The unspoken lives on

Lies of love embraced to survive

2012-01-29T05:40:00.001+08:00

Deep down the white lies are just to protect my own pride. When asked, how cld I bear to listen to my own answers when the expectations frm you are heading the opposite ways. I just can't bear to tell you how I really felt.

I just realized after much pondering that the "new one" wld probably be "just another one".

It's because of my new found self that I am so relaxed about it. Even though flaws are fiercely obvious.

Deep down I feel like I am just closing both eyes and just walking blindly. Telling myself to not worry and just continue.

Probably we won't even have a chance to quarrel. The problem lies with what is there to quarrel. Do you understand ? That I just feel "forget it".

A smart person is required. I can't be talking about feelings and needs the whole time right?

There are also limits to how much I can ask you. So what now?

Like, if I ask a person what is the story of Beethoven and Mozart. Wld u be able to tell me?

If I ask about gadgets would u be well informed to answer my questions?

If I ask about the world problems would u be able to answer me?

I am such a curious girl. If you can't satisfy my thirst for knowledge, then how can we last?

When I am in the arms of yours I always felt secure. But in the arms of another, it feels off and because of this hidden void I never wished to show, and because of this void I never want you to know, I always tell myself that

THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN LOVE. Which currently is studies , weight. Isn't it sad that I am no longer giving love a care? How can I ever tell it to anyone.

Words from the heart

2012-01-10T20:46:00.001+08:00

Is there anything you don't wish for me to do?

You can do anything. As long as you are happy I am also happy.

When 2 people are in love , we must believe in each other.

Haha

keep things under wraps

2012-01-10T18:54:00.000+08:00

There are so many things in my life that i have to keep it under wraps.
until when nature thinks the time is right, people will naturally know.

i always wanted to show off the things i have and not be secretive but i guess this is really not happening to me in this life.

mostly its about emotions and expressing them.
but i gave away my secrets to mel which currently knows everything which is going on. well, i am just a very private person and i just don't feel safe telling others when they are so judgmental.

i need a person who looks 2 sides of everything. people have been telling me such negative comments that even i feel negative. but i hate it.

i always love looking at the positive outlook. so many articles kept saying the bad but hey! some were so positive. everyone looks at beauty differently.

but mel knows deep down its really deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep (ok u get it)
down inside me that stills stand still.

like i am only giving my outer shell and some of my insides.
but again, i can't tell you about it because you will again reprimand me so what the hell for right.

its not wounds but its kind of like deep down i know, its still there refuse to evaporate. wth .
so i can only think and of course, show the world that i am moving on. -___-

i don't think time can make it go away or make it fade but its so horrible for me to be like this. like one sided. so of course keep it deep down inside me.

like people always say why be someone else second when u can be someone else first right?
(tht's crap la)

but the main point is, while waiting for something that is not very possible , i shall... enjoy things that are possible.

anw, weird people are attracted to me i swear. not weird but extreme ppl. who are nice and sweet but...
LOL WHEN I TELL U , THEN U WILL UNDERSTAND.

till then, remember. keep it under wraps. hide hide hide u know?

JNZL

beauty and the liar?

2011-12-29T13:32:00.002+08:00

blood maybe thicker than water but it is harder to clean up when spilled.

at the end of the day,its those who know our secrets and still accept us for who we are, are the ones we can finally be our true self.

but the thing is who to tell? you may never know who has knives and who doesnt. i just feel like the whole world is judging me for whom i choose to be with. i cant bear to let ppl know the other dark half.

they always said live life simply. but how is it that i can do that? the things i discovered thru myself is still a question mark? but why do i have to care?

people say the decisions in your life makes who you become. so till then, just let me enjoy life as i should. w/o caring the eyes of others.

JNZL

Love frm ppl

2011-12-28T01:13:00.001+08:00

Always know that you are loved. Thanks for being there. Words can't explain but I felt it :)

it always gets back me back to where i started out.

2011-12-26T19:12:00.001+08:00

intheendjustlikewhatialwaysknewallalong.nomatterhowmanyguystherearenomatterhowmanymaymovemyheartnomatterhowmanythereare,itsjustlikegravityandifeellikeasinner.

becauseofallthepromisesimadetomyselfallbecomesinvalidwhenilookintheyesoftheotherandrealisethereisnodeeperloveicanevershareandthismayverywellbemylifelongscar.

takecare.
JNZL

2011. goodbye.

2011-12-26T00:11:00.001+08:00

this year has been full of ups and down and of course since this is joey ng zi lin, it means drama never cease and so therefore like what rq said: if my life were to made into a documentry it would never be boring.

so i changed rls status, broke off from my old mean and selfish self and became a better person in whole, and i learned to be independent, in fact i can safely say i am SUPER INDEPENDENT IT SCARES ME.

its good of course and i learned that even if people were to be mean towards you , doesnt mean i have to be mean towards them back. its really sincerely their lost. i gave all i cld and everything i cld when people need me because i expect great things from myself. honestly of course i always have high expectations from my close friends but i realised that there is no point in doing that because it will always lead to dissapointments and therefore just be great yourself. karma gets back real fast, as told by cpl.

but having losing friends which hurts me of course, i gained friends who are willing to stand by me in times when people gossip about me, say awful UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT ME, bitch abt me and basically they hate me.

the awesome part is when i dont even talk to them. ikr, their heads just keep forming images of me. hence ppl who are not close to me may believe in their tales and hence i naturally have a bad image. BUT, with friends to stand by me and approve of who i am which apparently is a sweet and nice and ooopss loud and ooops vulgar girl. loll. 2 sides of me sorry!

the time when ppl, leave me because of their gf, the time when ppl backstab me because.. i dunno why.
so i became very hardworking and of course trying to change my old habit of being late and not running.

i started to realise ard me that ppl are actually turning worse because of their rls and they are just so blinded. just like the past of me.

i grew wiser and smarter and learn to behave appropriately with different grp of ppl.
i also realise all my own heartaches are to be unknown to ppl and therefore cryin in slience.

i am easily upset by ppl actions.
and this december was really an unpleasant one.

my father lectured me on why i had to take up so many tuitions and why am i taking so many things at one go and nv lose weight. the thing is money makes my world go round. to be poor makes me feel so restricted and i dont want that. i also never ask for extra pocket money and i earned everything by myself.

i thought it was a good thing, you know working till exhausted. i pay everything myself.
my BJJ classes, my driving and all my taxi expenses.

all these need money. you think i want to work? lol dont be ridiculous.
so when he said all that i was really tearing up but of course no one saw. esp my little bro. i must keep this big sis is awesome image.

so of course naturally when i didnt get any christmas gifts i was also upset. like i wasnt expecting much. maybe a small one wld suffice. but no.... nth.

they cld buy things for relatives but i received nth. they cld go on tours but i got nth.
but however dad mentioned he cld give me vouchers on jan which totals up to :$$$
but, why cannot give daughter smthing on christmas lei.

i am all abt fairness but i can feel that i wasnt really welcomed by my s.m. when i asked if they had anything on for christmas but i cldn't go because i didnt know anyone there.

the truth is everyone started out by nt knowing anyone right? so maybe i was a shame or disgrace to her, so i had to be covered. i wasnt even in the family photo or in this case any photos. my dad was asking me to go over but since she responded so negatively of course i had to offer and said its ok i didnt wanna go. its all kept inside my heart and it still pains me to type it all out here because i cldnt tell anyone. like wtf .

you see, being fat will make u an outsider in my family. seriously speaking, i have to look pretty and slim and basically being a miss pretty and of course intelligent person.

so when this made me being ostracized in my family, i just kept silent. oh please , my dad even points to me and kept saying that i was super fat to all my relatives that came for christmas eve dinner.

like could i be more insulted? like even the relatives also dunno what to reply back.
u see? family my ass la.

I AM ALWAYS INSULTED AND MENTAL ABUSED PLEASE. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS AND SO USELESS AND SO DISGUSTED OF MYSELF.

I swear if i wasnt strong, i cld have suffered trauma.

so yeah, there were more down than ups but everyone has their own problems. i have to solve them by myself and you know , its always for the best.

at least my dad cares right? think optimistically and life is still good.
people still love me and i can feel that they care.

for example, you.

ps: btw w.t, happy birthday. so some reason i will never ever forget urs.

JNZL

don't come near me

2011-12-23T01:12:00.001+08:00

stay a distance, don't move until i tell you to. dont move until i do, till then let's keep our worlds parallel and never intersect. maybe a tangent would be fine but in case you decided to integrate , i would probably disintegrate and maybe then, i would find my minimum variance and pull out. because our correlation coefficient is close to negative one and our covariance is high.
JNZL

too far in

2011-12-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

first i didnt cared. then i tried to ignore. next i made up hundreds of excuses .
but when the first fake blow came, i realised i let you in too far in to my heart and brain.

how did you even got in w/o my consent.
but i do know that this has no end. hahaha really i truly do. maybe i just wanted to be really nice because u kind of deserved it. or maybe this whole thing came about because i pitied you.

whatever it is, its got to end. =)

JNZL

:( 15 dec 2011

2011-12-15T22:03:00.001+08:00

It's almost 12 so here I shall conclude my day. It is simply not my day at all. Lost all games to little bro, dad nv give me anything I guess and this year is my first year no one sang a bday song to me. We Lao I think back alrdy wanna cry. Lena wanted to give me a bag but just asked me to take the bag on the chair if I liked it. So not sincere and in the end I also refuse to take it .

Idiot dad so screwed up. I don't ever want to talk to him ever again. Or maybe just be hostile. Go china with family nv inform me, never come out to congratulate me . Just anyhow say frm the computer room. Worse, little bro also say he realized dad never give me anything. Cb I not
Materialistic lor. I just want a sincere wrapped up gift and a card like every other bday also like asking too much. I am feeling so stuffed up inside because this 20th birthday sucks so much! Just nice all my friends can't get away with their commitments then can't have a dinner or lunch with me. There is one asked me go Fridays but not close so feel awkward. Go china nv buy me gifts also. What is this !!

Brother also dunno how to let me win on my bday is it must fight to win .

And I have to act like I am totally cool abt it. Who knew i was so upset inside.

Not to mention my heels killed me. Anyway, I ate at hawker centre chicken rice when I asked two girls out. Like really refuse to be on my own on my bday. And I saw that idiot D waiting at the busstop. The one who stabbed my back a millions time never even have the conscience to wish me. IDIOT STILL DARE TO APPROACH MY GRP MATE TO ASK ABT PROJECT. Idiot, when she said all info with me why no balls come ask me personally is it.

Ya so I am now back at home again my mom pisses me off max. And I feel so upset inside. I think on this birthday no one got me any wrapped up thoughtful present .

Epic fail

hearts

2011-12-11T00:50:00.001+08:00

爱真的让人盲目了：
就像我们接吻的时候都闭上眼睛一样的盲目

its how amazing hearts connect w/o one realising.
its how amazing how you can feel something which you simply can't explain. maybe that is why people die for love. =/

JNZL

Silly

2011-12-10T18:20:00.001+08:00

Silly me. Nothing last forever hence nothing really matters.

So lies really doesn't matter. When I looked up to the nice blue sky I realized that what's really important is to really live life to its fullest. It doesn't matter if that person did anything.

Since nothing really lasts forever , why do I have to be so sensitive . Why can't I just be happier and just enjoy what I can enjoy.

Why must I be so upset abt things that are not going to be life threatening.

We lie only once right so live it better . Why must I choose to be upset. Why must I give things the power to make me upset.

I have grown a little more for now.
:)

just a white lie?

2011-12-10T12:55:00.001+08:00

i am just upset that there could be a possibility that i got lied to! when all i did was to trust. however, this gave me an opportunity to open up my eyes and to learn to never be naive. believe in only half that you hear, for you may never know if that it is real. seeing is believing and that cant be more true when google exists and when you are famous and its all online. why did u lie?

so that i could picture you better? so that you will have a better chance? but deep down its a mixture of disbelief and dissapointment. Maybe its my fault i tried to make friends? but i swear i didn't know you are like so famous. (0_0)

its like the same thing as you won't even know who park shi hoo is until u start to watch korean dramas. same thing. so u thought i would never find out?

its just fate or destiny that just so happens i went to twitter and found some info which is not exactly the same as you told me. So the detective in me sprung out and delve deeper into your background.

for any reasons that you lied, i would be ok if you wld come clean with me. i am now even suspecting if anything was real at all. But then again, i shouldnt even bother right since i would deny you even if everything was true.

i just don't like lies. that's all. i shall not let my findings ruin the fun part of human interaction. i still respect you as how i should. just that, that aside, i will have second thoughts abt any other things else. sorry.

like her voice! =)

its nth related to me okay. sparks fly? ya, my brain fly more likely.
JNZL

my cheeks are numb frm smiling to myself

2011-12-09T01:22:00.001+08:00

yes, i do have a sweet ,pretty and cute side. Yes, i am not a lesbian ,yes i am a girl afterall.

i feel so silly, i am about to die of laughing internally.

to learn to understand the meaning of not having is actually having, and to have something, will risk the chance of losing.

to think about the number of males, to think about how funny this is, to think about life?
this is a joke! life is a joke omgee

its a kind of laughter which produces when you are laughing to urself in the bus, smiling from ear to ear anywhere just by imagining, thinking about the future, thinking about how awesome one can transform.

is this a joke? because when i finally realise that to not want something, to not yearn for something, to not be obsessed with something, to not make something become my world (well money excluded), makes something just comes to me.

when i was so gaga, so mad, so crazy, such a believer, its seem tht god is funny!
like am i a saint now since i no longer crave for love? no longer crave for males? no longer caring if i am not ur type and just be natural and go along with the flow. its really weird how males are wired.

one thing for sure, woman are wired the opposite!
my birthday, as long as i get ang baos and money . its ok if i didnt really get to celebrate. and the fact that i have exams on 20th and 21st!

but u know what its ok!
haha my 5 years old wallet is so worn out!
anw, $$ is needed for my driving lessons, $60 per circuit. T^T
my gi (jiujitsu uniform) $150 omgee.
my thai boxing gloves ($50 and above)
my sports shirts, sport bras? LOL

AND BTW, the above information doesnt indicates i am attached or anything. i welcome good drama in my life though, since what's life w/o drama right? but pls god, enhance my earning capability.

i was an easy girl... not anymore. wth right, with age i shld be an easy girl. haha life is simply unpredictable

oh and er, of course the preserved memory of lying safely in one's arms is still the best feeling ever.
OH! my stomach is flatter than before, like i am serious. and nope i did not diet. and nope i didnt run.

i just jiujitsu-ed.
maybe because my muscles ache really bad, i dont have the appetitde.
or simply my workload is HIGHER THAN MT KINABALU right now.

always wished to watch movies i like. but ..........(*_*)

loves hearts although i always wonder why ppl started drawing hearts like that. arnt they suppose to look like a fist shape with blood and vessles very where? well, imagine that on ur cards , status and stuff. it wont be romantic anymore. just kidding!

i know what you are thinking. sorry that isnt my sibling. as a matter of fact i looked like a boy! so treasure ur own pretty photos and laugh at mine. but as u all know me i am optimistic. hey at least ppl dont get to say what happened to my face right? or did i evolve into some weird creature.

here's another photo! well, i guess its alright to keep posting same pose picutres with different effects since my birthday is nearing right. 15 dec feels so soon! its creepy! BOO! 20 YEARS OLD! i wished i was this age when i was 12! oh well told u life is a joke!

JNZL

Mr tofu

2011-12-08T03:43:00.001+08:00

The noble love of a guy, ditching his overseas studies for a girl and never ever let her know . Now that's a man. Tell me how not to be impressed with tofu head. Idiot GF go break up with him because got no feelings anymore. _|_

until the day i get married, i can nv fulfill this wish

2011-12-04T02:36:00.001+08:00

after watching ojakgyo brothers.

it just seems like yesterday when the time i first dropped tears when i ate at my friend's ai hui house. they were having dinner and i joined them, eating scallops with rice and soup and some other dishes.

it wasnt because the food was outstanding but because their family was too warm and close-knited that even their family dinner feels so warm. i was filled with a mixture of sadness and something else.
knowing that, i swear i will be a responsible parent when i get married and have a child. and have 4 kids!

well, that is if i would want to be in one anw, since i have learnt rls brings the worst out of me. nth good came out or rather i turned into a selfish bitch and ya da ya da. maybe i am just not meant to be in one. everything good just disappears. all my good points just vanished and of course so came the bad points.
JNZL

god

2011-12-03T01:53:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think god takes too much credit for the things in life we humans work hard for. when things get down we cant blame god. because they say god gives us hardship to appreciate things in life or to become a better self. yeah right that only happens if you are able to pick yourself up from ur own pitfall.
JNZL

Alvin

2011-12-02T05:40:00.001+08:00

december reminds me of so many things! well except that this december my workload is twice because sch is still ongoing. dam.

presents, christmas, birthdays, celebrations, mid sem exam, assignments , stress, weight and some muay thai. =)

while typing this post half way, alvin teo was dam random, like me , and asked me to call him. SG TIME :6AM.

newcastle time: 10+pm -__-

but it was so awesome because he have this special line that when i call him i only pay SG rates! LOL. he was so poor thing luh. he say he give his number to so many ppl but no one call him to ask him how is he.

if you are wondering, he is currently studying medicine. this werido call me and read thru extra readings at the same time. LOL, his power of multi-tasking is seriously of a higher level. maybe he has more brain curvatures then me?

hahaha but he told me he was coming back on my birthday which is 15th of dec. so he had to rush out some things i guess. like who doesn't.

but the funny part was when we were talking abt his friends there. apparently sg only mix with SG. hence its true that the jordy's only party and drink alcohol all the time. he mentions that the jordy's ppl must have a flaw in their system. this kind of screwed up ppl also can enter. haha.

JNZL

:(

2011-12-01T01:02:00.001+08:00

사랑에 빠지지 않을 래요
JNZL

2011-11-28T03:22:00.001+08:00

its IU old song. MIA.i cant upload the mv . its ok u can youtube it.

all i can say is that work saved me.it makes everything blurred and makes time pass fast.

JNZL

Deillusioned

2011-11-23T16:06:00.001+08:00

When someone is trying the best to pull u back to reality, accept the facts and move on.

But when u keep trying to be stubborn even though the Facts are there and when everything is already on the table and u still have to deny then u are escaping reality

U kept saying that he is not such a person. Even when he confessed everything to me.

What to do. I give up telling u nicely.
Sometimes ppl drown themselves in a world which they WANT to live in. Is it too cruel for me to pull u out before u keep sinking in deeper?

He played u but since u refused to believe and keep cooking up reasons to protect ur image of him, what can I do right? I already did my part.

U are stubborn and don't wish to
Listen to anyone advice and keep giving excuses which u always say is not excuses. Being deluded what else can I do right? :(

I feel sad and wonder if this is how people get mental when the person confess their wrong in front of the person.

Yeah, just let her live in her own world then. At least she is living :)

its ok

2011-11-23T03:34:00.001+08:00

its rather amazing.
old ones moved on. new ones come.

=D its ok, no point trying too hard. anyway, i am happy right now with so many friends caring for me. its ok, i tell myself. life IS LIKE THAT. no point grumbling and not loving whatever you have now just because u are sad that u lost the past things.

no point wondering why it turned out this way, no point wondering if everything would be fine. because everytime i wonder, i always feel sad?

shld i?
doesnt matter, when ppl need favours they will come directly to u. let's see, who stayed?
oh crap. its just ...

DOESNT MATTER, like what ppl always say, if god wants them out of your life, think twice before chasing them back into your life because u may never know if they meant well anw.

JNZL

those hidden thoughts which are hidden from you

2011-11-20T12:09:00.001+08:00

my drama ost!

dear diary,
i am a very hardworking girl who is motivated to do all my work independently and require no one to push me nor anyone needed to accompany me. i accomplished one of my life goals which is to be dependent on no one for self achievement.

forallthetimeforallthetearsiamthankfuligottogothroughyourupsanddownsbecauseitsnottrueifonlyitwasforthegoodtimes.

but i would be happier if i cld slim down now. LOL. cooking ramen while typing this. -__-

JNZL

melanine ronald and cherry chocs

2011-11-14T02:49:00.001+08:00

after LAUGHING LIKE GILA with melaine on viber it just makes me so happy and miss those random calls from friends just to talk and laugh. doesnt matter when or if u have no topic to talk about.

this is my most HUMAN MOMENT. we were talking literally nonsense. but these nonsense will be memories which will always be in my mind. laughing is destressing laughing relieves you from many things. makes u a much more happier or crappy funny person.

dragon = no brains.
i always laughed with my tutees about funny stuff. life shld be treated seriously but in times when you are so caught up with studies or work. laughing at anything is just better than nothing.

after those laughing moments, i watched so many youtubes. inkigayo and updates frm my subscribes.
i am loving this sad emo nemo song.
maybe its the impossible that makes the heart breaks. maybe its the fear of losing something which you treasure which doesnt even belongs to you makes my heart sinks a little. maybe its the fear of being sunk in thoughts that makes me study so hard. maybe its the longing that i fear so i choose to escape and not thinking about it. maybe its the fear of all of them tgt may just as well eat me inside out so therefore, i always put all my thoughts on hold and been escaping .

i never ever wanted to escape this much in life. the usual occupy urself with work and never feel sorry for yourself. in life there are always irrtational thinking which may just ruin oneself and the rationale part may just refuse to sink in no matter how irrational the thoughts are. thoughts are just thoughts and dreams are really non existent.

if all i could ask for was a wish. i would wish that i had wiser when i was younger, now and forever.
because the wise ones always always always know what to do. cherry chocs =)
JNZL

a penny for your thoughts? how abt a wig?

2011-11-11T03:31:00.001+08:00

in this era, I DISCOVERed. ACTUALLY getting PERFECT HAIR is as easy as 1-2-3

step 1: buy wig
step2: wear wig
step 3: show off.

i found out a shop that sells these awesome wigs! hassle free and next time when i go work. sorry hor. WILL always wear wig. u think i dun want to sleep more ah. got time to blow hair, style hair and not called messy?! nah.. stick to new methods la.

and not like SUPER EXPENSIVE like $200 or what. its affordable to me! shall do that 8 mths later.
-__- now studying no guys to attract so no need so ma fan.

ANYWAY
my dad just gave me an ultimatum.
either i weigh in of 58kg 8 mths later or else he refuses to pay my last sem sch fees. LIKE WTF?!
so i am stressed up all over again and thus leads to bleeding.

I AM DAM STRESS. u just dont understand what kind of predicament i am in. exercise everyday. got so easy or not. arghH! i need a wig. like NOW. -_-

my bday present all just buy me a wig can? sms me la then i tell u where to buy. hehehehehe.
JNZL

frog bloop bloop

2011-11-06T02:21:00.001+08:00

i am in a swimming fever right now and i really take swimming into an interesting sports. btw i have successfully learned breast stroke in one day! AWESOME RIGHT. it was because i wanted to be independent and really not lie on ppl for strength to do sports and be a self-motivator.

i talk like i am some adam khoo big ass person. lol no la its just lena who reminds me constantly that by relying on friends to join u just so u move ur ass to work out isnt really gonna help since friends and u have different schedules so just go do it urself you know.

and so i did. went to the swimming pool alone for the first time and did mini 30 laps. so 40mins i was done with it. and since i was in a calm mood i hate splattering water. -__- so i need the calm frog style movements and it so happens to be the one that burns fats the most, second of butterfly of course. SCREW BUTTERFLY. and i enjoyed it because its so quiet u see.

so since literally i dun think anyone really wants to teach me how to propel myself, since each man for his own you know.

i did my own googling and found out that you need to close ur feets faster, dun bobble ur head (excessive movements) . i didnt even know need to close feet lor wtf. since this is my 3rd time swimming i consider myself quite successful since i swam 25 competition laps. its fucking long PLEASE. i was sad tht ppl can propel themselves faster and i like move like a snail.

so ppl swim one lap finish i still half a lap. (no one taught me pls) my only lesson was when i was primary 3, 4 my father taught me twice. -_____-

OF COURSE MY MUSCLES ACHE LIKE WANNA DIE. NO JOKE. ask mom buy muscle cream she say: what is muscle cream i never see or heard of it before.

but she bought it before pls. fml.

irritated max. so anw, i shall swim and run . after swimming eat apple. BO BIAN. than drink one small cup of hot milo. FUCK MILO ALSO CANNOT DRINK WANT ME DIE IS IT.

so sad lor when i posted on fb and my friend immediately commented that because i drank one cup on milo all my efforts are wasted.

HE EVEN SAY women fat can say pregnant but man hard to decieve others.

i want to bitch slap him but i know he doesnt really mean it. STILL!!!

so gonna be nice and eat proper dinner sleep well exercise well .

oh swimming makes u gain muscles . 0.0 to burn fats la but.... AI YA IF i always exercise no need worry muscles turn to fats right.. see i always very positive .

JNZL

ya da ya da

2011-11-02T18:03:00.001+08:00

november is here. sch sem ends and by nov 8 , my new sem wld have started.
this time round the modules are getting harder, forseen headaches.

with november comes pressure. my dad has been yaking non stop .
ok next. i really wanna buy new specs lei. stop taking taxi start waking up early keep exercising. ppl say losing weight is addictive. ok wait till i get to tht stage then i will inform u.

i wanna buy pretty clothes for sch. =( i wanna buy new bag for sch =( i wanna buy new shoes for sch =( i wanna -__- fine shall start with new specs.
JNZL

Destiny's Child - Emotion

2011-10-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

words of a broken heart.

its just emotions taking me over.

caught up in sorrow, lost in a song.

nobody in this world.
JNZL

realize.

2011-10-28T07:17:00.001+08:00

exams soon to be over, sch would start a week after.
going to start accomplishing my list and i just realise i am always stuck in the same old position. ok maybe i moved forward a little but i am always wish deep deep deep REALLY DEEP down that some of my happy moments are linked to you.

heart quivers and because i am having large hormonal imbalance due to menses. even though i really ate lots of evening primrose oil capsules to prevent this. but it seems it doesnt work.

the unbelieveable thing is that because i started to hear the song "realize" and i just touched a raw nerve plus some other factors which leads to me just bursting out in true blue emotions. like as if really needed to hit on center towards my left side of the chest to have me breathing again.

Its not that i am stuck in the past, or just u know cling. YOU JUST dont understand this mashed up feeling. feels like this cruel destiny or fate of mine. something along that line.

its like why didnt i .... or i should have.... or i really didnt know.

now tht i know , i really pushed the limit so much so that its really a no brainer why it all went the way it went. this is the time when i really REALLY i dunno.. cant say its a regret since i didnt know better or i didnt mature yet.

why must happen the way it is? and why do i keep having malay guy friends surrounding me. IT PISSES ME OFF and I WANT TO POINT A MIDDLE FINGER ALRDY. like WHERE ARE THE CHINESE MALES. not racist just IRRITATED. MALAY PEOPLE, PLEASE DONT COME MAKE FRIENDS WITH ME ANYMORE. out of X only 1 made the mark.

its just in your blood to be "RELAC RELAC" (MALAY SLANG) irritates me too.
so u all can go DO THAT and i will really dont give a shit because... AI YA, whats wrong with liking hardworking ppl huh or even being one?

so many reasons ppl give me.
M just says he's like that, dont find a reason why he had to strive harder. * he is 30yrs old hor*
the other wld probably just say not everybody is the same. -__-
N would be because he tried but just don't like it, why must work so hard lei why cannot just chill la.

and many more ppl with the same reasons. which is dont find a need to. see. TOLD YOU ITS JUST THEM.

just like china people, MOST of them would be uncalled for, just saying.
JNZL

reaching limit

2011-10-23T19:50:00.002+08:00

haha funny times with my tutee who studied overnight with me!

tic toc tic toc tic and more tocs.

panic mode of me .

i always have this fucking bad habit. when i am too stressed out my body, or rather metally i would RESIST TO STUDY.

totally absurb right? i was sleeping sleeping and just doing things not related to study. a scenario wld be i canceled my tuition but still not studying, woke up at 9am but nv studied. its not procrastination. i was simply, rebeling. till the extent that i know i am asking for it.

oh exams really screw me up!

its 745pm now and i am going to shower and wash MY hair. YUCKS.

i am going to study alone but if luck is on my side, christabel may just join me for the long winding night at the airport at t1 starbucks. hoky cow its sunday! i hope those sch kiddos are not there anymore since tmr is a sch day!

=)))))))

i can do this .i got this shit so i must calm the freak down.

JNZL

Things after 31st October

2011-10-19T20:01:00.001+08:00

Things I will do :
1:sign up for muay Thai or the other course

2: buy more sports bra (oops explicit)

3: cut my fringe . (got the photos Liao)

4: keep running more

5: stock up on fruits

6: buy pumps or wedges ( omg money depleted alrdy)

7: but new hamsters and freak my mom out ;)

8: constantly put masks.

9: find new tuition assignments

10: save up money for my ray ban spectacles. :( dun think will hav money alrdy

twinkle twinkle trickle tears

2011-10-19T01:09:00.003+08:00

when i just felt all choked , i just cldnt stop the sobering and i had to do it silently.

just like those stars, twinkles twinkles.

this time i just had no one to share it with. i was like stuck with no options i guess. dont want to be insulted that i am weak currently and didnt think ppl know how it feels.

it was a stress reliver which is necessary unless i cld scream but silent screams are always the loudest .

envy not. make the most i have and preserve the ones i lost.

fate decides what i'll face, but i decide how it will go.

since i am struggling all my conflicts internally, i am just glad someone helped me along .

maybe he heard my silent tears when i was choked with them. when i cldn't produce any sound w/o sounding like i am havin an asthma attack. when all i cld say was just these few words, he understood well.

i always trust my intuition, its like gift to me. its always right, until i pause and analysis and make the decision then it will turn out wrong.

believe that all negative hurdles are there for me to overcome which i will anyway.

like as if i had a choice. because i would always remember the teachings.

"You will never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have"

JNZL

sincere abt losing weight

2011-10-02T02:13:00.000+08:00

i checked out this webbie.
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/following-a-cardio-plan-for-weight-loss.html

lol whatever , i know its dummies.com but, i got my info i needed. i am so not the person to go aerobic dance. -___- i dunno la but for me dance this kind of thing not my cup of tea.
so i went to see it says

Boxing

165

330

495

660

so technically 1 hr burn 660 kcal.
so why not, i got sign up for boxing classes.

ok fine i know i am already very super violent as of now. but, need to lose weight ma, i also cannot afford to go to swim cause i can't swim 35yards/min. pls, i 1 min have not even reach the opposite side. -__-

so not a good idea. cycle at 18mph for 1hr. u want me to die is it. later i cant walk to sch then how.
and i got no car so cant climb bukit timah hill very often. left with kayaking. -__- i got no cert because i bang the instructor. so screw tht too because i dun want to look like indian.

in-line skating. i tried my best. i cannot go fast enough w/o banging into ppl. basketball? lol u get my point la.

so i research on boxing for females and muay thai popped out. although it truly reminded me of tht particular someone but a wise man once said, leave the past behind and look forward.

so .. i saw this!
http://www.bxgfitness.com/contact.html

under courses got this lei.
Student For the younger generation
For those aged between 13-20 years of age who follow the same curriculum as the group programs above but at a time-slot specially dedicated to teenagers.
Fees: $200.00* | 10 sessions x 90 minutes

although i know I JUST REACHED 20 THIS YR ON DEC. but technically i am still 19 wad.
STRESS.

so i thought of signing up for it after my exams! since its only at paya lebar mrt, why not right.

$200 for ten sessions lei. 1 4 tuitions can settle alrdy.
so it is worthwhile la because i am committed to go ma right..

=) will get back to this topic again once my timetable for next sem comes out and once my next sem starts. =)

although its no contact la, but still can punch ma. =)
JNZL

When the going get tough, the tough gets going

2011-10-02T00:49:00.001+08:00

Today I ran 5.31km within an hr. I know it isn't anything to boast but it is a stepping stone for me. To be able to run tht distance just by myself and to run one hr. Tht is really my first. Well public Nike all those 5, 10km runs don't count cause got so many ppl running beside u, u will eventually run with them. Today I used mind over
Body power. I am so proud of myself and I deserve a pat on my back. I also filled up my water container and placed it in the fridge so that I cld drink it when I am thirsty. Michelle Phan said tht cold water can make u burn more fat because the body needs to use more energy to cool it down. But I also must drink in caution because my Asthma is currently back and cold drinks may trigger it.

I believe if i really work hard enough, i may really find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :)

Oh today I went to SMIGGLE at dobhy ghaut there and bought $70++ worth of items. Of course $35 worth of gifts to melaine Ronald as her bday present on 10oct. And to shan shan for children's day gift. Plus still must buy Berwin, Lena and dad gifts. Sian must quickly earn more $$$. But this exp shopping haul is due to me not shopping for 4mths or more.

Oh I am joining NIKE sg 10KM run on 09.10.11 another reason for me to run. Calvin, Azam , Joanna are going! I saw wei Jie frm my JC class there too! But he said he wasn't going. Haha! Saw his Gf? Too? Lol!

near impossible

2011-09-29T23:02:00.001+08:00

Find your passion in life. Find and enjoy the things you WANT to do that make the things you MUST do worth while.

Iwanttobeaweddingdressdesigner.ificanttheniwanttobepartoftheaction,buthowcaniaccomplishthisdream?

i wish for you to realise how i felt

2011-09-29T03:15:00.001+08:00

dearest intended person. i miss you so much! i don't know how to tell u this but i really do get jealous when u dun communicate with me often and me seeing u communicating with others so freely makes me jealous.

=( i am a jealous girl.
and ps: the person is not a male. -___- and i am not a lesbian.

JNZL

i really can't sleep

2011-09-27T04:57:00.001+08:00

i am in big trouble. i have insomnia. i swear i toss and turn and did exercise but i still cant freaking sleep.

i have been dreaming nightmares recently.

recently as in yest i dreamt tht i was some sort of zombie where u get infected and become a "zombie" but still act like a normal human being but u wld just want to infect others. sounds like a movie but i forgot the name.

so there is this tube coming out from my chest like some cancer patient. OMG. and my task is to kill my husband. so i had to throw yellow liquid in the injection tube and just like throwing darts. i dunno why. i have been dreaming of these kind of injections things lately.

must be the trauma of drawing blood and the stupid doc didnt console me.

screw him.

the last dream i had was i had to inject 4 blue liquid into my four fingers just because i made myself the test subject to test for medication. WTF IS THIS.

and there was a commando who commands me to run up century sq stairs. -__-

i am so afraid of sleeping nowadays tht i require ppl to comfort me tht i will have sweet dream.

how come there isn't any. and my hair / scalp smells weird when i scratch it. must be the sebum over produce due to stress.

i am under alot of unnecessary stress right now.

when ever i am on my bed i would always wish there wld be someone that wld sleep beside me. not just anyone of course but the ppl whom i wish to share my sleeping space with.

like it would help with my insomnia because i would feel "safe" and sleep peacefully.

nowadays i cant help but feel tht something feels wrong. i cant confirm it because i cannot interrogate my friends right. oh and i feel jealous too. BIG BIG BIG TIME.

i feel jealous because i felt left out. like how come tht person isn't communicating to me on her own? like i always have to try to initiate something. as u can see its not a guy problem. i felt like i am always the EXTRA. like i am not needed in her world anymore. i hate this feeling. really.

felt to me like D. how she went off just like tht.

don't leave me behind pls? =(((((

feeling really lousy now. like really lousy. this feeling have been going on since quite long alrdy. just thtat i didn't want to bring it up on my blog. but i felt tht this is also the reason of my insomnia.

and i really feel like i missed out on something. can't really confirm but i have this HUGE HUNCH tht tells me i am right. feels like the person is dodgy like cannot give me straight forward answers. i think maybe because the person got other friends to share so don't need me already.

JNZL

stress

2011-09-26T03:55:00.000+08:00

right now i am STRESS
When i am stress i simply either focus or die.

really. and its the same stress as i face when i am having a major exam like a lvl.
i am so stress because there is so many things i need to understand , digest and puke out in exams in 4 weeks time and there is of course project which consists of 20% and the grp members are not auto matic enough.

i am so stress. tmr i wish to complete 3 major things.
finish my slides. (which is alot because i have to read the whole dam chapter) the lect slides are fucking useless.

study for my fin international. which is mother fucking tough.

all the swaps and what not.

lastly, i have to do my tutorial for my managerial.

and for my ITB all those essays . omg i dunno where to start.
finishing finance international is actually a really really big thing. tutorials to understand and be done , lect to be understood and be done. gosh.
not to metion my fin analysis (excel) exam is on oct 11. WTF

i always want to say i can do it independently. i need help. i need support. i totally need encouragement. what not right. i am like this.

plus my appedtitde is fucking annoying me. i am a glutton ever since i became stress. and ITS GETTING FAR WORSE. i got to stock up on healthy things to bite. like FRUITS. i can only think of tht. -__-

snack bars yucks.
stock up on veg? but wtf i dont cook.
cut down on carbo. dam mother keep stuffing me rice. wa piang. i just love rice. u cannot put a mountain of rice and expect me not to finish it. even if i have to stuff it in i wld.

so i always had to scoop away rice before i start eating. really. like throw it in the rubbish bin so it becomes inedible.

my sly mom wld leave those rice behind and when i am hungry in the middle of the night, i wld eat on tht. wth. is she my step mom or what.
when i am stress i wld feel disorientated, feel out of place, feel fat, feel disgusted, no confidence.

i wld pluck my hair till it hurts, i wld scratch my head till it hurts, i wld sleep till my head hurts and i wld watch drama till i can't take it anymore.

fuck my life. fuck myself.
fuck this fuck that. i need to get hold of myself . i need to calm the fuck down.

JNZL

2011-09-23T01:48:00.000+08:00

the funny thing i just discovered thanks to me visiting R fb and saw some of his pic.
when i saw something identical to what i have, it made me recall the past.

after i took out my treasure box. ya. it is really the shape of a treasure box, constructed the crystal pieces during work time at CIMB.
it contains all of my C.R.

so i took it out and wore them one by one. of course i loved the last one.
the funny thing is that it is the only C.R. that has engravings.

all these yrs, i didnt want to have any engravings and just when i wanted to have an engraved item, we did it.

but vvvvv shortly later, i cldn't wear it anymore.
i was thinking, what was the person thinking when we bought it tgt. because the situation was suppressed till my examinations were over.

was it really intended to be my last gift when picking it? was it already over when we bought it? was there anything at all when we bought it? did the person really wanted to buy it? was it being forced?

somehow, the answer rang through my head. it is as though i already knew what went thru the person mind.

i felt cheated. is it just all false , just a show?
this sucks big time.

='(
JNZL

candle light

2011-09-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

like a candle light, it glows dimly and makes you warm.

gentle as it may seem, it burns things.

just as irony, if you were to quickly pinch or swipe ur finger across it, u will not get burnt.
as such, it depicts life too.

some people, as long as you get to know them a little, it doesn't burn you no matter what the future holds. however if you were to stick ard for long, then the actions of these ppl you chose to place them in your life would have an impact on you regardless how positive or negative it may be.

ppl always say choose your friends and partners carefully. but how careful you may be, you'll just never know when things might take a detour and in the end you wished you didn't know them at all.

so its actually fate that you may suffer these consequences. however the severity of these consequences would be entirely up to you.

just like the candle, if it hurts, pull back immediately and your wounds wld be minimal. continue to put ur finger there and ur finger will be burnt.

so its not whether you should choose wisely or not. but rather you should react wisely.
however again, humans are the irony of life. even if it hurts they wld rather stay that way. so who is it to say who is more foolish?

because fools are intelligent people who minds heart over mind.
so are they fools? are you a fool?
JNZL

nice meeting you.

2011-09-13T20:11:00.000+08:00

sometimes, when u are unsure about urself, heaven sends someone to cheer you up and make you feel beautiful all over again.

because there are a category of people who are just pure minded and they are honest.
so while waiting for the train heading to east line at paya lebar, this person walked up to me and although he did startled me a little. i thought he was crazy or pervert.

but soon i realise he was under this category of ppl. and i took out my beats and heard what he had to say.
he was telling my dress was pretty and i am pretty and beautiful. i felt weird so i politely mouthed the words thank you with no sound at all . so after a while later when i finally registered what the heck just happened, i felt well, sort of happy?

i am beautiful yay. =)

JNZL

weird things happen

2011-09-11T06:33:00.004+08:00

my face was totally si bei like this when i saw some things off the internet. ok to put it simply, i used facebook for its sole purpose. STALKING.

lol funny tht i stalk? nah, its common just tht ppl dont tell you only.
so i stalked my nemesis sis which i came across as SHOCKING. haha! who ever knew tht such things cld happen?

it makes me realise deeper when i continue to stalk more ppl .
many things really ACTUALLY HAPPEN. and people ard them will be like omg how come he/she so dam lucky. DID HE/SHE SAVE A NATION IN HER PREV LIFE?

lol but i am sure there are not many nations which can be continuously saved and i dont think nations are always in deep shit. like from my childhood right i only know hua mu lan and those high and mighty warriors and kings tht save nations.

so it all boils down to luck? and its just a sign the world is trying so hard to tell us, these are not miracles but in fact unbelievable things which are in your favour can happen to you too.
like maybe i wld think that i can nv ever find a guy to my liking which likes me back (mostimpt lol) may actually happen.

but u nv know what may happen in your future. so work hard now and just let life screw u up or bring you to the highest cloud. well of course many dont wish for screw ups but sometimes screw ups in life made you a better person.

well of course it only happens if u allow tht lesson/ experience to enrich urself and not wallow in it .
like i came to understand more about ............myself, like more about how ppl work.
sort of things.

BUT OF COURSE I WOULD PREFER IF I CAN ALWAYS CONTACT THE PERSON , U KNOW.

like i know i can survive. PLEASE LA WHO CANNOT. BUT.
i would be in a much much more comfortable position and be at ease when i can contact the person freq or as and when i want to contact la . AND OF COURSE IT WLD BE BEST IF THE PERSON REPLIES.

duh.. i wld look like some idiot who keeps spamming bo liao msgs and no one reply me right. like some pathetic shit like tht. been feeling this way for 2 days in a row now. =(

i am a human, i need companionship ma. so even if its a short reply i also happy wad. not as if i intend to have a long convo like tht.

SO ANYWHORE, i am feeling quite out of the norm for 2 days and i skipped sch. YES I DID IT. tsk. i am trying to control myself to be consistent. btw this is my 1st time hor.

i realised it was because i lack communication and when i msg , i got no reply. tutees dont count pls. parents of tutee of course dont count. tweets dont count too. i call also nv get to have a nice chat.

SEE I LIKE SOME CMI PATHETIC SHIT RIGHT. knn. like beggar sia.
tsk. i feel horrible abt myself too but i am only human and this is my flaw. i need to be reassured every time that you will always be there for me when u can ma. i just feels like being abandoned. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND LOR.

so i am so down tht i decided to skip sch and regretted it 2 hrs later because i am a changed person ok. I KAN CHIONG CAUSE I NV ATTEND LECTURE. i wished i cld teleport to sch straight away.

BUT AS I SAID I WAS FEELING OUT OF THE NORM.

so i really really hope ppl ard me can msg me more so tht i feel loved and like ppl are actually concerned abt me.

TSK CANT BELIEVE MY BODY AND BRAIN WAS SO BLOODY UNIFIED to really not study all the way. i think i am a person of extremes. but as i said. I WAS FEELING OUT OF THE NORM. wa piang i think i said this like 8 times? ai ya wadever u get the point.

so i was also feeling awkward. OH BTW I KNOW HOW TO SPELL AWKWARD ALRDY yay. i always had trouble typing it and instead i just replaced it with weird instead , because iphone also cannot help me correct it. embarrassed i also learning to remember how to spell it.lol kns the iphone always auto correct it to embraced. -__-ll
because i suddenly changed myself to be a super efficient person i felt really awkward when ppl promise me to do things and in the end nv do it at the deadline they promised and i had to make up false situation so as to look normal, to get things done.

LIKE I CANNOT TELL HER THAT ITS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO IT AT BLABLABLA TIME AND THEN YOU NEVER DO IT. AND WHY CANT U DO IT SINCE U ARE ALRDY AT YOUR COMPUTER AND I REALLY WANT TO GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH. AND IF YOU CANNOT DO IT BY THEN , YOU SHLD NOT HAVE SAID U CLD WHAT.

so this is what i wanted to say, but of course ,because i am an adult i had to say things like
: oh its not because i want it urgently but because xxx is chasing me so therefore i hope you wld do it quickly preferably by tonight. and when the person still fails to comply

i said: oh its been 2 days alrdy, xxx is chasing me again and its quite bad , get it done by tonight kay.
and I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY THAT ITS NOT I KAN CHIONG BUT THERE ARE REASONS FOR ME TO WANT IT URGENTLY.

AND WHAT'S WITH THE ATTITUDE THT U ARE GIVING ME WHEN U ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY SORRY.

so yar. other things too like i would WANT TO NORMALLY SAY: I KNOW RIGHT, HAHAHA I KNOW WHY U ALSO WANT TO DO THIS. JUST NOW U SAY U DONT WANT THEN WHEN I WENT AHEAD WITH THE PLAN U THINK U MIGHT BE LEFT BEHIND RIGHT. ai ya dont shy la! just admit! hahaha

BUT. i cannot say it out because its too blunt. (see i learn) even though, to me its just honesty and totally not insulting you if you wanna copy me .
LIKE ITS NOT A SIN TO COPY THE RIGHT THINGS WAD.

but ppl wld think otherwise and think i am arrogant and BHB and will be like : who do u think you are.

ai ya some ppl pride themselves too high ma. SO even close friends also cannot do it.

ONLY ONE PERSON which i have no restrain because i know that he knows that i totally mean no harm. like it is just a joke. tht wld be sufian lor.

either that it would be i really DONT GIVE A SHIT ABT YOU.

seriously but prob i will stop the religion / race jokes because seems like he cant take tht.

BUT, for others , i dont think they are able to realise that i have no bad intention for friends and i NEVER EVER WANT TO COMPARE MYSELF WITH THEM. please hor , friends dont compare each other, dun want to outdo each other dont want to compete with each other.

LIKE , does it really matter? friends shld be happy for each other when one gets the better. u get what i mean. maybe its only me that thinks this way. tsk tsk my friends and close friends are also quite complex. so i dont think they are able to accept my straightforwardness.well, tht ends my long ranting.

lol can u believe it, i type until my right hand numb.
so i need more msg and care and concern! =(

for a laughing picture , i came across it when i was searching for "surprised' pics.

and i found this. A BLOW UP DOLL . lol i think its funny.

LIKE WHUT?! IT LOOKS SO SCARY! HOW THE HELL ARE U GOING TO PUT UR **** in it?
i wld be scared and get nightmares pls. as in JUST LOOK AT IT. does it even look right. =___=
JNZL

change

2011-09-02T01:24:00.000+08:00

i always think, wouldn't it be awesome when one day, with your back turned your familiar friends who never saw u for a long time mistaken you for someone else because you changed for better so much tht they are in awe?

someday i will be as beautiful as those i inspire to be.
because i have a good ground to start with! i have a good and forgiving heart. i know that for a fact because my friends told me so! and my actions made me realise tht i am different.

because i did things ppl thought was impossible.
i was indifferent when everyone told me tht i shld refrain myself.
well i did it. i am proud of it. because right now i am able to face the person with a calm heart.

i m sorry to X & M. the timing is wrong. thank you for looking at the good sides of me, and loving me for who i am. but , i can't accept hearts right now because it doesnt feel right. but i believe someday hopefully not too far away, i will find mine and u will find urs.

because someone said that the rate tht i am changing for the better is very steep! i have done well. =)
=D

JNZL

happy little things in life.

2011-08-30T01:38:00.000+08:00

today i was actually really glad about my decision to attend the bowler's meeting and feeling so happy to be close friends with alvin. glad he came even if it was just to see SJ lol.

today meeting made me feel tht ppl actually still remains the same and laughter really brightens everyone's mood. particularly i got to see my fav captain and mjc bowlers. LOL and all the secrets we shared.
WHO EVER KNEW!

and seriously ali guessed abt cal was so .. er... i dunno luh. but when i heard she got attached, i was really happy for her. beauty is really in the eye's of the beholders.

so fast forward to the moment when vin asked if i wanted to chill out. i felt like it and his car was shiok, so i gladly say yes since he wld send me hm no matter how late we chatted. the best part. WE CAN CLICK.

like totally. its so shiok to be able to talk to a guy w/o restraints because u simply have no other motives. which was said by vin. so we were lamenting on the fact tht we are now and STILL SINGLE. well, i am single just tht i broke up. but doesn't matter .

so we were deciding how are we able to attract the opposite sex. and i found out tht since we were both having the same wavelength , i told him tht what we look for in partners are definitely the same. it is we want them to be wise. wise is actually very board base. like for him he doesn't like bimbos and i cant believe if i can ever hook up with a non mature guy who doesn't think abt their futures.

so we both agreed tht we look for partners to complement each other. like i wouldn't like a bubbly guy and wld totally prefer a cool and quiet guy. so we were saying. if we try so hard to attract others, like being totally not ourselves. like me not being vocal. -_-

oh btw i have decided tht from this very moment onwards, i will not say vulgarities thanks to the guy who said it so oud it sounds uncalled for and immature and makes him look bad.
i am serious. i will always have tht image in my mid if i were to spew out vulgarities.

so vin was saying why not be ourselves and take it as though we had no motive at all. cause me and him get tongue tied, or start blabbering nonsense. but then again, what if they liked us and they think we don't like them and give up! espically girls who wants the guys to make the first move.

DIE~~
FOREVER SINGLE LOR.
like what vin said. lol.
he dam funny he was like how come girls dont give him a chance?
MUAHHAHA

oh and vin logic was since all humans are wired up the same way, we are able to love each other . ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. so it IS POSSIBLE. haha.

so i was asking him. wld he find it weird if he wld to suddenly like a super neutral friend. i find it weird. like , how can u SUDDENLY LIKE THIS PERSON. oh and i said he like guy accidentally and we broke into laughters once again since he said he now need to be gay cause no girls like him. LOL. anyway, we just keep laughing.

so i concluded, i dont really need to feel uncomfortable with the guys i like, just be normal, no motive. life wld be easier . and dont relationships hold me back? maybe me and vin are fated to be singles forever. LOL. then we each die tgt ah. so ke lian.

anyway if u all think vin is ugly and dumb. he is actually quite handsome and he is super smart! straight As for a lvl pls, and is going to become a doctor in 5 yrs. LOL. i know right. why the hell isnt he attached? only heaven knows.

and this is when he looks dam cui. =X

and this song is dedicated to alvin teo because this is his fav emo song. lol . i feel for u because i am with u.

-bad things happen for a reason.
JNZL

get it right

2011-08-18T04:50:00.000+08:00

this song is dedicated to me.

to remind me that no matter how many times i may try and fail, do know that the only time you are a failure when u stop trying.

so on every opportunity i got, i always wish for me to be wiser and to be a stronger woman than i was. it kinda came true and u know what all ppl say abt wisdom right?

you can't get enough. =p

JNZL

wondering

2011-08-04T20:59:00.000+08:00

when i saw his inbox, lol in class when we all peaked . one of my class mates was like woah he is applying for DBS careers. blah blah. seriously this kind of fucked up guy with fucked up attitude who only knows how to fucking leech from me and others deserve to be working just a clerk. tsk. so disturbed. as in DBS, hello obviously they are not going to take u in DUMB! like seriously, unless ur relative is some big ass there then maybe. because ppl in NUS , NTU are clever than u by x12208394 and they are so many people there. and what ?! u are not even completing ur degree yet. i cant even stand your voice when u voice out your worthless opinion in class its just irritating. i rather hear the dino sneeze than u talking. even academic outside, u are so hopeless. yucks. WHEN I SAID NO, STOP acting like you are so desperate. just get other girls kay, cause i am not ur type. tsk.
oh well.
JNZL

love the way

2011-07-31T05:01:00.002+08:00

i love the way you know my passwords and all. like i have nth to hide.
i love the way of thinking to give u a call while my water for my maggi mee boils.

love the way you wld think of me.
but i hate the way we are apart. =/
JNZL

status quo

2011-07-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

STATUS QUO

whoever invented this is simply awesome.
i like my life as it is right now. having people who cares about me, although i still think lee ming en is out of my reach right now because i am too busy with my work.

heard from my friend tht he was from SIM and he got out of it and went to my uni because he finds it hard to study there because he said there is like a fashion show and its all about clubbing every other day and it was TOO HAPPENING. well, i hope ming en would be able to cope well there. =?

but anyways when she enters SIM maybe we cld have an opportunity to study tgt. YAY
so lets remain status quo for now. i like how it feels to be a super best friend. ;)

busy busy busy. =/ oh well whats new right.
JNZL

diet

2011-07-09T03:09:00.000+08:00

enough with all the emotions bs.

now i am thinking about slimming down. yes yes i know i have been saying since eons ago.
but hey! i HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN PUTTING IN EFFORT.

except for fri night which i had 3 boxes of durians. fine i know i have very little self control. if i crave for smthing . tht bloody food item will be stuck in my head and i cant sleep well.

i swear.
so my durian craze is over since i had an overdose. and YA i know it is filled with .. fine wait i go find. since i ate 3 bloody boxes. I SAFELY ASSUME THAT I PRACTICALLY ATE A WHOLE DURIAN.

according to this website
http://caloriecount.about.com/calories-durian-i9422?size_grams=602.0
885 CALORIES. sula habase.wadever
fat is ard 35.1g and 161 calories?
OMGE..
but pls. got see the nutrition grade. ITS grade A. means the best nutrition . good for body.

anyway, from tomorrow onwards i am going to cook baby carrots EVERY SINGLE DAY. because i love them to the max. but i need mushroom sauce too lei. later i go google .
machiam cannot everyday eat maggie mee right.

although its yummy to me, its bad food.
so i am gonna eat chicken breast meat too. eh wait. tht means i can eat KFC?
-.-

ya thts abt it for my diet. i cant drink food replacement luh. it dehydrates me so much my skin on my face started peeling horribly. when i stop it goes away. =(

cant go the easy way. anyway, eating healthy is the CORRECT WAY WHAT. its like i am changing my lifestyle permanently but slowly. of course i am gonna eat my fav fruits luh plus my daily dose of yummy berri lite yogurt not so convenient as it is located at simei but ai ya. not tht far also.

plus i am gonna exercise one hr everyday. drink water loads( which i have alrdy been doing)
no more gong cha.

NOOOO~!!!!~!@
TSK. i am very sad. maybe i can satisfy it with yogurt or sushi.

i am still in LOVE WITH RAMEN at ion orchard. and i am still loving sushi.hmmm i need to think out of a way to implement these awesome food into my diet plan.

and i am going to religiously apply cream to my legs and arms because i cannot afford ugly scars and i will stop scratching and i will treat my face better.
means go for mthly facials luh.

actually why i do all these right is actually a sort of requirement.
working towards tht dream job of mine. before starting my bank job of course.
but after i did my research . kinda sad. because they are so stringent about their skin test! wa piang. if this cant work then i got to buy the dermablend concealer or covermakeup whatever it is to cover my scars before going to interview. =(

my chicken pok marks on my face how. not tht bad what. its cute ok. -.-
it defines me.LOL.

k la, talk so much tmr i still got to work. shall count my calories now.
and btw i am effing hungry now. the urge to eat maggiee mee is soo there but i cant. =(

JNZL

secret

2011-07-07T16:52:00.001+08:00

everyone has a secret /s that they really do not wish anyone that matter know. but the thing is when someone matters to you, you would tend to want to know everything about that person. be it good or bad or shocking.

now the thing is you know you shld just love the person for who he or she is right now because they are no longer what they were in the past. thats why ppl call it the past. they change . so why must one find out everything.

let's see. maybe ppl do it because they feel safer ? no really. if you know everything about that person, like everything darn thing, you wouldnt fear ppl suddenly coming up to you saying" eh you know xxx is ...." and also you eliminate the horrible feeling of ambiguity . the unknown is so scary because you dont know what lies ahead.

but never have people who wanted the whole truth thought of the person's feelings when digging out their skeletons.

and when it is their turn, they freak out too.

so hell to those who keep saying that we shld move on and forget our past when you have alrdy known their god dam past. -___-

i too have secrets which i hope no one that matters know.
well, then ppl also have another saying of there is no eternal secret in this world.

ppl keep secrets to protect themselves as well as others who matters. think about it. if it doesnt hurt anyone that really matters, you really think they wouldn't want to tell you if u ever asked?

dont be stupid.
then again what happens when you need to know the whole truth to embrace the person's flaws and all. see, its full of irony.

JNZL

lighter

2011-06-26T01:31:00.000+08:00

since young i always find men who wear expensive tailored suits looks so AMAZINGLY STUNNINGLY HANDSOME.

especially suits this kind which i love so much! v SHAPE outer coat. black/white.

and frm young i always believe an expensive formal evening gown which is meant to suit the person, or tailor made makes woman look EXTRA PRETTY.

like stunning.
I ALSO WANT TO OWN , TO HAVE SUCH LUXURIOUS EVENING GOWN.

its so handsome for the guy to just buy the gown he thinks looks best on his woman and when she wears it out for him she is like a shinning bright star.

ialsowishtohavesuchamagicalmoment.

oh well =/

JNZL

LEAVE ME NOW

2011-06-26T00:51:00.000+08:00

dear god.
please help me .

when playing with something so precious to humans and realising how horrible you actually are when all tht party wants is for you to be happy. when all that party really went all out just for you when that party is just an innocent human being manipulated by your greeds.

guilt will pour in.
so is it worth it just to fill that void? is it fair? but dad told me nth is fair.

when tht party cares you whole-heartedly, and you just step on it or take advantage of it?

so does being a manipulator makes u happy now? do u feel powerful when u are able to control one's emotions and manipulate it because its fun and dont give a dam about what hurt it might cause the other party?

are u still the same person as you are a few months ago?
when u look into the mirror, dont you feel disgraceful?

help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help.
HELP!!!!

JNZL

dear dear

2011-06-21T14:51:00.000+08:00

in this beautiful world there always lives a devil in everyone's heart fighting with the angel.
humans are weak due to their humanity. but i am no longer weak. if there is a will there is a way.

but read this post knowing that because i am only human that's why i have my unspoken flaws.i was weak.

i am sorry the devil took over me for these periods of time where there was just no one for me to ask help from.

but i am different now. i think i grew up after all the experiences.
i think i became a better person now. i shall tie all lose ends in my life and live life in a respectable manner.
no more partying for me.

no more flings. no more etc etc etc etc.
i dun deserve to live life like this.

i shall imagine this friend of mine to be always there for me.
not asking things , listen to my difficulties
always standing by my side no matter what. believing in me always because deep down you know i am still growing to be a better person. still growing up to be adult.
and deep down u wld know that i am still can be a good girl and make u proud of me.

its only been 2 mths.
ppl take yrs to get over it.
cut me some slack? embrace me and telling me :" its ok, because no matter what you did, no matter how messed up u are, i am always here for you, for u to lean on when u can no longer stand on your both feets. when u need support and when u feel helpless. "

i am so sorry if i disappoint you.
i am only human.

i am not ready to face you when i am in this state. i am not ready to react to ur response. i am not ready.
when the day comes i will tell u everything.

but till then just keep beliveing in me wont you.
JNZL

to u.

2011-06-21T01:46:00.001+08:00

You never taught me how to get over you.
I'm trying to figure out how, but it isn't easy.
I try to fool myself into believing that I'm in love with someone new.
I know it's a lie, but it's the only way to get you out of my mind.

I know I should let you go, but my heart still longs for you.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about you,
But I keep hoping that maybe you'll come back to me,
That maybe you'll hold me in your arms again.
Please forgive me. This is who I am.

I fool myself into believing that I'm happy.
I try hard to wipe the sadness out of my face.

I've tried to forget you, I've tried to hate you, but I'm just not good at it.
No matter how much I cry, I still miss you.
I just can't seem to forget you. I even hold on to you in my dreams.

I'm so sorry.

JNZL

i am sorry

2011-06-21T01:22:00.001+08:00

i will stop.
i will stop being crazy.

do u know why have i been so crazy till today? how do i tell u?
i cant.

i have been thinking. so am i this easy, this promiscuous behavior in my blood?

no. really the answer is no.
am i seeking trouble on purpose. well maybe yes.
i cant get the ppl i want to get. so i have been crazy.

i feel so tired of crying, chasing after ppl who are finally wont be mine. do u know how horrible it feels?

but then suddenly seeing ppl doing the same to me?
i was amused. like seriously?
but none i fancy.

so i tried to be friendly to them.what the hell was i thinking.
yest was really a big wake up call. telling me i shldnt live life like this anymore.
i shldnt use u as an excuse to be like this.

i shldnt use u as a reason...
can u believe tht when all of these nonsense happened , i was thinking of u the whole time.
i was like thinking and grinning?

i was like : xxx can u see whats happening to me now. can u please save me now? can u please tell me that i shld stop ? can u come hold on to me ?

can u hold onto me right now. can u hug me tight right now. can u hug me tight right now and cry to me that i shldnt be abusing myself like that. i am sorry i cant find the heart to tell u the whole details. i just cant so thts why i am crying inside now. all i want is for u to hold me back. its not tht hard.

I am meeting new male ppl for the sake of u and one other.
always telling me to move on. blablablablablablabalbala

FINE I AM TRYING TO KNOW NEW PPL. but what to do i am always meeting these ppl?

u know what?
i dunno if u would love me /like me the way u do now if the whole raw truth came out.
probably wont.

i am very screwed and messed up right now. help me.

JNZL

Weakest when in pain

2011-06-12T02:54:00.000+08:00

Whenever I'm in physical pain and am the weakest and will tend to think of u.

I want to hug u. Maybe u cld put yu Yee oil on my tummy to make me feel better all over again. Why are u overseas!

I can't even SMS u tht I got stomach ache. :(
Can my wish be tht when I am in pain u wld be beside me and I wld be better.
It just sucks.

Tsk and I need to study now without hearing ur voice to comfort me.
I feel so weak now pls.
JNZL

good nights

2011-06-09T01:29:00.001+08:00

BOO! i was about to post a sad goodnight post.

BUT u made it right again and i am smiling back to sleep.

like a fool right. i know... but what to do..

thanks for making me feel alright once again.
the magic works when the right words are spoken at the right time.

its been ages since there is a pic of me.
=___= and why is it that i post a pic with no makeup -.-

anyway too happy to care. =p
JNZL

complain???

2011-06-09T00:44:00.000+08:00

SCREW the pic.
what?
what the heck was i thinking telling you my thoughts and getting a backlash. tsk!*breathes out hard on nostrils and mouth*

sure sure.. JUST KEEP SAYING ME K.
tsk. complaining.

i was just trying to speak whatever i was feeling. thts all. and it came out wrong maybe?
complaining. tsk. what the heck was i thinking.

yeah yeah. sure thing. sure sure, i waited on my own accord. sure thing, why the heck shld i do tht? cause i'm stupid k, i am just dumb, just wanted to talk so thts why i didnt want to miss ur call.

sure .... shld have totally slept at 840pm. JOEY NG ZI LIN. U DESERVE TO BE SCOLDED U IDIOT.
see now ppl ask u to dun complain if u want to suffer . ORH BI GOOD. kiss my ass. oh wait i cant. i am not flexi enough.

sure man joey. sure sure. why find trouble right. all your fault of getting ur hopes up. U ZI ZHAO PLEASE.

so please stop acting so weak u moron stupid dumb blonde loser piece of shit full of shit full of nonsense and yeah u are pathetic joey, why ? because u came to blog it out u dumb shit.

u are not even capable of letting it go right.
now now dun even dare to cry. if u do. OOPS just drop a tear. blah blah blah.

STOP BEING WEAK STOP BEING NEEDY .
BE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN U bitch.afterall, u came into this world alone.

WHY THE heck am i making a big fuss over something so small .
geez. i really can't take hurtful comments. LOSER.

ur dad say u , doubt u and blabla then u run to toilet to cry. freaking weakling.
well at least i tried to hide it.
now some person say u a bit nia then u like tht . HO SEI LA.
wake up ur idea.

iwasjustbeingmeiguess.iamsorryificomplainedorsoundlikecomplaining.promisethatiwontpester?you.ican'tapologiseformyweakness.ican'tapologiseforbeingme.atleastinevermadeitworseright?

i am only human you know.
sorry for being human? does that makes sense?

JNZL

let u go? not now. not ever

2011-06-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

its not time for me to let u go. so please dont push me away just yet.
JNZL

sometimes it last sometimes it hurts

2011-06-08T22:16:00.000+08:00

when i heard the song, i heart quiver.
sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

this song is dedicated to you.
this song is so sad, i get sweaty palms.

so even though i am uninvited, cld ur heart save some space for me?hmm?
because even antiques which was once abandoned cld be treasured for so much. what about me.

JNZL

tht s all i thought of

2011-06-03T04:52:00.000+08:00

everything i thought abt till 445am is all in this song i guess.
i realise, loving someone isnt all about keeping that person by my side.

as long as you are happy, as long as you are in love , as long as you continue living, as long as youuuuu, as long as u continue living happily.

i will always always always i promise be by your side to make you laugh, to make u smile.
to be selfless is also part of me.

*rubs away my dripping tears*
i wish i cld claw myself.

because its okay mac, i am gonna be okay.
dun need to decide so hard now, its always a 2 way street not a 3-way street.
but why the fuck am i crying so hard.

JNZL

it ended the wrong way

2011-06-03T00:18:00.005+08:00

why did i ever let my emotions get the better of it.

i was so happy when i heard the song, but it was always with a bitter end.
it was nv in my intention to hurt u or to say anything wrong.

i am so sorry this phone call had to end on such a horrible note. i am so sorry that i have to tell you how i always felt. i know this isnt what you want to hear from me. i know all u want to hear is just me saying that i am alright, i am happy, i will be alright , i will be fine that i am perfectly fine without you.

maybe you could teach me, how to lie to oneself how to deceive oneself.
for all i know you may even not want to talk to me ever again, you may not even bother to text me anymore. just like the rest. the thing is i really don't know.

i don't know i don't know .
no matter how i look at this situation i really think i screwed it up.

i know its silly. but i think i am in love with the person over the phone. and i am not sorry because how could i be sorry when these are my true feelings.

i really hope that my one mistake will not end whatever we had. because if you really leave me because of that, then maybe u are just like the rest after all. i still stand my stand that you really are different from all the others.
JNZL

no sharing pls.

2011-06-02T04:13:00.001+08:00

i just want to be your little girl holding on to ur fingers and crying out for u to embrace me . so tht i know i am safe.

i just want you to be mine forever. no sharing allowed.

tht lingering thought tht i must share you just makes me jumpy all over.

i know i am selfish. but wld u want to share me too?

maybe thts why the little girl is pointing her middle finger. to warn ppl .lol

in any case, let this puzzle be the answer .

how could this heart of mine not break when we are almost what i have always wanted. every reminder of such makes me weak because it is just like treated like an option an alt. how is it tht i cld give u my all yet all i got was a quarter. every reminder in every conversation rings in my head. its like reminding me tht i shldnt even be there. but yet how is it tht my heart disagree so much. picture this. you are ready to take on a girl other than me , so what does tht makes me? ikr , a fool. i opened up myself to all these so is reality going to laugh at me and say" oh look at her. there she goes again"

then i look at myself " yup. just let me jump , because i believe tht u are different, even if in the near future, u may prove to me u are the same as the rest, but at least now to me, u are different"

lastly, just be my murder, just take away my heart and dun ever return it because after you, i will love no more.

JNZL

u cant see my heart beatin

2011-06-01T02:29:00.000+08:00

if u play, u play for kill, take the gun and count to 3.
i am sweating now, moving slow no time to think my turn to go.
and u cant see my heart beating you cant see it thru my chest
said i m terrified but i am not leaving.
so i must pass this test, so just pull the trigger.

dear upper being,
are u playing this game with me?

JNZL

jumble jumble

2011-06-01T02:03:00.001+08:00

my feelings and thoughts are just a mess of jumble.

i have been wondering, why u cld move on so fast, it felt like one moment u are with me next we separate and next u r telling me abt ur findings of girls.

u are so hardworking. its good.

i am also trying to find my own happiness.

so far its failing, firstly it was rejection, then next was acceptance but it was wrong , following was a jerk just like ur c.c. and finally i found someone who cld make me laugh till my cheek cramp and stomach ache and make me smile when i txt.

but u know what, i know he isnt mine to keep. not tht i can help it of course.

i am (as usual) the person with no power to decide any thing.

strange as it seems, we are moving so fast. i have nv seen a couple moving on so god dam fast.

so much so i was thinking, are they all ur shadows?

when i was clubbing, whatever he did to me, my mind was flooded with flashbacks of u. my friend said i was fail.

but worry not k, i will move on super soon. i just need more help than u did. i finally found my help line but oh man, he seems super tied down after 9 more days.

ok fine the starting was wrong, but it doesnt matter right since my brain and heart tells me so. i nv felt so clicked before.so therefore i am scared.actually i am super scared.

CAN SOMEONE JUST HUG ME AND LET ME CRY AND WHISPER TO ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. tht everything will work out just fine. that i could write my name all over what i mentally think its mine. that no one will take my happiness away.that my heart can stop hurting and start to feel loved.

actually, i am just a small girl with super complex thoughts and feelings and all i want for now is u. but i know all u can give me for now is everything but u.

because i have been california wishing for your heart to be on me, my california king.

this holiday, cld anyone take a walk with me to rock 19? maybe do some reflecting? could anyone take me on a date?could god make me stronger if my path of life is so tough.

this post is so complex and jumble wobble plopply plap.=/

JNZL

its feels like everything is back

2011-05-30T01:59:00.000+08:00

i love the last kiss so much that i am listening to it on repeat.

all that i know is i dont know how to be something u miss.
u called and told me all abt those girls u met.

i get it k.
=/

but then again, i have a humming bird heartbeat right now.
cause some call it science, but we call it chemistry.

irony world i live in
JNZL

lala land not real?

2011-05-30T01:24:00.002+08:00

As i look at it, i feel like everything is fiction.

i dunno if its real.
it does feel too good to be true.

so u want to destroy my lala land, because maybe u thought reality wld be better.
but cant u just make my lala land real?

is it just my fiction or everything is fiction?

JNZL

can u feel my heartbeat

2011-05-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

my heart is always so defenceless, yet i seek the mutated angel.
when ever ppl form hearts with their hands, i will imagine your hand forming next to mine and it hurts.

now, suddenly my heart started to beat again.
and i understand, i am in no position to say anything.
i am in no position to demand everything. sometimes i even feel like i am a dog tht is always waiting for the owner to throw it some treats or play with it so tht i would be happy.

how could i be so happy yet so afraid at the same time.
every other words tht i didnt want to hear, it came out.

why cant u tell me what i want to hear. why is reality so god dam cruel. why am i always the losing end.
is it because i am always like on the frontline. so front ppl die first right?

is tht why i am so bruised? i am always feeling tht my heart is feeling so stuffed up.
like i am in a stuffy room and cant wait to run out and breathe in fresh air.
the thing is i cant open the door ,because i know once i run and leave the room, i wld be nth more than just going insane once more.

u know, all i want is to feel protected. right now of course i feel none.
because they cant give it to me. because hearts are not mine to keep . nv did.

i have this weed inside me tht keeps growing to a sapling tht spews out thoughts.
unforgivable thoughts.

i feel like losing it.
just once and for all. i still insist. whats the effing point.
do u know how much it hurts to be the one being pushed away?

yes , u are pushing me away. i just know it. i feel so stupid. all those talks tht u want to intro guys to me?! u know how my heart bleeds as you say it and i could only laugh it off or pretend to be angry.

because i am not angry, i am feeling so hurt. its just like telling a guy tht i am not suitable but i cld intro u to other girls. LIKE. DONT U GET IT BONE HEAD?!

if i cld cry everytime i felt my heart was torn a little, singapore would flood.
its tht feeling in my heart where i want to say things but i cant.

i really want to shout it out loud to u so tht u cld understand me a little better but no i cant do tht.
its so suffocating i got to slap my chest a little , least i get cardiac arrest.

JNZL

hua pi

2011-05-22T20:41:00.000+08:00

i Always wanted a mask from venetian city.
i want a full face mask.

it looks so real right. i always wanted a mask to hide myself when i am wandering in clouds of thoughts, when i am always asking myself qn.

i dunno it seems very therapeutic to me.
dont u think so? like for once we can be of equal ground with ppl.

so here comes the true topic.
为什么人往往觉得自己已经彻底认识一个人但却在最后一刻才发现，原来他是错的。
因为人心难侧。

所以我们这辈子都在猜。
即使有了答案，但却不肯定，因为答案可以随时改变。
这世上承诺是种谎言人人都爱相信。
因为只有这样，人才能对人类有信心。

如果把承诺换另一个角度来看也不过是人编造给自己一种安全感。

爱，可以让自己失去理智但也可以让自己开心。
人类真悲哀。不知到这是地狱还是莫不清的天堂。

人生本来就是自现矛盾，真是的。

JNZL

i will stand by this principle .

2011-05-20T03:17:00.000+08:00

Yes it is hope.
all these while i felt my happiness was just like helium balloons that u gave me, prepared to fly away as soon as i let go the strings entangled tightly ard my fingers.

its so sickening to have hope and my happiness to depend on someone.
its like my mood will depend on u.

if u treat me nice, i fly up up and away.
if u treat me coldy, i would be filled with negatives.

no more . so therefore maybe good karma came back to me to enlighten me.
girls girls girls.

dont we all exp those dashed hope and heartbreak moments when we are trying to figure a guy out?
of course dont get me wrong, we girls HATE AND DETEST mind games. it tiring to the heart and soul and brain.

and of course all would be well if everything turn out fine. but what if everything u strive so hard for like think a gazillion times and check the msg twice to see if the msg was appropriate.

times when you dont know what to send to salvage things?
times when he doesnt reply you and u ponder hard and long if u shld sms him first?

we girls are thinkers. we think! we think if we were looking despo, we think if we were giving you the wrong impression, we think so hard of things to say to make u happy , smile or just to enjoy a simple conversation with us.

but u guys had to ruin it by playing games or sudden ignorance of our presence. what the heck. WE DESERVE BETTER. have u ever wondered what mind and nerve racking process the girl is thinking when we wait for ur sms. LIKE FOREVER.

URGH.
so this is the deal.
next time when anyone ask if i know xxx guy likes me, i would say it w/o blinking that if that xxx guy likes me HE SHOULD MAN UP and tell me straight.

and what if he doesnt? WELL GIRLS, just take it as though he is not into you.
the truth. no matter how shy a guy can get.

if he really likes u and wants to FURTHER(this is the point) the relationship with u to being more than just friends, he would make the god dam move.

tht is just how man is wired into thinking. if he wants to get the girl he would need to pull out all the stops.

get it?
so if he doesnt , he is not into you and please save yourself from all the heart break and punching moments by assuming he is not into you.

isnt that right ?

JNZL

words before i sleep

2011-05-11T03:04:00.001+08:00

all the party all the late nights all the filrts and all the wrong with some rights.

i havent revise my work. tmr tmr tmr. it will always be tmr. oh shyt i know.
but its really gonna be tmr.

so as i was saying.
with all the wrong things i do. maybe deep down i crave to be like tht?
maybe deep down because i wasnt one so therefore i want it so much?

talk abt whatsapping a person who is attached. WHAT? no matter how shun xiong phrase it, according to my principals, its soo wrong.
but wth he said it was ok.

seriously is this how guys really think? so its ok for ur gf to msg other guy on a daily hourly min basis? AND U ARE COOL WITH IT?

if i am the person, sure as hell i am not OKAY.
you know maybe what isnt mine will nv be mine. but at least i tried.

so with all the emo posts, all i am searching for is for someone to love me again. not tht i will die w/o it. but i dun want to live w/o it.

partying makes me feel free again. like to make me realise for all things tht i did. it wasnt wrong. because i am single and i can do whatever i want.

but ppl think of me as a bad thing?
since life w/o love of my bf is alrdy bad enough. i cant think of other fun things tht can satisfy my thirst.

sure i love h2ht.
but i love having fun too!
i love to be wild and like i dun care abt other ppl opinion because i dun drink nor smoke nor do anything to harm others.

drinking gong cha was my joy until ppl ban me frm it.
eating ashtons with suf and others was once a big joy for me.

u really dunno how much i love steak.
and i offically HATE SOUP SPOON, SUBWAY .
WTH. I REALLY DUN WANT TO PAY EXP BUCKS FOR SOUP OR BREAD WITH A FEW SLICES OF MEAT WITH VEGS.
but yet again. its nt gonna happen anytime soon.

so i am out to find new thrills in life.

i just want to feel normal again. please dont judge me.
JNZL

to dearest

2011-04-18T07:06:00.000+08:00

DEAR dearest(u know its u right)

just promise me tht we will never ever ever ever ever be apart no matter what happens to me. just promise me that u will always be on my side when i tell u my problems. just promise to hold on to me when i fall. just promise me that you and i will never be like all my past horrible bestf. who betrayed me, stabbed me in the back. just promise me you will never judge me.i need my awesome to be impartial to not judge me in whatever. to believe in my decisions to believe i have my own reasons for doing things. most importantly never ever judge me because i am so scared that you will judge me and leave me for good when i tell u my problems. its so hard for a person to really mean it when they dont judge. like those friends on gossip girls. remember what horrible things selena did and their friends didnt judge? can u do tht for me?

i think its only a matter of time i lose control of myself.when i do be there for me like u promised. the.only.reason.why.ihavent.been.able.to.tell.u.my.problems.is.because.i.am.scared.of.losing.u.

love you always and hope u do too.
JNZL

to you

2011-04-18T06:51:00.000+08:00

to you:

i feel so miserable so horrible so disgusted at myself for having those horrible thoughts. i just feel so unsafe, i dun feel protected. AND YOU made it worse by deleting those msgs and making me feel even more angry and u know what the hell if you could just be frank with me for whatever u do i wont have to keep bugging u to show me. AS IN WHAT THE HELL. WHAT DO U EXPECT ME TO REACT WHEN U ARE SO DEFENSIVE ABT UR WHATSAPP AND TEXTS.dont talk to me abt privacy. we are like half a decade thru and u we are sooo past the privacy issue. what's there to hide if u are not scared or guilty. huh. likeing u are making the situation worse x234325245.

enuf said k,nt even a text frm u after like 4-5 days? excellent. what's to expect right. all these anger piling up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up. and before i slit someone else throat, i dunno i need a therapist. like totally .

after u said u DONT FEEL LIKE HELPING ME? JUST DONT WANT? EVEN AFTER I CRIED SOO MUCH? WHAT DID U SAY BASTARD? DONT WANT? DONT FEEL LIKE IT? GET UR HEAD STRAIGHT , I AM NOT UR ORDINARY FRIEND , AND WHAT IS OUR INITIAL PURPOSE OF BECOMING THIS STATUS? TO ALWAYS BE THERE WHEN THE OTHER PARTY NEEDS YOU RIGHT. HELLO?! U HAVE THE ABILITY TO BE THERE WHEN I NEED U. U JUST CHOOSE NOT TO. SO THIS IS WHY PPL KILL EACH OTHER. SO IF I CAN DO THE SAME ISNT THIS CALLED STRANGERS? LIKE IF I SEE AN OLD WOMAN FALL DOWN I CAN DONT WANT TO HELP BECAUSE SHE IS NOT RELATED TO ME AND EVEN IF SHE DIES ITS NOT MY PROB. U KNOW KARMA COMES ROUND. I DUNNO I FEEL LIKE HURTING THE PPL U WLD LOVE MOST NEXT TIME. MAKE U FEEL HOW IS IT LIKE TO BE THE OTHER END. BECAUSE LAO NIANG DONT FEEL LIKE IT. YAH ALL THESE, U CANT BLAME ME. U TAUGHT ME THIS IDIOT. SO NEXT TIME WHEN I PULL THIS STUNT ON PPL U LOVE MORE THAN ME . U WILL FEEL IT .YES. BECAUSE WHEN I NEEDED U SO MUCH . ITS LIKE I THROW AWAY MY PRIDE AND BEGGED U TO ACCOMPANY ME. U SAID. U DONT FEEL LIKE IT. MAY GOD HAVE PITY ON U.

JNZL

too many ppl

2011-04-18T05:50:00.000+08:00

Dear guy,

sometimes when too many people are chasing you , or hot on heels you will feel you are so wanted that u dun regard girls as impt any more. i made me realise what a spoilt guy u are. maybe you are charismatic, and many girls just fall to ur feet wanting your attention . thts cool with me . but whats not cool is when you said you wouldnt bother to chase a girl as the reason is because u are so proud and egoistic?
i dunno. but i sure know it was a big turn off for me. not being humble . so i decided, if all u are is just being nice to all the girls u have met, so there is actually no real meaning in u being extra nice yah. so i am going to extract you out from my life. totally. learn from ur brother dude. =__=

sincerely frm all the girls.

----------------------------------

i couldnt sleep. there are too may things on my mind. no.1 was my last final MYE paper. was thinking if i shld go to the airport and there it stays in my mind till 6am crapp~

i have also made another life changing decisions.
seems like all the pretty ppl get more previllages.
i shall not ask god why my mr right has nv been here or why everybody just want me to change.

i shall slowly , but surely step by step turn into a woman who is everybody miss right.
isnt it better? for once not blaming life and point the finger to oneself?

JNZL

How to be attractive

2011-04-13T01:45:00.000+08:00

My fantasy world would be a guy giving me 100% attention, would SMS me first would take the bloody initiative to do things they are supposed to do. To chase girls not the other way and to be romantic like how it would melt ones heart.

U know I chatted with him abt so many things yesterday. We were really open. Like really open. So here comes the qn. What if one day we decided to call it quits. U know things like that. We talked abt how he would be my perfect guy friend. But I asked him isn't it weird if u are my best guy friend and still not my boyfriend? So we moved on to why am I not that attractive. So since I was feeling so open tht day I dunno why I am able to talk abt things like this too. So we were exchanging comments on how loud and vulgaur I was.

He tried to explain using scenarios like if snsd were to act like me behind screen what will I feel. So everyone has established something which is I look good in photos. Just only Lena told me tht too. I was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Ok so we chatted and talked on how can I be more attractive. I know wth yeah. We finalized it. I just need to close my mouth, subtle smile, be what I look like. The girl next door though I swear I am very extreme on the inside. To say a little vulgar to laugh softer to talk softer to be more sweet , kind.
ALL IN ALL. to act like I am not myself is the best way to present myself. Well done.

You know I really hate it when guys don text u FIRST! and u need to think of a gazillion things on what to type on just one SMS. Isn't it easier for the guy to just be cold? Frm the start? Maybe being nice to everybody results in ppl misunderstanding ur own actions.

I just hate mind games. U know it's like a contest who is being colder or care less. Because if I were to show tht I care more I lose. So I put down my sword and really hope u wld join my side. Because I dun know anymore which page u are on. and I don't want u to avoid me when we meet. Then why the hell did we even msg anyway.

So tell me if it's killing u inside cause it's killing me too.

JNZL

confused

2011-04-11T03:59:00.000+08:00

you know ppl always say when u find the right guy it comes to u naturally.

i am so puzzled with what life is trying to steer me to.
a path of self destruction or to a path of better happiness. every time i am waivered i always have my principals to stand by so therefore i am sort of safe i guess?

sometimes treating me like as if i will always be by ur side is kinda dangerous. even though u are always so eligible, in times like this, i just pray that you would treat me better.

treat me like as though you really love me. treat me like as if today might be our last . treat me right is it always that hard?
is it always hard to express what you really feel? or is it u are feeling so whatever . so u didnt realise that i became colder? like didnt u notice i am different now? i dont throw a big fuss when u have no time for me. be it too tired, too much work , no family time and so on. didnt u realise i just say ok? as in since when on earth am i so calm and composed. u know i know u wont change. deep down u know its hard for me to change too. sometimes u hold the upper hand so i got to shut the hell up and let u win. but why is it me tht must change? why arnt u changing dam it. u have no right to tell me to change if u cant even change urself for me. what happen to the two way thing.

sometimes, its so scary thinking how everything would change . how i would be deceived for life and i wouldnt even notice it.as in i give u the benefit of doubt tht u are tired tht day.

so the real qn is , are u really prepared to give ur everything to me?

--------------------------------------

my god dam dad is always asking me to slim down.
ok fine lena too.

ok now i am doing something abt it.
so i was thinking.

if i become slimmer and pretty will ppl love me more? will i hv more chances of having the upper hand and become the one the chooses instead always feeling like i am always on the chopping board.
so if i am prettier will u treasure me more, but why only treasure me more when i become pretty? why cant u treasure me more when i am at my ugliest. so if i become prettier i will be wilder i will attract more guys, then u will feel more protective of me? if i become prettier will u treat me better? will u listen to me more? will u be happier because u can show me off to ur friends? am i such a disgrace now?so i am always thinking. if i am prettier, yes ppl will respect me more,yes ppl will love me more yes ppl will treasure me more and yes ppl will want me more and yes ppl will listen to me more and yes i will be more powerful.

and ppl always asking me why the hell am i not changing for myself but for others. u know i am so tired of explaining.
isnt obvious. i want ppl to treasure me more i want ppl to love me more i want ppl to respect me more i want ppl to want me more and not make me feel like as if i am some kns outcast or some person who can be thrown here and ther or some person who can be made used of. because i want all these i need to be prettier.

JNZL

hair and results

2011-03-18T02:58:00.000+08:00

i bleached my hair! well.. it became a soft ashy light brown colour. it is pretty but due to my tan skin it is not-so-pretty!

as long as ppl dun keep telling me black suits me i am cool. cause 3 mths later i am gonna dye dark chocolate brown. so there.

i received my grades. everything is good except for macro200 i got a credit! 63?
what?! my micro was an 80! something is wrong so i need to seek clarification , appeal , what ever it takes.

i am dam sure they didnt transfer the percentage for my missed test which i had an MC.
PRAYING , CROSSING FINGERS.

i am so sad . i could have gotten 80+ for my marketing but because i studied super last min i only got 75. i could feel that my dear jeff lecturer was so disappointed in me. he was kinda expecting me to top the cohort but i let him down.

macro was a mess! initially the marks on portal said i failed! what nonsense is this! i am like the leader of the class can. i am very sure when it comes to theory i am no.one. but due to last min studying my firmness wavered. but still not to the extent of failing.luckily the school informed me there had been a confusion of marks so it was corrected to 63. still not appropriate so i am going to appeal. even teacher didnt believe me tht i failed! again. let down to mr lee of not topping the cohort maybe due to error! must be la! nv take into acct of my MC right knn.

well, i did surprisingly well for law and management. especially for law. sht sia i was so dam bloody nervous cause i forgot all the cases. but well. i did it.

this time round i am really gonna put my heart and soul into these exams.
even though habits are hard to change but u know i will do my best

JNZL

an opportunity under my nose

2011-03-01T15:24:00.000+08:00

SEOHYUN!
haha ok anw no relation to things tht i wanna talk about.

I love my blog because i can talk all i want and if people want to bitch about it i have nothing to say because this is my own space and whatever i say is my honest thoughts. so FYL if u judge me.

Everyday you will only face obstacles after obstacles or temptation tht deters you away from your final goal and they blur /block your vision of what u initially want to achieve.

same for me too.
there are so many god dam things blocking my way and i just lost sight of my final goal. GET A GOOD JOB AND EARN BIG MONEY.
temptations like milk tea koi and gong cha. hey don't u down on these small temptations as these make me fat. and it was them tht kills me slowly and dam stealth. those ecstatic moments when i get so many when i get a cup of koi despite the effing long queue. its worth it. but looking at it in the LR, it is actually like a small devil manifesting inside me making me fatter and fatter.
and there are events that make me extremely upset. see all these brings me down and i am not living my life fully by concentrating on these issues. i will be stuck in this quick sand and not long later i will be suck into this river of sorrow and die.

so while i was drowning.i suddenly realise how stupid i am for losing my sight of the goal. when my dad started to tell me what wonderful opportunities that i actually can make use of. Just i have to be slim. so here i am going to do exercise.

eat like a king breakfast and princess when lunch and beggar during night.
run job walk an hour, situps and push ups.
tomatoes as tibitis and apples as sub.

may the force be with me through my struggles and pray that my determination nv cease.

JNZL

the day i got my ring

2011-02-18T03:37:00.000+08:00

Today 17feb2011 is the day where i collected my ring. sorry i am lazy to upload the normal no effect pic cause dearie looks too indian here. GAH.

anyway, there was something tht i felt so happy to get a ring again. although things didnt start right today but i am certainly glad it was over. you know sometimes i am soo filled with jealousy that i am overwhelmed with anger. the reason why i was jealous was plainly because i didnt get the same treatment as someone else. so i felt the unfairness rising inside me. though i still feel like making a huge scence , in reality i just flare my nose and kept quiet looking at the person with laser eye tht i swear could even cut diamonds.

well thts me i just show it. so again back to the topic.

i just love having a ring so much that i cant help but keep touching it. althouh the design wasnt my first choice because this ring is a comb of sliver and bronze. what i really want was the majority gold with a little sliver ring.

but too bad tht man design was too sec sch kid for suf so for the sake of the big pic i went with the second one. well, i know u cant see the ring well. upload next time.

(dont even know if he will regularly wear anyway. since he wont be wearing it at hm =( )

we shall see.

so here are the photos of me. love blogging! btw love effects tht are available for iphone apps!

the below pics are originals. BUT AI YA I LOVE EFFECTS!

ok, so i want to rebond. or shld i not? its so god dam damaging!

soft rebond? still damaging !

OH ONE LAST THING.

I LOVE A WHOPPING 5KG! gosh it was a total shock when i stood there and asked suf to double confirm. nice one there babe. one step closer to working with lena!

JNZL

mixed

2011-02-12T03:23:00.001+08:00

firstly
i am officially announcing that i spent 6 hrs in a salon doing a single colour dye. gosh! and i nv fail to end up as the last cust even thought i reached kimage academy at 3pm. leaving at near 9pm. ?!

yeah. so WHO THE HELL knows if u dyed ur hair black. IT IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE for u to put in any more colours. tht is exactly what had happened to me. after the horrible taiwan dye, i decided on putting it back to jet black and now i cant BLEACH my whole head. GOSH NO. if not it would be ruined. so all i got for $121 was a super dark brown near black.

PRAY GOD THT it becomes lighter! i hope it would!how cld tht cute stylist said unless ii slowly cut it off, it would be ok. NO . i still have another whopping 10cm like a whopper burger in BK. how to cut. 6 yrs later k. =.=
aim is to be as long as dawn yang hair.
till waist! WEE~~

so i am now obessed with buying coloured shampoo that can actually deposit colour into my hair. well. shall start my find tmr.

you know it really feels weird when u asked me qns and i have to answer them w/o questioning you why u ask in the first place. am i too over-reacting? maybe. but its natural instinct.its the god dam same thing when i ask u to do a simple thing and you just have to ask.

like no offence, is a call for a few mins costs so much ?GAH!
JNZL

I WANNA BE DAWN YANG

2011-02-10T01:14:00.000+08:00

TRUTHFULLY SAYING SHE IS REALLY PRETTY
plastic yes but oh my god. plastic surgery well done. look at her! do u even disagree?

those big wide barbie fake eys, those nice nose and high cheeks. plastic. SO?!
those long luscious hair.

after my lect commented tht it was hard for me to slim down made me oh so sad.
today we walked a different path. maybe because i am his talkable student , he took my suggestion and accompanied me to take the bus and train! he is teaching another class at bugis! so instead of his usual bus ride, i nicely asked him to walk with me.

you know with companion everything seems to past so fast!
so as usual we talked alot and me grumbling abt him having earned too much money and not spending it to enjoy himself!

he is 38 and single! oh my gawd! plus no gf! gosh! and how to find gf when his schedule is like packed to the max! no joke. its like the only time free is weekends and his weekends is busy with scripts! WAD?!

yes! omg . and he doesnt like branded stuff, brings recycled bag . wad else. oh and refuse to buy a car. he monthly salary is a whoppin 5 figure.. not surprised since his lecturing schedule is soo packed. so i told him he was GREEDY!

as in if he is his in his peek then maybe its alright. but he is over the peek alrdy! and the money? i dunno. he just saves saves earn saves. he says tht its for his old age. i was like GAH!

he doesnt even like gambling! he saves and scrimps so much! like refilling free water frm sch and dun buy stuff. take public transport and always arriving 1hr before starting time. WOAH.

if i am like him. no wait.. i cant.

WHAT THE HELL. how can i resist those blogshops sprees for nail polishes, shoes, bags, diaries, sunglasses, cameras, skin products masks. omg its endless.

ALL MY MONEY IS TOWARDS SPREES!

and if i am a size zero.wth no way. all the dress sprees would be OMG. cant imagine.
no maybe my darling sweetie bf will be more than willing to spend money on me.
oh not to mention my over enthu dad when it comes to dressing me up.

he always COMPLAIN THAT IF ONLY I WAS SLIMMER HE COULD HAVE BOUGHT ME SO MANY EXP DRESS. so gd la. save money. =.=

ANW, so my aim is to be as close to looking like her. since looking like SNSD like impossible. -.-

oh and er looKIng like a jap is close to being 99% impossible. i saved the 1% in case some plastic surgeon in korea decided to sponsor me for a full face reconstruction. BUAHAHAHAHAA

i am kinda crazy over seohyun . i dunno why. i seem to want to act like her.
be a health conscious and serious girl. her perfectionist character seems to rub off me after watching so many WGM series.....

yeah so lastly i am heading to kimage academy for my colouring. wish me luck.

JNZL

Asa Nisi Masa's Giveaway!

2011-02-07T14:03:00.000+08:00

woo hoo! entering this

Asa Nisi Masa's Giveaway!

Publish Post

as you guys know i am sooo crazy about OPI and wadever it is about nail polish! and i saw this giveaway !

wo hoo! what better timing right? so i decided if i get these nail polish i would definetly do my nail art! 3 cheers for free gifts.

http://asanisimasa148.blogspot.com/2011/01/hey-hey-its-giveaway.html

JNZL

scared of looking old

2011-01-30T04:51:00.000+08:00

due to jeff quack which told me that he sincerely thinks that i am a 25 yr old person when i haven even reach god dam 20 yet.

i started to feel that i am looking that old too.
he was complaining that my face lacks luster, radiance and i do not look youthful nor pretty and how the hell am i gonna find someone to marry later.
then he said cannot be like him.

then me to drink bird nest when i am allergic to it.
so i was really getting paranoid and his words crept up to me slowly and stays on like a disease. I kept looking at myself in a mirror and really realized that i look so god dam old.

reason: last mth, i was practically frantically trying my utmost best to complete my assignments and doing well for tests. so i barely slept. worse, i slept during the day. holy wth right.

and he hav to add on by saying tht for females our menses actually mix with our good genes and what? flow away with it too? ALTHOUGH I SOUNDS NONSENSE to me , but wad ever la he's just trying to say that i look old and if i dun start to help myself i will look like a haggard when i reach 25.

soo, making excuses tht CNY is coming too, i stocked up on my intensive care for face such as GEL mask and gel patch for the eyes.

raving about gel stuffs cause its a one way thing. ur face's moisture wont sort of get sucked back to the paper mask.

i really didnt bother putting any thing on my face except for make up. and washing of face.
come to think of it, no wonder i lost my radiance.

so i put toner, followed by essence, then stick on my eye mask, then do my face mask, then sleep pack.
I DUN BELIEVE IF I DO THIS EVERYDAY MY FACE WONT GLOW.

if it takes a double mask to do the job i will do it. since i have so many masks at hm. cheapo ones la. not what olay where it cost $4 for one mask. mine like those ALOT ones are like a $1 each or a little more. so everyday use also ok de.

i scared overload then got pimples. NO!
anyway shopping for clothes, shoes and stuffs so fun!

WANT TO DyE MY HAIR INTO DARK CHOCOLATE COLOUR. i have been raving about it!
JNZL

there's a knot in my heart

2011-01-26T04:40:00.000+08:00

after J told me her blog and looking at bestie changing her blog too. i have been wanting to change to wordpress like since J1. BUT the reasons i had for not changing was far tooo many.

it ranges from no time, too complex, people cant tag, cant find nice skins.
well, THE REAL reason for me , now that i realize is that there is a person out there who i really despise told me not to change my blog.
well it was mentioned in one of the many kns posts but nevertheless mentioned. so u mustbe wondering. if i despise the person so god dam much shld'nt i just create a new one and move on?
as in tht's what's life about anw right? moving on.

but i just cant. i have this hug knot in my heart that i want the person to still know my blog.you see, its all the small stupid details which you think ppl might easily forget but definitely not for me.
i am always easily sad, hurt and feeling disappointed with all the small details. Hey my friend told me that i fret too much or stress too much over small things.

WHICH IS BAD. but tht's who i am you see.
so there is this struggle in my heart. to let it go forever or to just keep it at this stage.
i know the latter is the wrong choice but i am stuck. may the holy ppl from above shine some god dam light on this situation.

you know curiosity always gets the better out of me.
i could search for hours just to find the new blog website and keep it a secret in case people would start scolding me for being plain STUPID. till now, i told no one and i intend to keep it this way too.

BUT the knot...
for soooo god-dam -long now, i still cant manage to untie it....
what does it mean? is it meant to be?
argh!

JNZL

after i get my diray

2011-01-20T00:55:00.001+08:00

there are a couple of things that i will do after i get my diary and stuffs on the 21st or 22nd.
kns slow shipping.

i will: put down my new year resolution
diligently write down my schedule everyday
make sure i refer to it everyday
make good use of it by pasting photos or stickers or write motivational or just plain lame quotes in it.
make my life more organized and more efficient by not wasting precious hours
making my life more memorable by noting things that makes my life special.
bring my polaroid most of the time to take pictures.
set goals and targets for myself
set achievements for my exam results.
stop blaming others and try to solve things myself
be less clingy
start slotting in exercise time
start to save money by waking up on time so that i dun need to spend $20 a day for transport.
slot in interesting things from chic calendar to make my life more happening. ( if possible get my hands on one)

thts all!
i love you!
JNZL

if only i was a bombshell

2011-01-17T02:31:00.000+08:00

i know few will read it so here is go once again

have you ever felt betrayed or felt so huh!?
thts what i felt a few mins back.

when i click on this guy in my class which i think we are not to a stage where we are labeled enemies.
you know i just dont approve the way he treats his gf and i kept mum anyway so there was this sudden tension that came on. i dunno how i dunno why but it affected my relationships with ppl close to him and me too.

again i dunno why and when or how the hell it started.
ok so i lived with it all these while despite all the awakardness.
but bla whatever i am old enough to handle these crappy situations.
as in all i want is normal harmony. where ppl is just cool with each other and have fun u know.

BUT NO... THIS BLARDY WORLD JUST WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE DIE.

ok enough, back to the topic.
so i clicked this guy fb today out of curiosity. like how u would randomly click on someone's fb .
so i did and guess what bitches.

it said PRIVATE. like what the fuck la. confirm is he delete me as a friend thts why become private what.

I WAS LIKE HUH!? WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT!?
like seriously.

so now what. not even normal friends la. wa piang eh. this is totally awesome imba shitty news.
i soo cannot swallow it down.
as in WHY.... WHY... WHY.. I REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY.

it takes double clicks to delete me and still need to search for my name in friends list to delete know.
why wtf right.

SO I CAME TO A BIMBOTIC CONCLUSION.
if i was a drop dead bombshell, i could have easily asked him

like..

" hey! i have uploaded some pics of the class during an outing last time, but i cant seem to tag you? WHY IS THAT SO?!"

KNN... confirm he pai sei then say fb got some technical errors and quickly add me back.
-_____-lll

sorry my imaginations are uncontrollable when i am angry.
alright so ming en .. i am going to run run run run and when i feel tired i will think of all these IB (immature bastards) and run run run run run...

i really want to get back at them sooo freaking bad...
i want them to swallow back their words sooo bad.

KA NA SAI. how can u treat me like that.

i am gonna run run run eat less, study more and be a bombshell.
(hope this anger in me last)

omg.. still light years away frm a bombshell.

fat nose fat face.

i must not be half hearted

JNZL

everytime

2011-01-12T04:11:00.000+08:00

its in my blood.
its in my DNA.

Maybe GOD ACTUALLY wanted me to be fat so as to prevent me from committing moral values crimes.
come to think of it, not being fat makes me feel so free to do whatever i want and without caring about consequences.

oh my.. tht really doesnt sound good.
although i am trying real hard to see reality as what it is and not trying to read those vague lines once again.
because i know if i weren't fat, those blur lines may have been oh too obvious by now.

i live to be happy but sometimes, things that makes me happy disturbs others.

JNZL

is it me

2010-12-13T01:35:00.001+08:00

temptations are really every where.
they are soo tempting that i cant help but fall into it once again.

but then again why am i so afraid?
maybe its because i am scared tht i am over spontaneous?

we all tell lies, one way or another.
for the good of others or just to protect oneself.

in conclusion we tell lies that makes us feel better off.
but i am so scared to expose these lies
because to expose these lies i would have to tell other lies so that ppl wont know that i am telling a lie.

WOW~

---------------------------------------------------------------

now, its all back to school and scoring high grades so that in reality, i get a chance to start to work hard to earn big bucks.

and again my tuitions will start really soon and there goes my age 20.
hectic life.

OMG. in a few days time i am going to be 20.
and in a few yrs time, i will be out working
in a another few days time i would be stating down my resolutions.

and there goes another year.
will i have regrets , of course. will i look back and said it could have been better? of course.
with time comes wisdom.

IT REALLY TRUE WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOU GET WISER AND YEARS GOES BY.
especially when big things happen to you.

i would like to highlight the things in my life that i hav learnt.
ok i shall do the rest other times.

but this one.
F-R-I-E-N-D-S

friends are truly seasonal.
they come as they wish, and leave as they wish.
i bet some of you that are reading this know that you are one of these people too.

its all abt the company.
once you feel accepted by your peers in a group, and once u feel that you have the power to influence, you will tend to stay longer.

evidence such as you always get called up for shopping trips, group studies or even lunch.
you will feel that you are being needed or wanted.
once you feel that, you will start to grow on them.

but what if one fine day these ppl that u lean on suddenly stop texting you, stop inviting you.
well you will just have 2 options
option 1: find another clique
option2 : be a loner.

normally people will choose option 1. but i tried so hard and i think almost nearing option2.

you see, ppl whom i talked to quite a bit cant even see me eye to eye anymore.
it is totally like HUH?!

when i smile, they just turned away like i was some disease.
its so awakard that i shld have a handbook tht teaches me how to avoid these situations.

well if you are naturally pretty seriously dun even worry.

even once my close friend D, become so far apart.
maybe due to timetable changes, we became vvv far apart.

just not long ago when i had a class, tht we were in tgt, she did not even sit by my side and nv even talked to me. well she found another close friend i guess. its very heart wrenching for me and i cant help feeling helpless.

am i complaining?
no.

i tried so hard. sms, talk, but it was of no use.
we cant be what we used to be.

maybe my wish for every year would be dumb ass being able to come back as a group to talk and chit chat as how close friends should be.

no matter how far apart we are now, there will always be a time where we can gather ard.
never feeling awkward towards each other.

thts my wish.
is that your wish too?

JNZL

abandoned

2010-12-02T02:07:00.000+08:00

ABANDONED ONCE MORE.

before i head out to watch youtube to make me happier, i shall pour all my sorrows here once and for all and heck to care who sees it cause i am feeling so bad right now i think i will just say it and let it go and try again once more and not just sit down there and die~

you know, i tried really hard to be nice, to be funny and talk like one of them and to mingle...
but no matter how hard i tried to mingle, there is always a GAP or WALL which stops me from mingling.

you know , friends are seasonal. they be with you when they feel sticky or when they feel u rock.
-.-

an example would be Y sticking with D all the time .
but when it comes to project work, HOW COME Y IS NOT WITH D?
hmmm... who knows right.

you know overnight, i suddenly became their "invisible friend"
so they nv invite me to study together, nv ask to hang out together.
well, we arnt tht close so closing one eye for the hang out part.

but STUDY! hey come on...
they called soooooo many people and guess how i found out.
i met them in the sch library and boom! i saw all of them gather and i dun think they seem rather pleased to see me in there.

i was like cant they kindly invite me ? we are classmates after all right.
did i really really did something which made it feel unpleasant?

i overheard L saying " trust me working with her is going to be unpleasant" (ok i dun noe if this line was for me but i think they wld hav felt it some way or another)

it hurt my feelings soo bad i think i cld have cried.
or rather i cried. but it was hours later.

so am i really unpleasant?
am i really so dam hard to click?

oh ya, they do communicate to me when they sense something urgent that they do not know.
-.-

today grouping was ...

well initially i knew i was no hope in hoping they could accept me in their group, its not like i am not hardworking or leeching off ppl.

so there were 5 of us.
suddenly there was a grp of 4.

i knew i was going to be kicked out.
like as if tht wasnt bad enough, C came along and they started chit chatting and i think they wanted C to be in .

THEN i heard :" then joey how" .
wa holy mongolian. i straight away know in their heart they were thinking like: "ARGH why is joey here, how to tell her? cant she automatic leave?" i swear that broke my heart

and i was like looking EVERYWHERE for a group and maybe god was merciful, someone didnt had a group, so i paired with the new girl and another girl with another boy.

i really wished D would be my friend back, because one classmate asked if we were still friends.
holy molly.

feel so weak being alone once more. oh dont say i nv try ok.

I WAS THE ONE WHO INITIATED ALL THE SMSES.
I DID MY PART or more.

so my only true friends are probably bowling and dumbass.

maybe i should slim down and look super pretty and be super popular so all these wont happen.
ya, like as though becoming that wont hav any probs.

JNZL

mother fucker

2010-11-28T23:04:00.000+08:00

for the intended person who loves soccer.

i went online, abandoned my kpop mama show and came in to gmail chat.
suddenly u saw ur fav soccer live show like mine is not.

then u asked to call me back 30 mins later i just said leave it.
but no... u keep asking the same qn for like 10 times and i replied u the same ans 10 times.
then u said i kp.

seriously.

after you refuse to ans my call and even went offline. deeming me irritating but u are so HORRIBLE.

JNZL

its gonna be alright

2010-11-11T05:06:00.000+08:00

i still feel happiest with my secondary school close friends.
i am hopping to meet them on new year . omg why is it soo dam hard.

go to pan pacific to slp over for a night. watch fireworks, play games talk nonsense.....

haha omg. our face changed. dont you agree?
JNZL

doesnt matter aint more

2010-11-10T01:47:00.002+08:00

just wanted to called for some comfort but got a cold reply.
just wanted to ask for help cause i am scared and dunno what to do.
but i just got an angry reply.
called because you are the first one i'd turned to but no u hated it.
called because i hope u did cared but no you just want me to hang up.
since when i got this clingy i also didnt realise.
called because i was hoping you would say" its ok and help me "

all you wanted was to sleep.
it is wrong to want to sleep? nope.
is it wrong to feel pissed ? nope.
is it wrong to just let me decide when i said i couldnt decide and asked me to call other people? nope.

its all my fault.its all my fault. its all my fault. its all my fault.its all my fault.
dont worry. i know. you are too tired too busy.

u said i am a grown up already.
so i dont really know what are you there for. oh ya does it matter? nope cause its all my own wrongdoing.
do i deserve it? i dunno. i tried. yup not enough not showing. its my fault.

dont you feel happy seeing me helpless but will try my best not to turn to you anymore?
i know you are.

you made me felt like i was one irritating bitch that kept calling.
i am sorry for what i did. but dont worry. it is all my fault.

i should turn into someone who blames everything on myself.
its me its me its me.

i pictured a beautiful world. but its me that made it seem ugly.
what can i ask for ? nothing. i will get nothing in return.
yes the picture is beautiful but yet so sad isnt it? because it will only live in our minds of us . people who have yet grown up. growing up is right. stubborn? no. wanted more guidance but you couldnt offer me that.

do i find others then my beautiful friend?

JNZL

drift

2010-11-06T04:43:00.000+08:00

i drift u drift we all drift apart someway somehow, fast or slow doesnt matter we'll still drift.

so exciting to see two friends liking someone.
i know i wont get to know who but seeing them having one-sided love reminds me of how love started.
i hope they get love back too.

jia you L AND D.
=)
JNZL

2010-11-05T14:44:00.000+08:00

If only I got the power to feel what others are feeling then I would go like this.

"I touched his hand and felt his pain. Ah, he too went through this pain which I went through but I can never see it because I am preoccupied with another"

Yet another sad story of someone loving someone quietly and even though the pain of the other is no less than the pain he feels,he is being neglected. Is it all worth while I would ask, and he will say it not in the power of my mind to decide.my heart can't stop and I shall say you're a fool, then again who isn't .

JNZL

Evil thoughts frm no where

2010-11-05T00:11:00.001+08:00

A simple thought manifested
In my brain

Just have to say it.

If i cry, you will cry too. If i fall u will fall too. If i die you will die too and if i go down, you will go down with me too.

I am not evil or mean or anything. I just suddenly thought of it.

Not any revenge too. Just a thought of why ppl are always grttig away with their own deeds and why am I always the one trying so hard to please everybody. This sucks big time and guess what, whoever said friends are reliable, they forgot about the word change.

Fuck this shit. I hate people who changes .

JNZL

temptations once again

2010-10-19T03:28:00.000+08:00

The devil is here to bring me to the forbidden side again.
thanks to the angels which bless me with homework and more tests allows me to stop side-tracking and start focusing on my initial plan.

to get good grades..
Bu then again, the devil would never back down without a fight.

John W. DeForest:

It is not the great temptations that ruin us; it is the little ones.

JNZL

to die for list

2010-10-14T04:26:00.000+08:00

hermes lindy bag!

i know it is super out of reach if you guys know what the real price is.

if even i saved for a decade i would not have enough spare cash to buy this $12,000 bag.

yes i am not joking.

this retails at this price

so i am going to buy a lookalike bag. the design is awesome and a REALLY to die for bag.

just the the house fly who kept sucking the sharkfin soup left over even when my heavy cup is right on top of it.

i think it thinks that the sharkfin soup is something to die for.

literally~

and the look alike bag may cost a fraction of what this real holy bag cost,

maybe $500+ oh well, at least i get to have the geeze of it.

EH I THINK HERMES BAG can become marriage gift lor!

maybe thts what newyokers do. hohoho

NEXT TO DIE-FOR-BAG

SPOTTED.

this CELINE luggage bag is awesome!

well just that it cost abt $2350!!!

i love this bag which is still oh-so -far from me but still within reach. unlinke the first one u know.

this bags looks so right to me. who could refuse such a bag if someone were to give it to u as a gift!

the miu miu collection!

L.A.M.B. Darjeeling Bangalor Purse

which now retails at $400+

haha! now imagine a bag this so luxurious but yet so oh-understated.

this classic Miu Miu Mateleasse Handbag is still the office lady bombshell bag.

in time you will understand why it will look oh so good on you!

1500!

BY THE WAY! the new trends i see is now having leather pleats bags.

i have one too! cheapo but still good charles and keith bag.

will upload photo if got to the time too, but keep a sharp eye on other fashion bags!

cause the pleats are in! (and are here to stay?)

these two "paper bags"

loewe above and

PROENZA SCHOULER PAPER-EFFECT LEATHER BAG

these two grows on you..

till then stop drooling and stop imagining yourself with these back. or else they will haunt you! hahaa

JNZL

forever

2010-10-05T04:08:00.000+08:00

every time when i watch a drama and manage to cry is because my mind will automatically picture you in this situation and every time my mind does that i will cry.

a simple reason which took me soo long to realize.
i really cannot live without you.

you know couples always had trouble thinking what they would etch on their rings.
some would be so chim i wouldn't bother to understand.

but you know what i have always wanted to be on my ring would be
words like : forever together, eternal.. ( things like that)

because ultimately its the simplest words in life that we tend to forget.
we always forget to live for ourselves and we always forget how truly important someone is to you until you lost them.

i know i may be dramatic but you know if my life were to be someone who keeps everything to herself. i might really go mental which means that is why i am always so vocal.

finding a person who is able to sacrifice everything for you only happens in drama or drastic situations .
however for normal human life, finding someone who is able to take in everything you got and still willing to stay put with you, you better not lose sight of him cause a second one might never come along again.

i am so happy i have found mine.
although i am still resistant to whatever i need to sacrifice, living without him is still unspeakable.
past exp which might make me mental if i have to go through it again.
young, teenage. so my adult life will not let any of it happen right.

the thing i fear most.
people leaving me.

its not a fear that i can overcome, even with help.
so the word forever means so so so so so much more to me than you can ever realise.

so i would sacrifice things that mean so much to me just to be with you.
because no matter what leaving you is still ultimately the worst feeling i would never want to have.

this is not an emo post.
i just really want to type out my thoughts and my true feelings .

( you know, now i imagine myself alone on rock19 or on a bench looking at life doing its magic, i can feel myself saying " ah... you know no matter how life hard may be now, looking at the sea, the people , you will realise that someone is always looking out for you and is always concern about you. no matter how lonely you feel, no matter how life brings you down, there is always someone who will be willingly to love you unconditionally and with that, continue to live a life that is worthwhile looking back "

yours truly
jnzl.

i m losing you. can u see it

2010-09-25T00:05:00.000+08:00

I AM LOSING YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ?

i am so afraid this would happen. it was like predicted?
from the very day when you waivered about your thoughts about sticking through it together.
i was so sad about your mindset that i showed it out in anger instead.

i was soo angry tht day. in my heart i was like.
WHAT THE SHIT?! i thought WE agreed on this together? i thought we were supposed to be together like super glue?

so what happen in the middle?
first it was losing the days that we were able to meet up.
next it was losing the hours we were able to see each other in due to our commitments,
next was not introducing your friends to me and went to events w/o me .
then it was not sharing details about your life with me cause instead of laughing WITH ME , you shared your laughter with others.

then when it comes to me asking you out. YOU WERE NEVER EVER FREE. but u always took the time out to go to other ppl events and i dont see why i dont get such things.

i went all the way for you , but u just took it for granted and left me here all alone now.

THE WHOLE CONCEPT IS SUPPOSE TO BE TOGETHER...
WHICH PART OF together do you not understand.

was it to? or was it gather.

argh i am feeling angry, sad , lonely and many more feelings which is too complex for my limited vocab. i bet rongquan could do a better job.

i know you dont visit my blog.

but do you know how hard is it to confront you with this problem?

you dun reply my msges, you dun ans my call .

wth is wrong man...
so now you got A and many more.

so yeah i get the hint.
you dun want to stick ard with me anymore.

just another person who is gonna break my heart once more.
i shld have a loyal guy friend.

ahh! i am so jealous of those girls tht can spend time with you but not me!!!
do u know how sad i am right now.

JNZL

fml

2010-09-18T02:08:00.000+08:00

suck suck suck! my lappy dropped twice today an now it has a dent on the left and the keypad bottom left!

my 15' mac! no..

anyway, i hav been thinking of being someone who is capable of drawing and designing houses, wedding dresses.

and you know what? it sucks that my future job is now where near my ideal job.

so much for live the dream you dream.

where got money and youth to do it?

and now i am stuck with money money money related studies.

hais.

being an architect sounds so nice .

but! but! why didnt i know that designers = architect? DUMB DUMB DUMB!

my test and assignments are now taking a backseat and the main highlight for the upcoming holiday is to summarise everything and omg. i hate myself for unable to have focus.

acct 100 test was easy. all thanks to my mugging and i think i am able to score 100! woo hoo!

I FEEL LIKE SHOPPING IN FOREVER 21.

i want to buy many many clothes which look pretty on me.

i want to slim down. -.-

JNZL