is it me

temptations are really every where.
they are soo tempting that i cant help but fall into it once again.

but then again why am i so afraid?
maybe its because i am scared tht i am over spontaneous?

we all tell lies, one way or another.
for the good of others or just to protect oneself.

in conclusion we tell lies that makes us feel better off.
but i am so scared to expose these lies
because to expose these lies i would have to tell other lies so that ppl wont know that i am telling a lie.

WOW~

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now, its all back to school and scoring high grades so that in reality, i get a chance to start to work hard to earn big bucks.

and again my tuitions will start really soon and there goes my age 20.
hectic life.

OMG. in a few days time i am going to be 20.
and in a few yrs time, i will be out working
in a another few days time i would be stating down my resolutions.

and there goes another year.
will i have regrets , of course. will i look back and said it could have been better? of course.
with time comes wisdom.

IT REALLY TRUE WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOU GET WISER AND YEARS GOES BY.
especially when big things happen to you.

i would like to highlight the things in my life that i hav learnt.
ok i shall do the rest other times.

but this one.
F-R-I-E-N-D-S

friends are truly seasonal.
they come as they wish, and leave as they wish.
i bet some of you that are reading this know that you are one of these people too.

its all abt the company.
once you feel accepted by your peers in a group, and once u feel that you have the power to influence, you will tend to stay longer.

evidence such as you always get called up for shopping trips, group studies or even lunch.
you will feel that you are being needed or wanted.
once you feel that, you will start to grow on them.

but what if one fine day these ppl that u lean on suddenly stop texting you, stop inviting you.
well you will just have 2 options
option 1: find another clique
option2 : be a loner.

normally people will choose option 1. but i tried so hard and i think almost nearing option2.

you see, ppl whom i talked to quite a bit cant even see me eye to eye anymore.
it is totally like HUH?!

when i smile, they just turned away like i was some disease.
its so awakard that i shld have a handbook tht teaches me how to avoid these situations.

well if you are naturally pretty seriously dun even worry.

even once my close friend D, become so far apart.
maybe due to timetable changes, we became vvv far apart.

just not long ago when i had a class, tht we were in tgt, she did not even sit by my side and nv even talked to me. well she found another close friend i guess. its very heart wrenching for me and i cant help feeling helpless.

am i complaining?
no.

i tried so hard. sms, talk, but it was of no use.
we cant be what we used to be.

maybe my wish for every year would be dumb ass being able to come back as a group to talk and chit chat as how close friends should be.

no matter how far apart we are now, there will always be a time where we can gather ard.
never feeling awkward towards each other.

thts my wish.
is that your wish too?


JNZL

abandoned

ABANDONED ONCE MORE.

before i head out to watch youtube to make me happier, i shall pour all my sorrows here once and for all and heck to care who sees it cause i am feeling so bad right now i think i will just say it and let it go and try again once more and not just sit down there and die~

you know, i tried really hard to be nice, to be funny and talk like one of them and to mingle...
but no matter how hard i tried to mingle, there is always a GAP or WALL which stops me from mingling.

you know , friends are seasonal. they be with you when they feel sticky or when they feel u rock.
-.-

an example would be Y sticking with D all the time .
but when it comes to project work, HOW COME Y IS NOT WITH D?
hmmm... who knows right.

you know overnight, i suddenly became their "invisible friend"
so they nv invite me to study together, nv ask to hang out together.
well, we arnt tht close so closing one eye for the hang out part.

but STUDY! hey come on...
they called soooooo many people and guess how i found out.
i met them in the sch library and boom! i saw all of them gather and i dun think they seem rather pleased to see me in there.

i was like cant they kindly invite me ? we are classmates after all right.
did i really really did something which made it feel unpleasant?

i overheard L saying " trust me working with her is going to be unpleasant" (ok i dun noe if this line was for me but i think they wld hav felt it some way or another)

it hurt my feelings soo bad i think i cld have cried.
or rather i cried. but it was hours later.

so am i really unpleasant?
am i really so dam hard to click?

oh ya, they do communicate to me when they sense something urgent that they do not know.
-.-

today grouping was ...

well initially i knew i was no hope in hoping they could accept me in their group, its not like i am not hardworking or leeching off ppl.

so there were 5 of us.
suddenly there was a grp of 4.

i knew i was going to be kicked out.
like as if tht wasnt bad enough, C came along and they started chit chatting and i think they wanted C to be in .

THEN i heard :" then joey how" .
wa holy mongolian. i straight away know in their heart they were thinking like: "ARGH why is joey here, how to tell her? cant she automatic leave?" i swear that broke my heart

and i was like looking EVERYWHERE for a group and maybe god was merciful, someone didnt had a group, so i paired with the new girl and another girl with another boy.

i really wished D would be my friend back, because one classmate asked if we were still friends.
holy molly.

feel so weak being alone once more. oh dont say i nv try ok.

I WAS THE ONE WHO INITIATED ALL THE SMSES.
I DID MY PART or more.

so my only true friends are probably bowling and dumbass.

maybe i should slim down and look super pretty and be super popular so all these wont happen.
ya, like as though becoming that wont hav any probs.


JNZL