Belated bday post

I am lying on my tummy typing this post right now, listening to some shooting atas feel music which Is so nice I wondered why do I always listen to cliche songs.
Alvin introduced to me to this app named 8tracks. Apparently it's popular in the UK where he studies as. Medicine student . :)

So my 21st ended and it was a nice 21st, although on the midnight of my birthday, I was standing in the drizzling rain waiting for someone who I thought would never showed up till 1am plus . It's amazing how one can push their limits to no end. Like really, somehow I feel like I m stretching like a dam elastic rubber band. The gifts I received although not many but it was nice to have gifts. Yay

Although I expected one significant present from my parents like a traditional necklace, it's ok it never came because I knew very well the mistakes I foolishly made to make myself unable to receive such things. Still so sad that I can't even buy it on my own because I still owe ppl $$$$.
The batam trip which was intended to be my bday trip started AWFUL. Thank heavens it ended well.

Sometimes I thought to myself if I am really expecting too much from others. But u know, I also unexpectedly do.
Oh man, 3 of my close friends have Prada wallets! I also want lol. -.- ok it's not a necessity. Maybe I shall buy it only when I have the money to earn it myself. I really hope I can work soon! So that I can enjoy luxury for myself. My on smartphone to start with ....

Ah well. Shall leave such thoughts till new year resolutions.

In my love life, I feel I am being lied to. But when confronted, the assumed truth was being denied totally. Promising and all... Deep down, of course my rosé tinted vision lessened and I do not wish to discuss it further hence I verbally agreed and of course not lying , I really wished and wanted it to be the truth. But hey, too much drama in the tvs and real life advises made me know better. Promises made may just be a way to escape and to falsely reassure those that allow them to be reassured. Some ask so why do I still continue? Deep down I needed change but my mental shouts to me he won't. So in conclusion I just want to stick ard longer.

Anyway, happy birthday Joey. When your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme. When u wish on a star, makes no difference who u are.

live for myself

some times i live too much for other people. you know what i mean...
i just felt that if i were to love myself first, then people would love me too

smthing along that line.
so i need to save for myself, spend for myself and just work hard for MY OWN FUTURE.

JNZL

understanding

well, i am now weighing at 68.4kg! yay!!!

somehow, being with together with someone for a prolonged period of time makes you adapt to the person as well. i am fortunate that i am able to do it and technically i became a calmer person and just let the flow of life get the better of me.

well I AM STILL VERY SWEET AND NICE. However, if you were to step into ur own shoes 'sounds weird' and look at it in a way like, how u would react if there was a person who is treating you just like how u have been treating other people! hope that make sense.

i realised being too nice and sweet is something that many ppl may or will find it annoying after some time. its just like ur mom being all too sweet and nice and many people will still find it a nuisance!

however, in my perspective, i always thought that "why are people stepping over my head and not appreciating me for all that i do "

well, i turned it around and asked myself that for all these while, my mom is treating me very nicely, but somehow i did not really like it and treated it as nagging while i prefered ppl who treats me less nicely. HOW WEIRD AM I HUH!

so i used this theory on people that are stepping over me and it worked wonders for me. u see, ppl dont usually appreciate ppl's efforts. well that is well there are so many quotes and pics to remind us to appreciate ppl. SEE IT MAKE SENSE.

its just like a balance, if u do less for the other party, naturally the other party will work harder FOR YOU. and they don't really feel it too! however i never said i was mean in anyway. ALL I DID, was to be cool and calm and just you know, do the minimum or maybe go for the extra mile if needed or if i feel like it. you would realise somehow, those that kept taking will start to give back to you too!


JNZL

I need an outlet

I think I need to pray. But I have no religion no path no nothing. I was thinking of being a catholic. The churches are nice and quite and holy. Christian churches are too lively for me. I wonder which church should I go...

Why is this puzzle taking forever

Is there something about me left that makes you keep coming back to me?

Could you share your piece of heart thoughts? Of what you are frankly thinking about?

Because your words of breaks and your words of love puzzles me.

blind or optimistic

there is a fine line between choosing to be blind or just being optimistic.

today i went through alot and i realise that we may want to end things and live simply, but deep down we still want it and hope it doesnt end. whta irony i know.

but , to make things up, at least my FEMALE INSTINCTS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
some website told me to always trust my instinct instead to doubting it and act on it. WELL I ACTED ON IT ALRIGHT. and i am correct.

exposing someone and well, i felt disappointment but maybe after what melaine said, i have faith in you once again.

i will always hope that everything in the end will always be alright.
oh btw, i prayed to god to help me, or in a way to guide me to the correct path and i prayed that the other person would realise the faults the person made.

to instill guilt because its needed. our conscience will always sort of haunts us.

some things are left to be unseen and unsaid all for the better good.

DEAR GOD I PRAY TO YOU TO LET ME LIVE A BLISSFUL LIFE. IF I NEED NOT KNOW, DO NOT LET ME KNOW NOR LET ME SEE NOR LET ME REALISE ANYTHING. But if the bitterest truth is so essential, i pray that i can accept it and wipe my tears off and i have someone whom i can pour my sorrows to. because the sweetest lies can always cause a world of war inside me.

like the old saying goes:"what eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel"


JNZL

A prayer

What I learnt is that when I can look into no one anymore because they are insufficient , they taught me to look up to you.

I would like to say a heart felt prayer to you.

I pray that for all the sins I commuted, I pray for you to forgive me. For I am just a mortal who is also insufficient.

I pray that you give me the will the determination to study even thought have sinned and when I keep having flashbacks of regret, I pray to you that you would help me , guide me to see the light.

I also pray that no one around me has to go through what I did and I pray for their health and happiness no matter where they are or what they do .

I pray for you to help me face for what may come in the future. I pray that everything will be ok, also that they would not find fault and let it slide and that my parents would accept my mistakes.

Thank you for blessing me with friends that helped me overcome this. Although its not over but what my friend always say that everything happens for a reason, for what I can't see I know that it will always mean something.

Just that god, I am so afraid, I am pretty lost and I am hanging in suspense. Can't I just fast forward to the future?

Regret

I regret doing it. I always regret so many things. Today I think I could cry myself to death.

It's not love.

I don't know why I am so fucking impulsive and I need to move on because my next paper is tmr.

I can't bring myself to overcome this .
Mel said:" it's ok any problem has a solution to it, you are strong that's why the problem was given to you"
Just pray to god and everything will be ok.

I have Learnt

I have learnt to let go what makes me weaker. I have not Learnt to have the courage to end it myself.

So if you can't help me to be a better person, there is no point in making me feel bad and sad. Just do me a favour and end my sufferings for me.

Help me to be a happier person.

If you can't accept my all, then I am not sure if I can do anything more.

To accept someone , even if there is a limit, to accept one for all the flaws u hate or detest. To make yourself understand that this is who the person is. So the mentality should be like, "if the person changes , it's awesome, of the person doesn't change, it's ok because I have accepted the person for who the person is"

I always know That I am insufficient and I myself feel helpless too! People just don't know how helpless I really feel.

People always think that i don't want to change. But it's so hard. I wasn't given any encouragement . All I got was mere criticism and criticism can only get me that far.

Like if u keep telling me even though I tell u to stop, it's just make me feel that you don't really have the best interest for me.

Guide me, do not just know how to critise, guiding means showing the person the way it should be done and why. But if you just critise and not guide, how much help are you actually helping me?

These are my unspoken words which I can't communicate it to u. It makes me feel helpless because you don't understand.

People also always say that if you yourself are insufficient shouldn't u also not just critise people but help people ? Becase you yourself know how insufficient you are hence you also know how it feels like to be critised again and again and feel helpless. So how would you want people to help you? This is also the way that you should approach people.

He kept saying I am like a child like 5-10 years old, or that even a child would think better than me. It's so hurting and I always try to change. I need gentle reminders. I do not need scoldings.

But then again maybe some actions are meant to be. If everyone understood what they should do, the world would be perfect and the world is not . It would never be.

So I learnt from people,
They taught me that I need to self psycho myself by saying:"I am bigger than tht."
To nearly every bad thing.
I am bigger than people who hates on me. I am bigger than people who fails to understand Me. I am bigger than people who puts me down in life. I am bigger than that.

For people who fail to love me as a person as I am, I am bigger than that because I know I should accept how people think of me.

I should let go of the things I can't change and hang on to the things that I myself can change.

Because by doing this I can make myself feel better. I need to feel better because I only have one life to live and if I live in tears and sadness it would be just wasting my life.

I know what it means that in life , u need sufferings to enjoy the good things in life. But if I can personally choose to have more joy, isn't it stupid of me to choose pain?

But humans are so stupid. The truly wise ones may not exist. I am pretty sure lee bai is a sad person. But what else can I say?

In conclusion, I can say that if I finally think I deserve better then that's the time I would get what I deserve. LIKE LITERALLY.

My unsend sms

It's really so hard to talk to you because u simply do not understand my heart. When I am crying on the other side of the phone u simply just could not detect it and just said bye. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate for not being able to tell you what made me upset and I had to lie to u. I am just upset abt u but I can't tell u because I am simply afraid that you would be pissed off. I feel so stuffed up inside and deep down I need your loving care and concern and many long hugs. But again, I am afraid that I am appearing to be too needy and this will make u think that u have power over me. These are my contradictions in my life and this is the real and raw me. These are my true thoughts that I can't tell you because I am afraid. I don't understand why is it so hard to press this send button but afterall I know I am going to just delete this and post it on my blog and u will never know how I really felt. U know, girls sometimes are fragile with small issues which they themselves make it to a big issue.

gifts

gifts are actually important right?

like everyone feels happy when they receive one on a special day or even for a normal occasion. but what if u are the only one that is giving and not the other party?

am i obliged to feel upset about it? i think i do have the rights to feel pretty upset about it. but the thing is, if forcing someone to buy a gift for you is also wrong and it loses the whole dam meaning of it.

buying a gift is to show that u made an effort to think what the other party likes and also that to show you want the person to be happy.

so does it also means that if the other party does not buy anything for you or does not make anything for you means the other party does not love or care for you? some may argue that gifts arn't everything.

i am going to google about it since google is practically my own bible.
like should i be upset when the other party worries about what to get for other people but does not buy anything for you? of course on special occasions la. but it hurts to not receive anything because you expect right.

but why is it that people never learn to not expect anything from others but must expect alot from oneself?
it hurts right? is expecting gifts to be materialistic? but how do i phrase it in a nicer form?

maybe i should consult sx since he is always the one that tells me what is the norm and i shld accept it. because come on what do u expect right?

if he says its the norm then i shall accept it and actually be less sad about it since in general people are like that. so those extra nice people would be easily identified.

btw, i am still pretty upset. ='(
JNZL

just something zodiac

【處女座】

處女座之所以活得累，是因為她們輸不起，無論面對的是學業、愛情、朋友、家人之間，處女都力求完美，所以處女只有硬撐下去，再苦再累都自己扛著。其實處女真的很脆弱，一丁點兒事情都能感慨萬千痛心疾首，處女的脆弱著實讓人心疼，但處女的脆弱又隱藏得之深以至於無人懂得心疼...。

其實很乖，懂得放肆之後適可而止。並不愚笨，有些事也可以做的很漂亮。怯懦不是錯，只是外界太強勢。別每天把討厭自己掛在嘴邊，要知道自己是獨一無二的自己。喜歡了愛了，就不許後悔，別責怪自己的愚昧，只是太想被愛而已。你不壞。你不賴。你不差。你很棒。

自信起來全世界都屬於自己，自卑起來自己是世界的棄兒；衝動起來沒大腦，理智起來像冷血動物；愛得狂熱起來連呼吸都忘了，冷淡起來對方的存在都可忽略不計；粗心起來鞋子可以穿反，細心起來可以把別人感動到哭；堅強起來走在刀尖上都不會哭，軟弱起來連個決定都要問別人。

處女座最不會耍心機、最講義氣、對待感情最認真專一。
處女座最要面子特別是尊嚴、最顧家、脾氣不好但心地好。
處女座喜歡逞強、害怕孤獨。
處女座的優點不是外貌而是氣質。
處女座很真很真。

處女座最討厭的人就是在他面前自以為是、以為魅力無窮的人，對於這種人、下場只有遭到處女座的冷言諷刺，處女座們諷刺人的技術很高的、如果他不加以控制、就算是男人也會被他說到無地自容，處女座的女生可能永遠也不會知道自己想要什麼，但是她一直很清楚、她不想要的是什麼。

處女座外表溫和、偶爾孩子氣、內心有狂野的一面，喜歡旅遊但也戀家、不算太宅，容易陷入自己的世界不能自拔、對自己在意的東西有著高度的細膩敏感、對於不入眼的東西有著高度的冷漠絕情，自我保護欲強。

與處女座鬧小彆扭時，希望對方一定要先站出來，處女座的女生很倔，即使很喜歡你，很想再聽你聲音，她也會忍著不打電話給你，這時候她是非常難受的，她一直在期待手機螢幕裡出現你的名字，能看到你打來的電話，傳來的訊息。處女座的另一半的，請包容處女座。你們懂的，她其實很在意你！

或許多數人覺得處女座無主見、搖擺不定，其實他心中早有定論、只不過習慣性的容讓別人、遷就別人。處女座真不是有大原則性的星座、但很有強烈的底線不容易超越，他不說不代表他沒要求、不要拿處女座的寬容當作你任性妄為的資本，一旦過了他的底線、就別怪他對你冷漠了。

處女座不容易喜歡上一個人。有人說處女座對伴侶的要求太高，其實並非這樣，處女座注重的是感覺。只是那麼輕描淡寫的一眼，那個人已經吸引了處女座的所有注意力，從此目光便無法轉移。用一秒鐘愛上一個人，然後再付出一生去忘記，處女座就是這樣的愛情試驗品。

逃避是處女座的習慣，他們對自己渴望的東西總是先退到一邊，似乎毫不關心然後突然撲上去。他們沒有很強的適應能力，卻有天生的領悟力。他們以自我為中心，懂得自我保護，他們害怕孤獨，但又註定了孤獨。他們有很多秘密，他們把真實的自己藏於夜半的寂靜和午間笑聲的明朗中。

處女座的人需要慢慢相處，因為處女座是個被動的星座、慢熱的星座、放不開的星座。認識的時間越久對你越好，如果你喜歡處女座的人、他卻不喜歡你，頻頻接觸的結果只會讓他對你越來越冷淡。處女座喜歡和喜歡的人鬥鬥嘴、卻不會大聲吵架，你想吵，可以、處女座只會轉身走人。處女座很慢熱、很冷漠、很直接討厭轉彎，不喜歡說話、也不喜歡太吵的環境。喜歡自由的感覺、討厭囉嗦、心智很成熟，看事情很透徹很絕、需要以行動來證明對他的在乎 。

處女座其實很自卑、也很驕傲，請你用心去打開他的心、而不是去聽他的口是心非。他知道愛情總是會彼此傷害，知道愛情沒有誰對誰錯，知道愛情不能比較多少！請記住、不要對他用冷漠宣戰、不要只用冷漠對他，他的內心永遠只是個孩子、他也需要小溫暖、小快樂。

有些事，處女座總是弄不懂；
有些人，處女座總是猜不透；
有些道，處女座總是悟不盡；
有些理，處女座總是想不通；
有些坎，處女座總是跨不過；
有些傷，處女座總是治不好；
有些天，處女座總是睡不著；
有些地，處女座總是去不了；
有些情，處女座總是說不出；
有些愛，處女座總是得不到。

吹毛求疵杞人憂天窮緊張，卻也追求完美的處女座。



【射手座】

射手最讓人愛的地方和最讓人擔心的地方就是天真！雖然具有哲思，可太過善良和輕易相信別人的性格很容易被人宰割！射手認為，世界就是自己看到的那樣。黑就是黑，白就是白。想法太直接！射手是傻人有傻福，無知者無畏，大步的前行，福很容易到，禍也很容易到。射手其實是需要有人在身邊的。

射手座遇見自己真正喜歡的人，其實是相當沈默和安靜的。他們天生不安分的靈魂，害怕為了某個人而停留，害怕為了所謂愛情失去至為寶貴的自由，所以他們在與喜歡的人愉悅交往時，會突然消失的無影無蹤。他們往往利用這個時間，靜靜的思考，也是在考察自己對象的反應。

她的外表多半很正統，文靜。但她的內心沒有安全感，也不會輕易吐露心事，如果你愛上她，你得用心體貼她。當她遇見了那個給她信心和安全感的男人之後，她會變成一隻溫柔又嫵媚的極品女人。 她既不嘮叨，也不情緒化。當然，她的小固執是你很清楚的，但是，千萬別試圖改變她認定的想法喲。

射手可以在前半分鐘對你好得讓你受寵若驚，也可以在後半鐘冷漠得讓你不可接受。當你看到射手在瘋狂地快樂或悲傷時，千萬不要迷惑，不管射手看起來是多麼的瘋狂，射手內心其實是冷靜的，射手比你們任何一個旁觀者更知道如何處理快樂與悲傷。

射手座愛上網、喜歡隱身；夜晚怕黑、卻習慣晚睡。習慣了懷疑、卻總把人往好處想；很念舊、喜歡簡單的生活。經常發呆、莫名孤單、會突然不知所措。喜歡呆在角落或靠近窗戶；隱藏心事、常常一個人流淚。

喜歡也習慣被快樂包圍的射手，是不容易什麼傷心出現在自己的世界的！就算偶爾出現，也會被他們大吸口氣吹得無影無蹤，才不會被難受的氣氛黏住。直來直往，是很少有安靜的時候，可要是他們想要行動的目標被硬逼著不得不放棄，平時什麼事也沒有一樣的射手，也會很難過的，難過的不想說話，沉默不是不再開心了，只是也要發洩一下，這個行動早晚都是要完成的，你們就看著吧！射手的情緒總是來匆匆去匆匆、不管是開心還是傷心。

要他們憋著不說簡直是酷刑、肯定堅持不了多久，至於壞心情、一旦不如意、他們就特別激動，正如來得快去得也快、射手的壞心情只會停留在爆發的當時、只要發洩了之後就能恢復陽光燦爛了。

射手是個需要人保護的孩子、任性、愛花錢、怕黑、怕寂寞有精神潔癖、外表是漂亮的女生、內在其實很爺們。
單純、簡單、不喜歡複雜，習慣性對別人好、從來不知道自私是什麼，大人和老人緣都很好。

射手座朋友很多、大大剌剌的，喜歡我行我素、有極強個性，不會拒絕別人、有人求助必然有求必應，不喜歡一天到晚生氣的人、不斤斤計較、不耍心眼。
很懶、沒事幾乎不出門、愛發呆，擅長裝傻、其實心裡都明白只是不願意說出來，與老友只想念不聯繫、很情緒化、雙重人格，有自己的一套原則、我行我素，有時很糊塗、反應慢半拍，特別敏感、脆弱。

射手
很開朗，不開心的時候就會隱藏自己、只是想讓自己顯得更獨立更堅強。
很敏感、看似什麼都不計較、不細心，其實是在包容對方、所以會假裝什麼都不知道。
很現實、很正義、最討厭軟弱拖拉的人，更討厭自以為是的人。
不擅長表達自己的情感、所以常常用沉默取代表達。

個性開朗樂觀、認為明天比昨天好、今天一定更有趣，思想路線是直的、常常易得罪別人而不知，不太會說謊、非常愛笑、且笑聲很大，冒險性強、領悟力強、又幽默、好動，太好自由、不易有固定的工作或男友。

愛上一個人很容易陷入痴迷，重視友情多過愛情，不輕易吐露自己的心事。不堅強可是很善良，他愛上了一個人會把自己放最後。會因為吵架不開心、卻也是最快認錯的，在你難過是哄你開心、分手後他會哭著回憶屬於之前的幸福也不會勉強愛人因為同情而在一起。

射手比誰都希望自己愛的人快樂幸福、卻常常忽略了自己！
即使全身是傷也會笑著告訴你：我很好、不用擔心！

射手只是習慣喜歡將一切都變得瘋狂，也是個沒骨氣的落跑大王。


【摩羯座】

摩羯座的他們是一個很難理解的星座，因為他們的性格太多元化。他可以幽默，可以冷漠，可以柔弱，可以堅強，可以成熟，可以天真，可以精明，可以傻氣，說話往往口是心非，你們永遠猜不透他們在想什麼。不要說他們是在裝，其實，這才是真正的摩羯，一個千變萬化的他。

不要對摩羯座撒謊，其實他心裡很清楚，只是不說；他們習慣了默默承受一切，就算生氣了也會為對方找各種理由；原諒對於摩羯座來說並不難，因為他們只會讓自己受傷，而不會去傷害別人。所以不要欺負摩羯座，對他們而言，最好的報復不是沈默而是離開。他們的放棄，通常都在一念之間。

摩羯座的人本能的排斥虛偽和做作的人。摩羯座的人不會真的發火，就算生氣，也很快忘記！摩羯座的人只對真正懂自己的人，展示他的創造性，他的情緒變得冷淡就證明他開始對你重新審視， 當他越是沈默，就代表他越是生氣。

摩羯座的字典裡永遠沒有「利用」兩個字，他們不懂得什麼叫阿諛奉承，什麼叫陽奉陰違；摩羯座脾氣急，易衝動，很真很瀟灑；摩羯座喜怒哀樂都表現在臉上，不懂得什麼是偽裝；摩羯座膽大，喜歡挑戰不能完成的事。

摩羯的反擊力很強，吵架的時候、他可能會說一些很傷人的話，其實、他不是故意的，那是摩羯的直覺反應、吵架就是要贏嘛！摩羯可能一說出口就後悔了，可是經常很難拉下臉來道歉，不要跟他慪氣、放他一馬他心裡會很感謝、對你加倍的好。

摩羯座的人：
最不能接受朋友的不信任、出賣、背叛。
現在的生活很迷惘、找不到出口、但對未來堅定而充滿希望。
生氣的小事很快就會忘記、不記仇。
別人對自己的好會銘記於心、有恩必報。
不善於表達自己的情感、所以常常用沉默取代表達。
深思謹慎、冷靜而準確的判斷力。
予人沈穩而嚴肅的印象。
有強烈的責任感和企圖心、時時鞭策自己努力實現理想。
但是凡事都太過認真、乃至拘泥。
而顯得過於剛強、冥頑不靈。

摩羯座很溫柔、喜歡熱鬧。
執著、哭點很低、其實膽小卻偽裝勇敢。
不喜歡選擇、不喜歡做決定、害怕傷害、牽掛太多。
明明知道自己要改變卻無力改變。
想要驕傲、想要自信、相信幸福、容易認真。
不記仇、太隨和所以沒有深交。

如果你傷害了摩羯，放心吧、他不會報復、只會對你避而遠之，如果你污衊了摩羯，放心吧、他不會解釋、只會與你從此不相往來，因為摩羯們相信沉默是最大的報復、時間是最好的證明，驕傲的摩羯、內心強大的難以置信。

摩羯座低調，內向憂鬱，常常裝出一副嚴厲的姿態，給人感覺很冷漠，其實內心是火熱的，很善良，不容易拒絕別人，尤其是自己看重的人，受傷了就會想要逃避，多數是吃軟不吃硬！脾氣很大，但是對事不對人！他們凡事都想靠自己完成，不想周圍的人為他操心，他們很重視面子。很少有人真正瞭解摩羯座。

摩羯座不會耍心機；摩羯座講義氣夠朋友；摩羯座對待感情認真專一；摩羯座最要面子，摩羯座最重要的是尊嚴，摩羯座很顧家；摩羯座脾氣不好但心地善良；摩羯座喜歡逞強；摩羯座害怕孤單；摩羯座的優點不是外貌而是氣質；摩羯座很陽光又開朗；摩羯座不兇很好相處。

一個充滿浪漫，夢想的星座、溫柔的星座。
一個堅強且自卑，頑固且軟弱，驕傲且自憐的星座。
一個一直扮演好孩子的角色，卻一直擁有壞孩子的心態的星座。
一個有時乖巧，有時瘋狂，有時堅強，有時脆弱的星座。
有時候不溫柔、脾氣不好、容易生氣、容易吃醋、容易心痛、很任性、生氣時不想說話、開心了會傻笑、受委屈會放在心裡、在乎了就會想讓你知道、喜歡在傷心的時候聽傷心的歌。

天生善良、感情脆弱、很沒有安全感。
喜歡裝傻、外表沉默內心想得比較多。
邏輯性強、有條理且敏銳、討厭背叛和撒謊。
做事不喜歡拖泥帶水 。

摩羯座倔強！但永遠都是刀子嘴豆腐心，也是個無趣到死的木頭人。
JNZL

work done

i feel so empowered with the power of knowledge because i studied and i could do my finance derivative assignment with ease?

i suddenly felt that the reason why i failed was because i cldn't balance my time and the only way was by force.

like i can't REALLY HAVE the best of both worlds but people allowing or actually helping me to help me attain good results for my studies is making me realise that only by excelling will i not regret and have the best of both worlds LATER ON.

it really easier said that done. but i am so glad i am receiving all the support i need and reassuring me about things which i am unsure of. u know, being or feeling secured is not one of my forte and i need LOTS OF REASSURANCE TO KEEP ME FEELING ASSURED.

=) anw, had a happy labour day.
JNZL

we do know

we always know that we can do better than what we are doing now.
the heart of will is so hard to grasp. but for me, it starts like, now.
JNZL

So hard to learn to be selfish when needed to

跟自己说声对不起，因为总是莫名的忧伤；跟自己说声对不起，因为为了别人为难了自己；跟自己说声对不起，因为伪装让自己很累；跟自己说声对不起，因为总是学不会遗忘；跟自己说声对不起，因为很多东西没有好好珍惜；跟自己说声对不起，因为倔强让自己受伤...

escape fate

we always wish that we knew everything or maybe things that we need to know but are still unknown and of course it is better that you do not know.

will we ever escape fate and escape what is in there for us? how much or how long can we actually protect someone from harm and when we all know the ending.

and in the end, we will all have to sit back and be helpless and powerless creatures.
because although we find strength in hope and faith, some times it just doesn't work out this way.
JNZL

independent

today i saw a scene whereby a girl cried and the boy just kept walking, and of course the girl was catching up with the guy and crying at the same time. a surge of familiarity hit me.

the girl looked like a pathetic dog, with no pride. although many wld have argued that pride itself cant bring happiness and bla.

i know that pretty well myself as i have experienced it before. like first hand. its freaking awful to my eyes that i felt like punching the man/boy who let the girl chased him.

after much reflection on today issues and i have come to several agreement with my mental self.

although i shed tears very often, it is definitely because i knew i had someone to rely on. With that, since i have a relying shoulder to fall back upon (OR THAT IS WHAT I USED TO THINK) hence my independent part of me starts to slowly fade away.

its just that girls are very emotional creatures and they feel more, wayyyy more.
girls mind the little errors people make and although they try very hard to make themselves cool with the situation, most likely they arn't cool with it at all.

after today, i learnt to embrace my own weakness. they i shed tears frequently. it may be due to factors such as unable to voice out my own opinions and therefore my body needs an avenue to vent it out. and hence i cry. it maybe due to self disappointment , it may due to disappointment with people i held high standards for, or maybe i just felt that i was being bullied but still gave in because i am just like that.

i create many reasons to assure myself with many situations. which other people tend to label it as protecting the other person or giving excuses to protect my own bubble of happiness.
i  really do have a big heart and i hate myself because i cant get angry for long and i always have to give in to the other party.

i give credits and a pat on my back to myself because i became a better person. even though the person fails to know my improvement but i am sure S would understand if he happens to be there.

i learnt to keep quiet when i am angry or pissed and allow myself to become a man and just think of nothing when looking into space. i no longer ask men what they are thinking when they stare into space for too long. because ultimately, why bother asking. if the person wants time to sort out thoughts, then just let him be. i learnt to live in harmony with silence.

this is a very big improvement i swear to god.
i learn to appreciate silence even though silence after coming out of the theater is fucking weird to me.
i also realised that i should never show 100% of my big heart to people as people always take me for granted.

when i made or create time to spend time with people, people always think why am i always so available. well just L and S. so when it happened again, people dont realise tht i cancelled my other friend's appointments or i could have LOVE TO SLACK ARD WATCHING KOREAN DRAMAS and read kpop news. or surf the dam web.

FOR UR INFO, i stopped watching kpop drama for like 3-4 months. of couse these sacrifices are made because i believed that human connection is more important then internet. BUT THEY DONT SAY THANK YOU.

back to the theory where don't except anything frm people? like if i were to give up my nike race which i paid $30 and agreed with my gf that i am going. if i choose to go with u overseas to support you, i think u shld say thank you.

but i have to embrace my imperfection and i have to love myself for who i am.
i laugh loud. i am sorry but i cant help it. =(

even though many are displeased with it but, i am joey. as hard as i try, i know i am just doing it to please people so that people ard me wld like me more.

i have also come to a conclusion that from this day onwards, i shall be independent even if i have someone to rely on. (WHICH MAY FIND ME A HASSLE) men... fuckers.

i know my gfs are always there for me. but men and women , they are really different. i always turn out for the worse when i associate myself with men. rls are  like my nemesis of smthing.

to be independent means that i shall carry on with my normal routine just like before.
i won't give in and MAKE MYSELF WAKE UP EARLIER just to have lunch tgt and ending up being late and you being mad at me. BTW I FUCKING TOOK TAXI AND RAN OK.

so if i dont feel like meeting you . i would tell u so. if i need to study and you want, not need me, then i shall study. if i have gf or friends to hang out with, i shall do so.

being too available to men makes you easy. hence like what xiaxue said. girls u need to rein yourself in so that they can keep coming back for more.

just like koi, you cant really find koi in the city so the craving is much higher.
same goes for the heart and the mind. absence is needed. being infront of someone too often makes you look cheap and easily available.

therefore, the person WILL TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED and treat you LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE.

i deserve much more. i am honest with my heart and i can't lie to myself. i really wld love the person for life. but i can't show it. i don't want to be that pathetic dog girl who runs to men.

like girls are equally impt.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS: if you do not wish to do it, some other guys will take your place in the end. it may feel like the world ends, but when u pick your broken pieces and stand back up with your own strength, the world is still a good place.

p.s. i was really IRRITATED TODAY so that is what inspired me to type it all out.

JNZL

Big bang g.dragon

Ok here is my confession. Last night I dreamt about the whole big bang grp and I went to sleep Tgt in their Hse! And even though my bias is seungri, but there was so many scenes btw me and g.dragon. All of which are like a peck on the lips and some others.

Then it moved on to me and kook frm running man!! -__- and one other I dunno who the hell. And I was dating the 3 of them at once! Wow~

Went to shopping centre and got lost.
Me and Hanny. Yeah my friend appeared out of nowhere. But the thing is we can't announce big bang is in the shopping centre. And I dunno why the heck I have Kim hyung Jung no is my Hp.

Anyway the people were calling the paparazzi and the securities were thinking of how to make the announcement and somehow, they finally found and it was an epic scene btw me and g.dragon cause we acted like lovers plus we suddenly transported back to sg. And suddenly it was christmas and I got a lovely card frm g.d saying he will M me and stuff.

Decided it was too fantasy I woke up and it was 12:30pm . That was one hell of a dream.

Btw, I am not a big loyal fan of Big bang. So it feels super weird to dream of it and even though I like bb. But my bias is seungri so what's up with the a lot of scenes with g.d

HAHAHAHA anyway, this is my first idol dream.

My immortal

Can I ever be independent when in the presence of the other? The struggling needs to be one and the comfort of being dependent makes my life really hard.

May the lesson of My own past make me learn. To not make the same mistakes I once did.

Then again, everyone repeats history right?

Is it just me?

I am prett sure everyone is mentally unstable in some way. I admit that I am mentally twisted in some way. But it doesn't involve others. It's just me.

It started since young . And there is a name for it too. Mental illness and needs to seek treatment. As long as I don't get out of hand, I can assure myself it's going to be just fine.

It's a talent if u look at it in a positive way.

Just love urself ok.

how much trust can there be when you don't even trust to put your phone alone with me. how much love is there when you can't even understand that I am pissed off too. how much do you really understand if I dressed up to look pretty but all I got was your scoldings. how big is your love if you could utter words like i would die if I depend on you. with everything and all maybe you could keep your love to yourself and keep loving yourself.

swoosh

time passes... but i don't really care.
knock knock, next week wld be start of my new sch terms. which spells happiness and stress.

suddenly i just feel that i miss your presence.
like you have been away from my life for way too long.

its good tht u are earning, but its seems forever.
i just don't want to care about what's happening outside of my social life.
tht includes my family, which i think looks distressing. but. ai ya. i interfere also no use right?

it feels so different.
always on my mind. i think i really can't love the way i used to. its like all half-half.
its like a void that can't be filled. serious.
not that i didn't accept all the alternatives. haha, i am just like you now. what a twist of fate.

now i can understand what you went thru. love is definitely over abused. i guess that was my first and final? guess its sealed for the better.
JNZL

confrontation

when confronted, i told a lie. i lied about everything. the truth is i can't tell you the truth and see you die.
you asked me qns and telling me that it was all a test. i grew up to think that money is god and if i want to earn that, i need to study hard.

and you are here telling me that i singaporeans have no life and study too hard and work too hard that we dont enjoy life enough?

of course you all know my counter rebuttal to it. but the thing is, i have not learnt to enjoy life with not being rich. literally like, who the hell still offers to "support" the girl?

like i am seriously stunned and chua tio when you insist of supporting me? then i will lose my independence and wth? i feel very uncomfortable about it!

unless of course, if i want a car and some branded stuff and you could buy it for me so easily? like i don't know how to put forward the point that, it is not that you are not able to support me but i feel fucking weird to ask people for money. NO?!

LIKE i don't super super care how much the person earns, he may earn up till $15,000 or $5000 a mth or even have so much money in his bank. but, asking for money is like beggar? or like some faggot dunno how to earn own money.

like are you able to provide me for my own salary? like literally, 3-5k? a mth? LOL. of course all these just swirlled in my head and all did, was shake my head in disappointment and let out a sigh. because i learnt not to be too hot headed and in the end, i kept thoughts in my own head because i didn't bothered to say it because i didn't think the person would understand.

and, asking me to live in california after my studies? like.......... woah, you think this is some adventure camp?

probably foreigners really hate Singapore style of life. VERY HECTIC AND NO LIFE. but this is where we are born. we are sooo used to it. that maybe a better life overseas feels weird?

JNZL

be a courageous fool?

we always said fools are always the happiest people on earth because they do not know the reality of life. the harsh but frank reality.

i think, fools may be happy but they are unable to understand and appreciate what life has to offer. fools who choose to blind and deaf themselves can't grow and can't understand the broad wisdom the universe has to offer.

often people like to illusion themselves to prevent them from hurting. but w/o knowing we can't move forward and we won't really know if we are experiencing true happiness.

it is not right and although it is not true that i rather be upset then happy, but if i am happy just by believing the lies i spun , then where is the true happiness which people always said can be felt from the heart.

when i look forward, i can see so many things i am unsure of.
people ard me tell me to be skeptical about many things, because it may be all but a false thing.

i already knew i have to love the person in whole and not to change the person. but by being skeptical about so many things, how can i enjoy the moment.

but if i don't expect, then how can i plan for my future, how can people not expect anything. everything is expectations.

i got to admit my life would be easier if i could let myself appreciate the moment.
like really. JUST LIVE LIFE LIKE AS IF TOMORROW YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.
ITS A JOKE. but wldn't it be great?

if i were to die tmr, wld i care abt the future? no? so what shld i do? live for the future? or just be a courageous soul and live for the moment.

w/o courage, you can't go far in life. w/o planning you cant too.
such irony.


JNZL

Lies of love embraced to survive

Deep down the white lies are just to protect my own pride. When asked, how cld I bear to listen to my own answers when the expectations frm you are heading the opposite ways. I just can't bear to tell you how I really felt.

I just realized after much pondering that the "new one" wld probably be "just another one".

It's because of my new found self that I am so relaxed about it. Even though flaws are fiercely obvious.

Deep down I feel like I am just closing both eyes and just walking blindly. Telling myself to not worry and just continue.

Probably we won't even have a chance to quarrel. The problem lies with what is there to quarrel. Do you understand ? That I just feel "forget it".

A smart person is required. I can't be talking about feelings and needs the whole time right?

There are also limits to how much I can ask you. So what now?

Like, if I ask a person what is the story of Beethoven and Mozart. Wld u be able to tell me?

If I ask about gadgets would u be well informed to answer my questions?

If I ask about the world problems would u be able to answer me?

I am such a curious girl. If you can't satisfy my thirst for knowledge, then how can we last?

When I am in the arms of yours I always felt secure. But in the arms of another, it feels off and because of this hidden void I never wished to show, and because of this void I never want you to know, I always tell myself that

THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN LOVE. Which currently is studies , weight. Isn't it sad that I am no longer giving love a care? How can I ever tell it to anyone.

Words from the heart

Is there anything you don't wish for me to do?

You can do anything. As long as you are happy I am also happy.

When 2 people are in love , we must believe in each other.

Haha

keep things under wraps

There are so many things in my life that i have to keep it under wraps.
until when nature thinks the time is right, people will naturally know.

i always wanted to show off the things i have and not be secretive but i guess this is really not happening to me in this life.

mostly its about emotions and expressing them.
but i gave away my secrets to mel which currently knows everything which is going on. well, i am just a very private person and i just don't feel safe telling others when they are so judgmental.

i need a person who looks 2 sides of everything. people have been telling me such negative comments that even i feel negative. but i hate it.

i always love looking at the positive outlook. so many articles kept saying the bad but hey! some were so positive. everyone looks at beauty differently.

but mel knows deep down its really deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep (ok u get it)
down inside me that stills stand still.

like i am only giving my outer shell and some of my insides.
but again, i can't tell you about it because you will again reprimand me so what the hell for right.

its not wounds but its kind of like deep down i know, its still there refuse to evaporate. wth .
so i can only think and of course, show the world that i am moving on. -___-

i don't think time can make it go away or make it fade but its so horrible for me to be like this. like one sided. so of course keep it deep down inside me.

like people always say why be someone else second when u can be someone else first right?
(tht's crap la)

but the main point is, while waiting for something that is not very possible , i shall... enjoy things that are possible.

anw, weird people are attracted to me i swear. not weird but extreme ppl. who are nice and sweet but...
LOL WHEN I TELL U , THEN U WILL UNDERSTAND.

till then, remember. keep it under wraps. hide hide hide u know?


JNZL