I actually woke up from bed to just type this post.

I JUST HAD TO TYPE WHAT I NEED TO REFLECT OR ACTUALLY what i really want to rant about. sighs.

Just a moment ago, someone mentioned that we are supposed to feel grateful that we are actually alive for each and everyday that we are living and breathing.

everything was pretty alright until i JUST HAD TO KNOW what you were doing on fb. It's so fucking lame and retarded but fuck me, i just had to be curious on what you like on fb. what u comment on fb. yeah typically a normal stalker. well that's what fb is about anyway. =/

so it was so demoralising to see pretty sexy and skinny girls out there.

I think i am turning back time to when i was like 17? i was pretty sure i was being outcast because i just dont fit in. well, sadly looks wise too.

everyone. holy shit. EVERYONE was fucking slim in JC.

i had to be the blob . yeah , being a blob is tough.

so right now. i am probably being so freaking pessimistic abt life right now because i am not given the attention that i want. or probably like all typical women i meet they dont get satisfied when they are not getting what they want in life.

so. yeah of course i do need to work hard to get what i want in life.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING LAZY. WHY AM I SO FUCKING LAZY . WHY AM I SO FUCKING LAZYYY.

so this pent up self-hate thing started yesterday when i was looking into my weight categories for my competition this dec. yeah btw i am practicing bjj for a couple of years now and i am very into it , so much so that my fucking life revolves ard it. i want to change my work due to my lack of time to train it because i am working till like 8-10pm every single fucking day.

leke has been whinning and complaining that how awesome i used to be the LAST TIME. CCB. i wish i had my student life back. even though i was poor, i had fucking time.

when i had spare time, i could do some workout and be actually a little less fat.

to have a hour-glass figure. i was kind of blessed in the chest waist hip ratio. 

i mean its awesome that i dont have to look like a rectangle or an apple.

but that's it.

nothing more awesome than that.

i need to do squats. i need to do lunges. i need to fucking eat healthy.

i dunno la, fuck diet. doesnt help at all.

ok so bla bla bla. i just weighed myself.

=_= i got heavier by a few grams even though i cut back on my diet.

whatever pfff

so i have this concept. twisted or screwed up whatever, it made sense to me so yeah.

When you are slimer, prettier. 

your lvl of confidence rises. you are comfortable in your own skin.

you will actually have better posture since you are walking with confidence.

you will have more options open to you. (no one can deny this)

actually i also think that when you are slimmer and prettier, your level of happiness might just increase.

i mean i dont really know because i could be stupid to the max *foolish* and just keep trying to get the things that are just not meant to be. i could jolly well be blinded by my will and just you know.

NEVER MOVE ON.

i mean screw ppl that says that moving on is do-able. i cant fucking move on no matter how many yearsss have past ok. i am still fucking stuck. STUCK STUCK.

ppl that told me time heals can just fucking go kill themselves.

I am so sure that if i were to see her again , my heart will start to bleed. thinking about those past that we enjoyed together.

I MEAN HELLO YOUR FUCKING FACE FILLS HALF OF MY INSTAX ALBUM. fuck you alright.

i cant believe that i actually placed you so close to my heart. well of course i cant show how much i actually wished i could turn back time and choose to NOT TO KNOW YOU. really dear lord. i would not want to know you. 

you will never understand how much it pains me because i just cry at home without telling you. 

i can never understand how fucked up u really are until you actually MESSAGE HURTFUL MESSAGE TO ME.

LET ME CLAP MY HANDS FOR MYSELF. well done joey. this person just HURT YOU EVEN MORE AND OH YEAH SHE DONT MEAN IT. 

of course please do fuck off from my life.

i actually did ask ard. oh yeah now i remember. you actually msg me that how my friends are just trying to comfort me and just keep me blinded.

WELL FUCK YOU REALLY. OF COURSE THEY DONT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO SHOW OFF TO THEM HOW FUCKED UP A CLOSE  FRIEND TO ME REALLY IS.

i asked in a 3rd party kind of view. DUDE. IT TURNS OUT WHAT THEY SAID WAS TRUE.

they actually said why do i have such close friends.

or explicitly they said. why your friends so fucked up one.

HAHAHAHHA well done joey well done.

friends for life yo.

ok shit i deviate .

so yeah i shld just print? the 100 plus pages that i purchased.

from instagram lolll

ok anyway, i feel better already because noel just msg me.

This man is really a god-send man to me in my life. HAHAHA he just has this radar or sensor.

Every time i am feeling truly upset he would suddenly msg me.

love him la. sweet fellow.

life is kind i guess.

and i still do love you. it will never fade no matter what happens. dont know how ppl can do it but i just cant ok.

and dear L, i really do hate you so much. you totally exposed me to so many of life bad things that i really do not really want to know. you really burst my bubble of having faith.

like really if i could turn back the clock. even though i cherish you till the sort of death do us part and my life is really truly revolving ard you. even though I WILL NEVER ADMIT TO NO ONE. its those kind that i will bring it to my grave those kind.

i really wished i had just a platonic relationship with you. i guess i had my fair share of madness. ongoing madness yeah. until u decide to leave singapore for good. then i guess my madness will just stop.

i guess the reason that i love cuddling WITH THE PERSON I WANT is because it gives me a sense of illusion that i am safe. i am alright. we can conquer the world. just you and me . together.

my new dayre blog : joeyng

So today i met up with one of my guy friends whom i usually dont do meetups with.

however, i have learnt YET again that he has changed so much for the better!

so of course both of us were down right emotional to the core and we rant abt it.

i am greatly impressed by the fact that he moves on SO FAST. AND SO CLEAN. respect my friend.
on the other hand i know i cant do yet as of now.

so he told me to ponder upon it and think of ways i could change.
be the change that you want to see yourself in.

so i thought hard. then i thought abt my ex boss saying i am always hot headed for a moment and the next i am back to the same old me again.

SO HOW DO I KEEP THE FIRE BURNING!!!!
I HAVE MY JIUJITSU GOALS, BOYFRIEND GOALS, FITNESS GOALS, PERSONAL ISSUES AND CHARACTER GOALS I HAVE.

Gosh, no wonder i cant remember anything.
so i have an idea! i am gonna blog every single day! with pictures of me spamming in every post!!!
so as to have an everyday ritual for reminders of how far i have progressed.

because i am so sick and tired of never seeing the light if i think too far.
ym said: take it as goes along.

so i cant possibly spam my shamless pics here. no no no. i am gonna do it on DAYRE! Its an bloggy application which can be downloaded. and no no no i cant do it on fb too! too shocking for my friends lol.

and i shall leave the link here because my blog, i dunno who sees it anyway.
u need to download the app in order to see my dayre (blog) so its only for those peeps who are still interested in my life and i am free to share it with u! provided u dont get ewwww for all my pics i am gonna spam.

it's a good alternative because this blog is usually for bigger events that impacted me so greatly.

so currently i need to
1) break clean from my ex
2) train my jiu jit su
3) get into shape
4) gain strength
5) tone down my crazy and wild happy character.
6) be a more matured woman.

so my dayre blog would be: joeyng (just search this name and my face will pop out) 

i am one of the very early subscribers so i got to keep my name. yay?

and yeah.

i need to stop being lazy. maybe taking more pics will keep myself in check.



JNZL

a goal a temporary goal

dear joey,

let's do this. let's train so hard you want to vomit. let's train so hard that you cry once again.
let's beat ALL THE WOMAN YOU CAN WIN IN THIS UPCOMING TOKOYO UAE CHAMPIONSHIPS.

MOSTLY IMPORTANTLY, WIN YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE THE LARGEST OBSTACLE THAT YOU WILL EVER FACE.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS BLOCKING YOUR CAPABILITY TO OVERCOME ANYTHING TO BE THE BEST AND SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS.



JNZL

the last time

For all the heart wrench i have suffered, it was all my own choice. It was the road that i have chosen.

I truly enjoyed the very fact that i love to inflict such emotional scars on myself, which i could avoid but i truly know i wanted to stay.

all the times i allowed you in, just to know you will leave again.

sounds like a slut.

so this is the last time i will let you step on me, use me like i am your slave, blatantly hitting on woman, shamelessly talk about your obstacles of how i have indeed block your way to seduce even more woman, to lie to me w/o batting an eyelid saying how you ever loved me, to receive your ridiculous scoldings calling me a prostitute /slut, lying that you never tried out other woman, lie to me that you won't fool around and all that i saw was just for fun, that you were always truthful to your words.

this is the last time that i will so foolishly believe that love and concern could leak out from your mouth, believing that even as a friend, you would respect me. the last time that i will wonder how perfect if i could watch your face as i fall asleep and that how safely i would be in your arms for that brief moment before you would skype with other woman who would reciprocate your sexual desires with videos, pictures and even meeting up. maybe that twins were yours.

this is the last time i would check your phone and seeing that you were meeting multiple woman and understanding how much of a fool which i am. How much i actually do love myself enough to allow your actions to keep killing me.

and i wonder, will my heart in the near future stop because maybe heaven would be a better place where i may finally rest my body. Or maybe hell to allow pure torture to seep into my body

This is the last time i would cry silently without showing my true feelings.

so i will ask you one final time: why did you allow yourself to destroy a girl who didn't understand the hypocrisy of men and this world.

JNZL

woman and their connections

I was just browsing my long time friend's blog which i had link to it and after i read it, i felt a connection.

You see, guys may not understand what emotional turmoil we woman go thru.
Oh talking about it, just a reminder, NOT ALL WOMEN understands each other.

like how i couldn't understand a 16 year old girl who told me she would hit on a friend ex because her happiness comes first, and goes on blabbering about it depends on how nice the person treats her, she then she wonders WHY PEOPLE DISLIKE HER.

so back to the topic when my heart finds a connection with girls who happen to go thru something that i can understand, i felt that i need to grow in a certain way that plays with the mind.

it doesn't mean growing to be a wiser person, but in a way it means growing up in a way that u understand how most human beings work and use it to make your life easier, to get things done, to make people react the way you want them to.

Wiser means experience built up from scratch. i got to admit, i cant have that without first opening my eyes.

Truth to be told, my eyes went WAYYYYYY OPEN after i met my second ex and it opened even more after some screwed up things happens recently.

I finally get to understand that i am somehow living in a world of my own fantasy whereby people dont backstab each other, love and cherish each other and will forever be loyal.

I just wonder why god doesnt create the world i have in mind where everybody is at peace and love blossoms. why do god create people with FUCKED UP MINDSETS which hurts people and they are still fucked up even though they are no longer young.

so all in all, to those people whom know deep down that they have done some sinful actions or they are just fucked up because they choose to be, please allow me to stab your heart with needles and put salt in your wounds, and please do look at my puppy eyes telling you how SORRY i am and oh please do accept those needles and salt because you are suppose to be strong , independent and just because society doesn't really condemn such actions.

You people in this world thinks that whatever things that they do that hurts people so much are alright just because they have this "i can't please everybody" mindsets but bitches about it when it happens on you. Will you think that it's ok when you are the receiving end, think of all the things that can be stolen from you .JUST LET THIS SINK IN FOR A MOMENT

JNZL

Trust in the words you hear or trust in the ones you believe

A drama moved my heart and made me think once again.

Reflect on yourself.
or... let me ask u this question

If your friend told you that your close one took your phone when actually she didnt but your friend did.
Puts it in your close one bag and makes all evidence pointing at her.

You would believe your friend wont u.
But then, what abt your wrongfully accused close one.
Did you just forgot about how close both of you were together? is that foundation of trust really not established?

search within yourself of how screwed up you actually are. imagine a sceanrio that if this would happen. would you jump at conclusions? really you wont?

This is the sad life of friends, husbands, wife or whatever u consider as close.
There is no such thing as that unless you have complete faith in that person. then again, wont you doubt yourself ?

the world is really a creepy one. just be careful of whose words you chose to believe




JNZL

what we have is not ours to keep

There are some ironies in life which i cant iron it out.

Let's dive into the topic of getting hold of something.

Imagine your whole life, you do not own something you really like. You wont have anything to lose.
But once you got hold of that something, you have everything to lose.

You will be afraid of losing it in the future.
It applies to relationship.

Imagine that in your life till now, you do not accept any offers to be in a relationship.
Hence you do not get to taste the joy of being love and whatever that comes with it.
However, you are constantly on your toes of what belongs to you may not be yours anytime soon.

THE WORST PART? When you finally lost it, you feel weird.
You crave for those happy moments that you had when you were both tgt.

However do not forget that you were once happy too without anyone.
So, imagine you rejected the offer to be together. The only hurtful part is when the other gets taken. But so what?! that is just that part.

You dont feel empty because of what you had experienced.
People always say, OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.
Slowly but surely, you will move on but, you had not tasted the happiness of being tgt with someone. Hence you do not know what is it like to not be with someone.

Its the same as flat feett people. you cant ask them what do you think it feels to not have flat feet because they cant experience it and, they have lived with it their whole life~

Hence they dont understand when, you tell them that flat feet people when they run, they feel more pain than those who are not.

It the same for those who were single till now. They have not experienced what does it feel, to not be happy being just single.

SO, THE QUESTION IS...
are they truly deprived? must you live thru heartaches and tears filled face, in order to say that you have lived your life?

Think about how happy these singles are without needing to yearn for the company of someone just because they miss it. they are self satisfied.

So, isnt it better to just be single from the start?

JNZL