since young i always find men who wear expensive tailored suits looks so AMAZINGLY STUNNINGLY HANDSOME.
especially suits this kind which i love so much! v SHAPE outer coat. black/white.
and frm young i always believe an expensive formal evening gown which is meant to suit the person, or tailor made makes woman look EXTRA PRETTY.
like stunning.
I ALSO WANT TO OWN , TO HAVE SUCH LUXURIOUS EVENING GOWN.
its so handsome for the guy to just buy the gown he thinks looks best on his woman and when she wears it out for him she is like a shinning bright star.
when playing with something so precious to humans and realising how horrible you actually are when all tht party wants is for you to be happy. when all that party really went all out just for you when that party is just an innocent human being manipulated by your greeds.
guilt will pour in.
so is it worth it just to fill that void? is it fair? but dad told me nth is fair.
when tht party cares you whole-heartedly, and you just step on it or take advantage of it?
so does being a manipulator makes u happy now? do u feel powerful when u are able to control one's emotions and manipulate it because its fun and dont give a dam about what hurt it might cause the other party?
are u still the same person as you are a few months ago?
when u look into the mirror, dont you feel disgraceful?
help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help.
HELP!!!!
in this beautiful world there always lives a devil in everyone's heart fighting with the angel.
humans are weak due to their humanity. but i am no longer weak. if there is a will there is a way.
but read this post knowing that because i am only human that's why i have my unspoken flaws.i was weak.
i am sorry the devil took over me for these periods of time where there was just no one for me to ask help from.
but i am different now. i think i grew up after all the experiences.
i think i became a better person now. i shall tie all lose ends in my life and live life in a respectable manner.
no more partying for me.
no more flings. no more etc etc etc etc.
i dun deserve to live life like this.
i shall imagine this friend of mine to be always there for me.
not asking things , listen to my difficulties
always standing by my side no matter what. believing in me always because deep down you know i am still growing to be a better person. still growing up to be adult.
and deep down u wld know that i am still can be a good girl and make u proud of me.
its only been 2 mths.
ppl take yrs to get over it.
cut me some slack? embrace me and telling me :" its ok, because no matter what you did, no matter how messed up u are, i am always here for you, for u to lean on when u can no longer stand on your both feets. when u need support and when u feel helpless. "
i am so sorry if i disappoint you.
i am only human.
i am not ready to face you when i am in this state. i am not ready to react to ur response. i am not ready.
when the day comes i will tell u everything.
but till then just keep beliveing in me wont you.
JNZL
You never taught me how to get over you.
I'm trying to figure out how, but it isn't easy.
I try to fool myself into believing that I'm in love with someone new.
I know it's a lie, but it's the only way to get you out of my mind.
I know I should let you go, but my heart still longs for you.
I know I shouldn't be thinking about you,
But I keep hoping that maybe you'll come back to me,
That maybe you'll hold me in your arms again.
Please forgive me. This is who I am.
I fool myself into believing that I'm happy.
I try hard to wipe the sadness out of my face.
I've tried to forget you, I've tried to hate you, but I'm just not good at it.
No matter how much I cry, I still miss you.
I just can't seem to forget you. I even hold on to you in my dreams.
do u know why have i been so crazy till today? how do i tell u?
i cant.
i have been thinking. so am i this easy, this promiscuous behavior in my blood?
no. really the answer is no.
am i seeking trouble on purpose. well maybe yes.
i cant get the ppl i want to get. so i have been crazy.
i feel so tired of crying, chasing after ppl who are finally wont be mine. do u know how horrible it feels?
but then suddenly seeing ppl doing the same to me?
i was amused. like seriously?
but none i fancy.
so i tried to be friendly to them.what the hell was i thinking.
yest was really a big wake up call. telling me i shldnt live life like this anymore.
i shldnt use u as an excuse to be like this.
i shldnt use u as a reason...
can u believe tht when all of these nonsense happened , i was thinking of u the whole time.
i was like thinking and grinning?
i was like : xxx can u see whats happening to me now. can u please save me now? can u please tell me that i shld stop ? can u come hold on to me ?
can u hold onto me right now. can u hug me tight right now. can u hug me tight right now and cry to me that i shldnt be abusing myself like that. i am sorry i cant find the heart to tell u the whole details. i just cant so thts why i am crying inside now. all i want is for u to hold me back. its not tht hard.
I am meeting new male ppl for the sake of u and one other.
always telling me to move on. blablablablablablabalbala
FINE I AM TRYING TO KNOW NEW PPL. but what to do i am always meeting these ppl?
u know what?
i dunno if u would love me /like me the way u do now if the whole raw truth came out.
probably wont.
i am very screwed and messed up right now. help me.
SCREW the pic.
what?
what the heck was i thinking telling you my thoughts and getting a backlash. tsk!*breathes out hard on nostrils and mouth*
sure sure.. JUST KEEP SAYING ME K.
tsk. complaining.
i was just trying to speak whatever i was feeling. thts all. and it came out wrong maybe?
complaining. tsk. what the heck was i thinking.
yeah yeah. sure thing. sure sure, i waited on my own accord. sure thing, why the heck shld i do tht? cause i'm stupid k, i am just dumb, just wanted to talk so thts why i didnt want to miss ur call.
sure .... shld have totally slept at 840pm. JOEY NG ZI LIN. U DESERVE TO BE SCOLDED U IDIOT.
see now ppl ask u to dun complain if u want to suffer . ORH BI GOOD. kiss my ass. oh wait i cant. i am not flexi enough.
sure man joey. sure sure. why find trouble right. all your fault of getting ur hopes up. U ZI ZHAO PLEASE.
so please stop acting so weak u moron stupid dumb blonde loser piece of shit full of shit full of nonsense and yeah u are pathetic joey, why ? because u came to blog it out u dumb shit.
u are not even capable of letting it go right.
now now dun even dare to cry. if u do. OOPS just drop a tear. blah blah blah.
STOP BEING WEAK STOP BEING NEEDY .
BE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN U bitch.afterall, u came into this world alone.
WHY THE heck am i making a big fuss over something so small .
geez. i really can't take hurtful comments. LOSER.
ur dad say u , doubt u and blabla then u run to toilet to cry. freaking weakling.
well at least i tried to hide it.
now some person say u a bit nia then u like tht . HO SEI LA.
wake up ur idea.
when i heard the song, i heart quiver.
sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
this song is dedicated to you.
this song is so sad, i get sweaty palms.
so even though i am uninvited, cld ur heart save some space for me?hmm?
because even antiques which was once abandoned cld be treasured for so much. what about me.
everything i thought abt till 445am is all in this song i guess.
i realise, loving someone isnt all about keeping that person by my side.
as long as you are happy, as long as you are in love , as long as you continue living, as long as youuuuu, as long as u continue living happily.
i will always always always i promise be by your side to make you laugh, to make u smile.
to be selfless is also part of me.
*rubs away my dripping tears*
i wish i cld claw myself.
because its okay mac, i am gonna be okay.
dun need to decide so hard now, its always a 2 way street not a 3-way street.
but why the fuck am i crying so hard.
why did i ever let my emotions get the better of it.
i was so happy when i heard the song, but it was always with a bitter end.
it was nv in my intention to hurt u or to say anything wrong.
i am so sorry this phone call had to end on such a horrible note. i am so sorry that i have to tell you how i always felt. i know this isnt what you want to hear from me. i know all u want to hear is just me saying that i am alright, i am happy, i will be alright , i will be fine that i am perfectly fine without you.
maybe you could teach me, how to lie to oneself how to deceive oneself. for all i know you may even not want to talk to me ever again, you may not even bother to text me anymore. just like the rest. the thing is i really don't know.
i don't know i don't know . no matter how i look at this situation i really think i screwed it up.
i know its silly. but i think i am in love with the person over the phone. and i am not sorry because how could i be sorry when these are my true feelings.
i really hope that my one mistake will not end whatever we had. because if you really leave me because of that, then maybe u are just like the rest after all. i still stand my stand that you really are different from all the others.
JNZL
i just want to be your little girl holding on to ur fingers and crying out for u to embrace me . so tht i know i am safe.
i just want you to be mine forever. no sharing allowed.
tht lingering thought tht i must share you just makes me jumpy all over.
i know i am selfish. but wld u want to share me too?
maybe thts why the little girl is pointing her middle finger. to warn ppl .lol
in any case, let this puzzle be the answer .
how could this heart of mine not break when we are almost what i have always wanted. every reminder of such makes me weak because it is just like treated like an option an alt. how is it tht i cld give u my all yet all i got was a quarter. every reminder in every conversation rings in my head. its like reminding me tht i shldnt even be there. but yet how is it tht my heart disagree so much. picture this. you are ready to take on a girl other than me , so what does tht makes me? ikr , a fool. i opened up myself to all these so is reality going to laugh at me and say" oh look at her. there she goes again"
then i look at myself " yup. just let me jump , because i believe tht u are different, even if in the near future, u may prove to me u are the same as the rest, but at least now to me, u are different"
lastly, just be my murder, just take away my heart and dun ever return it because after you, i will love no more.
if u play, u play for kill, take the gun and count to 3.
i am sweating now, moving slow no time to think my turn to go.
and u cant see my heart beating you cant see it thru my chest
said i m terrified but i am not leaving.
so i must pass this test, so just pull the trigger.
dear upper being,
are u playing this game with me?
my feelings and thoughts are just a mess of jumble.
i have been wondering, why u cld move on so fast, it felt like one moment u are with me next we separate and next u r telling me abt ur findings of girls.
u are so hardworking. its good.
i am also trying to find my own happiness.
so far its failing, firstly it was rejection, then next was acceptance but it was wrong , following was a jerk just like ur c.c. and finally i found someone who cld make me laugh till my cheek cramp and stomach ache and make me smile when i txt.
but u know what, i know he isnt mine to keep. not tht i can help it of course.
i am (as usual) the person with no power to decide any thing.
strange as it seems, we are moving so fast. i have nv seen a couple moving on so god dam fast.
so much so i was thinking, are they all ur shadows?
when i was clubbing, whatever he did to me, my mind was flooded with flashbacks of u. my friend said i was fail.
but worry not k, i will move on super soon. i just need more help than u did. i finally found my help line but oh man, he seems super tied down after 9 more days.
ok fine the starting was wrong, but it doesnt matter right since my brain and heart tells me so. i nv felt so clicked before.so therefore i am scared.actually i am super scared.
CAN SOMEONE JUST HUG ME AND LET ME CRY AND WHISPER TO ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. tht everything will work out just fine. that i could write my name all over what i mentally think its mine. that no one will take my happiness away.that my heart can stop hurting and start to feel loved.
actually, i am just a small girl with super complex thoughts and feelings and all i want for now is u. but i know all u can give me for now is everything but u.
because i have been california wishing for your heart to be on me, my california king.
this holiday, cld anyone take a walk with me to rock 19? maybe do some reflecting? could anyone take me on a date?could god make me stronger if my path of life is so tough.
this post is so complex and jumble wobble plopply plap.=/
