mix

mixy mix mix...
i bought the most exp straits times today.
woah the content was too much to handle man, i can like read it for 3 hrs non stop ..

something which i observe frm my beloved but yet oh-so-far dad.

i dun care what ppl think, but i like hilary clinton , i like obama and i like lee kwan yew.

i realise that i seldom tell ppl what i want to do or what i want to do when i have time.

i want to go to lots of concert of bands tht i love.
and i want to go to AMEI. but no time.

i watched one episode of "tao hua xiao mei" i love it.
haha i love the fantasy of four brother so protective of their little sister..

i feel" oh-so loved"
and the show is oh soooo freaking funny!!
the brothers love their sister to the extend tht they dun want any other guy to snatch her from them.
sad la but sooo nice!!!

HAHA.
for GP i will read the $1 straits times.
hahahaha

no mood to emo when i am laughing my ass off when i am watching this show.
ok, blog another post abt my life another time.

its so nice to see u smile. =)

JNZL

ppl do wonder what other ppl are thinking.
i always try my best to understand you.

i always thought of you everywhere i went, regardless if u knew.
my actions are too simple.
you wont suspect a thing.

a joy in my smile, those times when i always look into your eyes and when u looked back into mine and you would always stay a little while more.

you would accompany a little while more.
i always felt so secure even if u were not there.
i always think tht somehow i am going to make you see tht opening up is never something which is bad.

but things changed .
what i wanted was always a fantasy..
what you told me was always reality..
maybe it time to think on positive side.
maybe there will be a time when you will confide in me.
maybe if you understood what i said, u would understand the look in my eyes everytime u looked into mine.
JNZL

dream

my dream is to go overseas uni
for example London sch of Fine Arts.

i know getting a scholarship is near impossible.
i know many ppl thinks i really cannot make the mark.

sometimes i also think tht i really am far frm the mark of a reputable person.
my spelling is all over the place.

seriously, if i were to be placed on a scale of being respected,
i would be like 3 out of ten.

partly due to the absent minded person i have always been and so many epic moments in my life so much so tht dionne thinks she is participating in them.

anw, i try to dream, i try to hope, but how come the pouring water on to my head session doesnt stop?
how come there is no towel .

why is there no umbrella to shield me frm all these..
sometimes i think big.

if i dun believe in myself, then no one will.
i dun hav a luxury of choice.

it has always been me .
i think if i do succeed, my story would be a really good one.





JNZL

angela song

当我每次看你时，有没发现我的眼神呢?
话说起来真可笑，我写的一切一切，都不知道你是否知道我在讲谁。

如果你某天某日发现这是你，我希望你不要太惊讶。
也不要假装没发现。

its not tht i am blind.
i can barely sense anything.
wait a min, i think there is nth for me to sense.

OOPSS it me again!
if the range is from 1 to ten.
you would have scored 3.


JNZL

最后对你要说的话

我 不懂你在想什么。。
我 以快没有耐性再猜。。
我 和 你 好像有一百公分的距离，不管你有多靠经，这隔墙好像永远都打不倒。

既然你不知
既然我不说

那让我把我这份感情深深地埋在我心里。
别让它在我脑海里乱游。

但我很幸运认识了你。
你让我发现了原来我还可以变坚强。
应为有了你我才发现  世界上有些事不管你用了多少力气去让人明白，但我忘了有些梦想始總是

永 远 不 会 实 现 的。
JNZL

julie and julia

ok firstly, i was first turned off when i saw how the real julia child looked like.
sry , i am dam visual.

ok i will choose to remember the julia child in the movie.
it was so dam nice and it made me want to cook for ppl.

i will buy the dvd of tht brillant movie.
and i want to get tht BOOK julia child..

MASTERING THE ART OF FRENCH COOKING vol 1 and vol 2

KINO sells it at 69 dollars for vol one and 65 for vol 2..
why cant they promote reading by firstly, stop ripping off other ppl head by setting such a sky high price!!

ppl in the us re-sell their bks at like 1 dollar or 20 or 40.
singapore JUST have to sell it at70.

shall hold on to my desire and maybe trying to book-hunt the book else where after my As and start cooking.
with ming en or ger.

however, i picture myself serving those delicious food to other ppl , like shawn, rq, sx(by ger) , sufi, sk , cal , charles and whoever wants to eat it.

HAHAHA.. who knows, i may copy the movie and be like julie where she type a blog of cooking these receipes...
cool right.

anw, even after As, the first thing before cooking is to start buying UTENSILS.
those who came my hse swear tht my hse has the LEAST utensils in the whole singapore.

i hav,
 1 pot
1 kettle
1 mini rice cooker(nv use at all)
1 mini boiler( why is it even in my hse, waste space only)

sry ppl, i only cook maggi , boil egg, condense soup.

my pot is super over use. every shit thing also use pot. -.-
JNZL

mixed of anxiety

today shawn tutored me on normal distribution.

he was scary and set my heart thumping in a scary way.

those eyes of his when he cant believe i dont know, it seems so familiar to rq when he taught me organic chem..

all was under control until he said:

"joey can you please put in more effort"

in a soft but yet sharp tone which i will never forget.

it sound so caring yet i dunno why it felt as though someone just hit the raw nerve .

felt like someone grip my heart.

i couldnt really breathe for the 10 mins he tutored me and voices came back.

they said: u suck joey. still not wetting ur pants yet? still dunno this kinda basic elementary stuff? still want to give yourself excuses by saying u have not studied? are u even ashamed ?

do u even know what is shame?

and it echoed all they way from sch to bus to hm to tv to now...

i think i deserve it.

some will say" told u so"

btw, i love one phrase so much, tht it just cant get out of my head, its from his blog actually.
[we all stumble after-all]

i dun think he reads this anw, cause too busy with work i guess.......

JNZL

i know

I know i am more independent now.

i know i wont be that cry-baby any more.

i know i demand lesser now.

i know because my true feelings are starting to be in the dark now.

i hate it. i want to tell. i want to show. i want to argue. i want to say" what abt me?!"

but it was all kept in slience...

this is bad. for the sake of being independent, this is the price i have to pay?

i went online knowing he and she wont be there.
but ppl said to always have hope right?

i found no one.
not even the usual ger.
ming en was not there too..
who else can i rant to?

JNZL

my hands

 i just hav to blog it out!!!

read ger friend post char.
well, i thought of sooo many stuff....

gosh, how would i ever resist .
the temptation is like soo there, and i am like one dumb girl i think...

ah yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo......
if only my brain could stop secreting anymore hormone for love, i think i would be more than happy.
because when it comes down to this, i suck.....

i sooo anti myself for not being satisfied of what i have!
and to treat other ppl love as dirt.

how fucking awful can i get?
i keep thinking if if if if if if...

but what if it was the other way round.
ah ha! then i would be going.. if only if only if only if only i knew blablablabla....

so why start in the first place?
jia liat..........................


must be ger la!!!! keep saying she miss bear bear.....
so when she says bear i will think of.....?????????? gummy bear. -.-
ger if u know the real ans shhhhhshshhshshshsshhhh...............


ok wtf is wrong with me.
back to stats.

pai sei, wasted ur 4 mins of time .
cause u dunno wth am i typing, and i am glad u dont understand.


JNZL

bouncing

MY secrect to keeping awake with 3 hrs of sleep?

keep bouncing..

no matter what u do...

bounce as u walk, on ur bed, keep bouncing, on ur chair keep doing the action as if u were abt to jump.

surprising my body didnt feel tired at all.

well, maybe a little..

keep bouncing joey...

boing-ing off..

psst: no wonder i am called joey! hahaha

JNZL

bad luck

i wanna SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck man, bad luck doesnt rains , it pours!!!
first is tht stupid flying squirrel,

now, it is my body falling ill, result in me missing sch!!!
and now my GRAPHIC CALCULATOR JUST HAS TO FAIL ON ME when i am having tuition and ending up wasting 2hrs of my time and my teacher's time..

why is all these happening to me now?!
what is life trying to tell me!!!

but i will not bend down to fate!
i freaking sms everyone i could sms to lend me their gc, and lucky for me, mr gan agreed and my senior charlene agreed too..

phew..
i will not submit to fate!

FIGHT ON~!
JNZL

500 days of summer

this movie i watched was a bomb!!!
hard to understand wth happened or why it happend.

but all i want to say in thise post is tht the girl(summer) and the man reminds me of tofu head.
although the girl character reminds me more of him lol.

but however i also see some parts of her character like randomness in me.
feels weird. but oh well......
JNZL

night safari(3rd yr anni)

ok, i know this is really not the best of night to go night safrai but i can assure u tht i totally wanted to go hm until rudi pulled some stunt and there i was in night safrai..

we were out to celebrate some special occasion and watched movie!

sad to say we spent the morning sleeping AGAIN...

he doze off, i doze off...

and there we are like small kids sleeping on the bed looking like we never slept for a thousand yrs.

well, rudi initially pulled another stunt in the morning wanting me to go vivo before his plan was exposed by me .

cause i did not slept well due to the pillow

OH TALKING ABT PILLOW..

let me tell you frm my personal experience,

expensive pillow is inversely proportional to comfort level.

tht dam pillow cost like $50 after some discount and well, it make me ill.

i got fever and flu and my head hurts.

it is the pillow.

fuck it.

and anothe jean perry pillow , crazy auntie like my mom and another relative bought it for like $70 plus and guess where it is now?!

hahaha

in the storeroom!!

cause even ming en doesnt want tht pillow and rudi doesnt want it too...

when they overnight we are always fighting for the cheaper pillow.

WHAT AN IRONY!!!!

ok, anw, see tht flying squirrel?

i went to like some flying animal cage and HOLY COW ,

when everybody was waiting for it to move i was like fuck it and move on.

when i moved on, the fucking thing flew above me and guess what, the freaking tail hit my head quite hard!!!

na bei!!!!

i was so freaked out i almost cried and the koreans didnt bother abt me and they just went to admire the stupid thing when it land.

i dunno wth the keeper fed, but it was 3 times the size of the one in the pic..

how fucking fat can it get!

and the tail was dam long and it HIT ME!!

WHY!!!!!

i cant get over it.

of all ppl , seriously it just have to be me.

ok anw, it was a fab day.

worth it for the sake of complex numbers homework and many other stuff which i cant be bothered to type.

the thing hitting me was the crux of my agony.

fuck tht thing.

sorry for all the vulgarities used.

u have to be hit by tht creature before critising me.

oh btw, in my whole life, this is the first time i went to night safari.

nights ppl..

JNZL

different

i hope you will know that i am still the strong and different woman you first knew.

i hope you know that i am no longer lying in the background waiting for ppl to realise i actually exist.

i hope you know that i am no longer the similar women whom u see day to day tht floats ard you.

if i appear different , tht doesnt mean i am wrong.

get use to me.

i may look normal , i may talk normal.

but i know, the way you look at me now would soon be different.
i dun try to be different so that ppl would notice, i am different so that you dun confuse me with other girls baby.

i hope you love me for being me.

i hope loving me makes you feel different and sort of happy tht i am not one of the normal girls u get to see..

because even if my plan failed for success, i will keep trying keep standing up for myself.

if u are wondering what happened to m e to make me think this way, thank

complex numbers

well, its odd. but yes complex number changed me.

wth am i talking abt? u dun really have to know cause i am not giving an inspirational speech here.

thanks to the people who love me for who i really am, love me for the my ugly side, love me for my silly side, love me for who i am and not who i am trying so hard to be these few weeks.

thanks. i love you too.

give you a word of advice which applies to me which i thought of which is my theory for now:
You fail , you try, you fail and you try again.
THE REAL FAILURE COMES WHEN YOU STOP TRYING.

JNZL

left with me

when all else fails, i am always available for myself.
i am sort of running this race by myself.

i cant really depend on others.
cause most of them arrnt really bothered abt me any more and some of them thinks i am a pain in the ass.

so....
this is it.
left with me, myself and i.

although secrectly i really hope and pray and wish upon tht same useless floating stone(star) tht some ppl i hold in high regard would not leave me and would be willingly to fight side by side with me.

well told u guys its a useless star.
so i dun really have too high hope.

love you ming en!
and some other ppl, whom i love but cant say it.
but i hope u can feel it.

JNZL

indepdent

this is for geraldine.
this is for me.

this is for woman who relies too much on love.
too much on guys. too much on friend.


JNZL

inconsoable

spinning spinning..

i cant understand you. u are like a complex qn which i have yet to learn how to solve..

similarly u find my thoughts / personality complex too.

am i weird?

i actually lived to the day tht i could feel tht i am weird.

i thought i would be the last thing i would think of.

but no.

being me makes ppl peel their eyelids.

they cant believe thts me. so i continued to be the person that they think is me.

i wonder if tofu head finds me weird plus complex too...

maybe one day my cloest friend would find me unbelieveable too.

maybe rudi wont. cause he saw it all and loved me less.

* i knew it*

JNZL

DEVIL spits poison

when he said tht.
it rings a bell..

where have i heard it before.
oh wait, everywhere.

a better person or just wallow up in self-pity.
i wanted to type a better person.
my fingers were alrdy ready .

my brain. it stopped it.
the push is gone.

voices says: I WANT TO I WANT TO!! YES I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON

VOICE B: u can't do it dear.u can't.

it is like poison, spreadin out.
it is reachin my angel soon.
help.

help.

help.

oh wait...
HELP!!!



JNZL

too much

Is it really bad if u give too much?

is it really bad if you keep repeating those same words?

when the word sorry doesn't work anymore.

i am too,loss for words.

am i giving too much?

or is it too little?

or does it depends?

how could we moderate our feelings to be avg?

how could we control our outburst of emotions?

if i am scaring you and you off, please let me know.

am i too intimidating?

do i look more like a monster tht eats ppl up.

or do i now look like a clown that ppl laugh at.

or are ppl just trying to "fu yan" me.

i am only refering to 2 ppl in this post.

probably only one will know my thoughts.

or maybe not.

JNZL

epic day

today many things / events happened.
first.

it was calvin celebration.
sadly, i didnt wake up as planned and had argued with someone over waking-me
it was epic too.

next, realised cal left for holland v for supermarket and other stuff and we spent the whole night planning to go his hse and stuffs.
epic fail.
met him at expo, another epic fail to surprise him cause his mom quite cute.
really.

calvin's mom: " eh calvin, you go study at expo for one hr ok, later then we go fetch you"
calvin thoughts" wth?! frm holland v go expo?! confirm got something on and i shall take the back door'

joey : (while waiting eagerly for calvin to come through the main entrance) why haven't come yet!
 *turns ard* wth!! calvin why you sitting down alrdy?!

another epic fail.

------------------------

the smearing cake part was epic success!!!
he got photos taken of it cause it was done during" grp photo"

haha. we didnt went overboard so we hope he would be happy!

--------------------------

next went to airport and probably didnt study due to lack of self-motivation.
epic fail.

next ate tom yam with ger, another epic fail cause we BOTH had the runs and was pretty bad bad bad...
talked alot abt our "brothers"

haha, and those top ten things u look in a guy blabla, but mostly it was abt bear and tofu.
it was seriously dam funny...

conclusion: epic fail day happens when the drive is lost.


JNZL

calvin's birthday

TODAY IS CALVIN THIA BIRTHDAY TODAY.

i am so happy that we got calvin to laugh loads while eating dinner.
though the topics we talk abt maybe lame and doesn't make sense , but it still did the trick.

calvin would be a happy boy tomorrow.
 happy birthday to you calvin.

thanks for being my mentor for bowling although now i realise how irritating i was last time and thanks for forgiving me all my small mistakes.

thanks for teaching me chem and feeding me with general knowledge , plus
you made me think in a new perspective and tht is good!

your sense of sub-zero humour made the bowling team a funnier grp of ppl to hang out with.
and with tht aura of urs which everyone can feel (maybe its just the girls) makes u stand out more prominently.

you have showed me the inner you.
well maybe not all ,but the point is that frm day 1 , i thought u were so stern and cant be joked at.

but i hav learned that you have many good qualtites in you which ppl dun realise on first sight  maybe you have understood my character more and thus open up more too.

you have been such an unique and extra ordinary human being and i  bet the bowling team thinks so too.
happy birthday calvin and i hope tomorrow we can bring some happiness to you.


JNZL

irony

i hate to admit things which i dun want ppl to know.
but at the same time, i do want ppl to know..

talking abt my life in a language which u ppl would understand.
u see the irony starts when i dun really want ppl to read my blog but some how i want to show what i really feel and i want people to know tht. Also, knowing tht there are many ppl who anti me and treat my like air.

today i thought long and hard abt the irony situation in my life.
well, i hav to make it kinda vague with some rigor due to me not wanting to scare ppl whom i love.

today all those sudden disappearence of me was well spent thinking.
people knows i am emotional and to a larger degree i am a pessimisist too.

but wait.
am i being emotional and loner just so because i wanted more attention?
is that it?

am i behaving like a poor child that just lost a loved one because i want more ppl to take pity on me and try their ways to make me happy?

am i acting to be sweet and nice just so i get the things i want and afraid to show ones' true colours.
if i smiled and ask for a "bao bao" from some selected ppl, am i trying to take advantage of their kindness and use it to make myself happy?

but then again.
today i was so not foucsed.
i was thinking abt a human being all these time.
even if the dist was less than 100km, no matter how close i will always be thinking , wondering, curious abt how it would feels like to hug.

it is always me tht travels in the path taken by many but many regret and yes i am still on the path, foolish to make it happen again.
hoping for the impossible and trying to eject the human out of my mind.

but the more i do, the worse it gets.
i thought greg was bad, but this time, its worse.


JNZL

bep bop

although i know none of the ppl out there knows wth am i talking abt.
but i just continue not because i dun care but i just have to type it out.

in biological terms its is lub thud. but in my world.
it is called bep bop.

and today although i know everyday my heart beats but today was a breath taking day
my heart bep bop strongly today.

in a horrible way.
and in a fluffy way..

i wish i could pull out her nerves frm her body and maybe burn her hair and maybe give her two good tight slap.
i wish i could cut off his mouth and deflate his tummy.

i was never like this.
rushing to the toilet acting tht nth happened and i cried so hard it was soundless.
i kicked the toilet walls and open the tap to full blast so no one hears me.

it was a feeling of betrayl.
a feeling of shallow concern.
a feeling tht i was cheated.

in my mind i was like" how could she! how could he!"

my scream was so strong tht it came out in squeaks.

i had to hide my true emotions.
i had to act as if i dun give a dam.

but deep down. this feeling nv dies. cause it happened twice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but today tofu head and tht nt-so-gummy-bear was pretty nice to me.
which i felt comforted.

when i had this bad bad day and my hp was FLAT
i wish i could hug someone and cry .
but no. there was no one i could hug nor cry on shoulders.

i had to be strong.i had to fake.
i had to be happy while i was filing my notes in the lib.
but i was glad i had tears rolling down .

at least i am a human,
i felt alone and i could nt see tht crumpler bag.
so i had no one to talk to.

but it was even out when tofu helped me carry my excessive files.
:)

my heart went bep bop again for the second time.




JNZL

bad woman

after love


missing you


girls don't know (eng sub press the bottom right (cc)

no wonder ming en loves ft island.
the lead singer is so... handsome.

well, i like ft island because they hav lots of emotional songs and i am a fan of such songs.
they sing it real well too!!

thumbs up for ft island!
JNZL