somehow, the answer rang through my head. it is as though i already knew what went thru the person mind.

i felt cheated. is it just all false , just a show?
this sucks big time.

='(
JNZL

candle light

like a candle light, it glows dimly and makes you warm.

gentle as it may seem, it burns things.

just as irony, if you were to quickly pinch or swipe ur finger across it, u will not get burnt.
as such, it depicts life too.

some people, as long as you get to know them a little, it doesn't burn you no matter what the future holds. however if you were to stick ard for long, then the actions of these ppl you chose to place them in your life would have an impact on you regardless how positive or negative it may be.

ppl always say choose your friends and partners carefully. but how careful you may be, you'll just never know when things might take a detour and in the end you wished you didn't know them at all.

so its actually fate that you may suffer these consequences. however the severity of these consequences would be entirely up to you.

just like the candle, if it hurts, pull back immediately and your wounds wld be minimal. continue to put ur finger there and ur finger will be burnt.

so its not whether you should choose wisely or not. but rather you should react wisely.
however again, humans are the irony of life. even if it hurts they wld rather stay that way. so who is it to say who is more foolish?

because fools are intelligent people who minds heart over mind.
so are they fools? are you a fool?
JNZL

nice meeting you.

sometimes, when u are unsure about urself, heaven sends someone to cheer you up and make you feel beautiful all over again.

because there are a category of people who are just pure minded and they are honest.
so while waiting for the train heading to east line at paya lebar, this person walked up to me and although he did startled me a little. i thought he was crazy or pervert.

but soon i realise he was under this category of ppl. and i took out my beats and heard what he had to say.
he was telling my dress was pretty and i am pretty and beautiful. i felt weird so i politely mouthed the words thank you with no sound at all . so after a while later when i finally registered what the heck just happened, i felt well, sort of happy?

i am beautiful yay. =)

JNZL

weird things happen

my face was totally si bei like this when i saw some things off the internet. ok to put it simply, i used facebook for its sole purpose. STALKING.

lol funny tht i stalk? nah, its common just tht ppl dont tell you only.
so i stalked my nemesis sis which i came across as SHOCKING. haha! who ever knew tht such things cld happen?

it makes me realise deeper when i continue to stalk more ppl .
many things really ACTUALLY HAPPEN. and people ard them will be like omg how come he/she so dam lucky. DID HE/SHE SAVE A NATION IN HER PREV LIFE?

lol but i am sure there are not many nations which can be continuously saved and i dont think nations are always in deep shit. like from my childhood right i only know hua mu lan and those high and mighty warriors and kings tht save nations.

so it all boils down to luck? and its just a sign the world is trying so hard to tell us, these are not miracles but in fact unbelievable things which are in your favour can happen to you too.
like maybe i wld think that i can nv ever find a guy to my liking which likes me back (mostimpt lol) may actually happen.

but u nv know what may happen in your future. so work hard now and just let life screw u up or bring you to the highest cloud. well of course many dont wish for screw ups but sometimes screw ups in life made you a better person.

well of course it only happens if u allow tht lesson/ experience to enrich urself and not wallow in it .
like i came to understand more about ............myself, like more about how ppl work.
sort of things.

BUT OF COURSE I WOULD PREFER IF I CAN ALWAYS CONTACT THE PERSON , U KNOW.

like i know i can survive. PLEASE LA WHO CANNOT. BUT.
i would be in a much much more comfortable position and be at ease when i can contact the person freq or as and when i want to contact la . AND OF COURSE IT WLD BE BEST IF THE PERSON REPLIES.

duh.. i wld look like some idiot who keeps spamming bo liao msgs and no one reply me right. like some pathetic shit like tht. been feeling this way for 2 days in a row now. =(

i am a human, i need companionship ma. so even if its a short reply i also happy wad. not as if i intend to have a long convo like tht.

SO ANYWHORE, i am feeling quite out of the norm for 2 days and i skipped sch. YES I DID IT. tsk. i am trying to control myself to be consistent. btw this is my 1st time hor.

i realised it was because i lack communication and when i msg , i got no reply. tutees dont count pls. parents of tutee of course dont count. tweets dont count too. i call also nv get to have a nice chat.

SEE I LIKE SOME CMI PATHETIC SHIT RIGHT. knn. like beggar sia.
tsk. i feel horrible abt myself too but i am only human and this is my flaw. i need to be reassured every time that you will always be there for me when u can ma. i just feels like being abandoned. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND LOR.

so i am so down tht i decided to skip sch and regretted it 2 hrs later because i am a changed person ok. I KAN CHIONG CAUSE I NV ATTEND LECTURE. i wished i cld teleport to sch straight away.

BUT AS I SAID I WAS FEELING OUT OF THE NORM.

so i really really hope ppl ard me can msg me more so tht i feel loved and like ppl are actually concerned abt me.

TSK CANT BELIEVE MY BODY AND BRAIN WAS SO BLOODY UNIFIED to really not study all the way. i think i am a person of extremes. but as i said. I WAS FEELING OUT OF THE NORM. wa piang i think i said this like 8 times? ai ya wadever u get the point.

so i was also feeling awkward. OH BTW I KNOW HOW TO SPELL AWKWARD ALRDY yay. i always had trouble typing it and instead i just replaced it with weird instead , because iphone also cannot help me correct it. embarrassed i also learning to remember how to spell it.lol kns the iphone always auto correct it to embraced. -__-ll
because i suddenly changed myself to be a super efficient person i felt really awkward when ppl promise me to do things and in the end nv do it at the deadline they promised and i had to make up false situation so as to look normal, to get things done.

LIKE I CANNOT TELL HER THAT ITS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO IT AT BLABLABLA TIME AND THEN YOU NEVER DO IT. AND WHY CANT U DO IT SINCE U ARE ALRDY AT YOUR COMPUTER AND I REALLY WANT TO GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH. AND IF YOU CANNOT DO IT BY THEN , YOU SHLD NOT HAVE SAID U CLD WHAT.

so this is what i wanted to say, but of course ,because i am an adult i had to say things like
: oh its not because i want it urgently but because xxx is chasing me so therefore i hope you wld do it quickly preferably by tonight. and when the person still fails to comply

i said: oh its been 2 days alrdy, xxx is chasing me again and its quite bad , get it done by tonight kay.
and I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY THAT ITS NOT I KAN CHIONG BUT THERE ARE REASONS FOR ME TO WANT IT URGENTLY.

AND WHAT'S WITH THE ATTITUDE THT U ARE GIVING ME WHEN U ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY SORRY.

so yar. other things too like i would WANT TO NORMALLY SAY: I KNOW RIGHT, HAHAHA I KNOW WHY U ALSO WANT TO DO THIS. JUST NOW U SAY U DONT WANT THEN WHEN I WENT AHEAD WITH THE PLAN U THINK U MIGHT BE LEFT BEHIND RIGHT. ai ya dont shy la! just admit! hahaha

BUT. i cannot say it out because its too blunt. (see i learn) even though, to me its just honesty and totally not insulting you if you wanna copy me .
 LIKE ITS NOT A SIN TO COPY THE RIGHT THINGS WAD.

 but ppl wld think otherwise and think i am arrogant and BHB and will be like : who do u think you are.

ai ya some ppl pride themselves too high ma. SO even close friends also cannot do it.

ONLY ONE PERSON which i have no restrain because i know that he knows that i totally mean no harm. like it is just a joke. tht wld be sufian lor.

either that it would be i really DONT GIVE A SHIT ABT YOU.

seriously but prob i will stop the religion / race jokes because seems like he cant take tht.

BUT, for others , i dont think they are able to realise that i have no bad intention for friends and i NEVER EVER WANT TO COMPARE MYSELF WITH THEM. please hor , friends dont compare each other, dun want to outdo each other dont want to compete with each other.

LIKE , does it really matter? friends shld be happy for each other when one gets the better. u get what i mean. maybe its only me that thinks this way. tsk tsk my friends and close friends are also quite complex. so i dont think they are able to accept my straightforwardness.well, tht ends my long ranting.

lol can u believe it, i type until my right hand numb.
so i need more msg and care and concern! =(

for a laughing picture , i came across it when i was searching for "surprised' pics.

and i found this. A BLOW UP DOLL . lol i think its funny.

LIKE WHUT?! IT LOOKS SO SCARY! HOW THE HELL ARE U GOING TO PUT UR **** in it?
i wld be scared and get nightmares pls. as in JUST LOOK AT IT. does it even look right. =___=
JNZL

change

i always think, wouldn't it be awesome when one day, with your back turned your familiar friends who never saw u for a long time mistaken you for someone else because you changed for better so much tht they are in awe?

someday i will be as beautiful as those i inspire to be.
because i have a good ground to start with! i have a good and forgiving heart. i know that for a fact because my friends told me so! and my actions made me realise tht i am different.

because i did things ppl thought was impossible.
i was indifferent when everyone told me tht i shld refrain myself.
well i did it. i am proud of it. because right now i am able to face the person with a calm heart.

i m sorry to X & M. the timing is wrong. thank you for looking at the good sides of me, and loving me for who i am. but , i can't accept hearts right now because it doesnt feel right. but i believe someday hopefully not too far away, i will find mine and u will find urs.

because someone said that the rate tht i am changing for the better is very steep! i have done well. =)
=D


JNZL