I have Learnt

I have learnt to let go what makes me weaker. I have not Learnt to have the courage to end it myself.

So if you can't help me to be a better person, there is no point in making me feel bad and sad. Just do me a favour and end my sufferings for me.

Help me to be a happier person.

If you can't accept my all, then I am not sure if I can do anything more.

To accept someone , even if there is a limit, to accept one for all the flaws u hate or detest. To make yourself understand that this is who the person is. So the mentality should be like, "if the person changes , it's awesome, of the person doesn't change, it's ok because I have accepted the person for who the person is"

I always know That I am insufficient and I myself feel helpless too! People just don't know how helpless I really feel.

People always think that i don't want to change. But it's so hard. I wasn't given any encouragement . All I got was mere criticism and criticism can only get me that far.

Like if u keep telling me even though I tell u to stop, it's just make me feel that you don't really have the best interest for me.

Guide me, do not just know how to critise, guiding means showing the person the way it should be done and why. But if you just critise and not guide, how much help are you actually helping me?

These are my unspoken words which I can't communicate it to u. It makes me feel helpless because you don't understand.

People also always say that if you yourself are insufficient shouldn't u also not just critise people but help people ? Becase you yourself know how insufficient you are hence you also know how it feels like to be critised again and again and feel helpless. So how would you want people to help you? This is also the way that you should approach people.

He kept saying I am like a child like 5-10 years old, or that even a child would think better than me. It's so hurting and I always try to change. I need gentle reminders. I do not need scoldings.

But then again maybe some actions are meant to be. If everyone understood what they should do, the world would be perfect and the world is not . It would never be.

So I learnt from people,
They taught me that I need to self psycho myself by saying:"I am bigger than tht."
To nearly every bad thing.
I am bigger than people who hates on me. I am bigger than people who fails to understand Me. I am bigger than people who puts me down in life. I am bigger than that.

For people who fail to love me as a person as I am, I am bigger than that because I know I should accept how people think of me.

I should let go of the things I can't change and hang on to the things that I myself can change.

Because by doing this I can make myself feel better. I need to feel better because I only have one life to live and if I live in tears and sadness it would be just wasting my life.

I know what it means that in life , u need sufferings to enjoy the good things in life. But if I can personally choose to have more joy, isn't it stupid of me to choose pain?

But humans are so stupid. The truly wise ones may not exist. I am pretty sure lee bai is a sad person. But what else can I say?

In conclusion, I can say that if I finally think I deserve better then that's the time I would get what I deserve. LIKE LITERALLY.

My unsend sms

It's really so hard to talk to you because u simply do not understand my heart. When I am crying on the other side of the phone u simply just could not detect it and just said bye. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate for not being able to tell you what made me upset and I had to lie to u. I am just upset abt u but I can't tell u because I am simply afraid that you would be pissed off. I feel so stuffed up inside and deep down I need your loving care and concern and many long hugs. But again, I am afraid that I am appearing to be too needy and this will make u think that u have power over me. These are my contradictions in my life and this is the real and raw me. These are my true thoughts that I can't tell you because I am afraid. I don't understand why is it so hard to press this send button but afterall I know I am going to just delete this and post it on my blog and u will never know how I really felt. U know, girls sometimes are fragile with small issues which they themselves make it to a big issue.

gifts

gifts are actually important right?

like everyone feels happy when they receive one on a special day or even for a normal occasion. but what if u are the only one that is giving and not the other party?

am i obliged to feel upset about it? i think i do have the rights to feel pretty upset about it. but the thing is, if forcing someone to buy a gift for you is also wrong and it loses the whole dam meaning of it.

buying a gift is to show that u made an effort to think what the other party likes and also that to show you want the person to be happy.

so does it also means that if the other party does not buy anything for you or does not make anything for you means the other party does not love or care for you? some may argue that gifts arn't everything.

i am going to google about it since google is practically my own bible.
like should i be upset when the other party worries about what to get for other people but does not buy anything for you? of course on special occasions la. but it hurts to not receive anything because you expect right.

but why is it that people never learn to not expect anything from others but must expect alot from oneself?
it hurts right? is expecting gifts to be materialistic? but how do i phrase it in a nicer form?

maybe i should consult sx since he is always the one that tells me what is the norm and i shld accept it. because come on what do u expect right?

if he says its the norm then i shall accept it and actually be less sad about it since in general people are like that. so those extra nice people would be easily identified.

btw, i am still pretty upset. ='(
JNZL

just something zodiac

【處女座】

處女座之所以活得累，是因為她們輸不起，無論面對的是學業、愛情、朋友、家人之間，處女都力求完美，所以處女只有硬撐下去，再苦再累都自己扛著。其實處女真的很脆弱，一丁點兒事情都能感慨萬千痛心疾首，處女的脆弱著實讓人心疼，但處女的脆弱又隱藏得之深以至於無人懂得心疼...。

其實很乖，懂得放肆之後適可而止。並不愚笨，有些事也可以做的很漂亮。怯懦不是錯，只是外界太強勢。別每天把討厭自己掛在嘴邊，要知道自己是獨一無二的自己。喜歡了愛了，就不許後悔，別責怪自己的愚昧，只是太想被愛而已。你不壞。你不賴。你不差。你很棒。

自信起來全世界都屬於自己，自卑起來自己是世界的棄兒；衝動起來沒大腦，理智起來像冷血動物；愛得狂熱起來連呼吸都忘了，冷淡起來對方的存在都可忽略不計；粗心起來鞋子可以穿反，細心起來可以把別人感動到哭；堅強起來走在刀尖上都不會哭，軟弱起來連個決定都要問別人。

處女座最不會耍心機、最講義氣、對待感情最認真專一。
處女座最要面子特別是尊嚴、最顧家、脾氣不好但心地好。
處女座喜歡逞強、害怕孤獨。
處女座的優點不是外貌而是氣質。
處女座很真很真。

處女座最討厭的人就是在他面前自以為是、以為魅力無窮的人，對於這種人、下場只有遭到處女座的冷言諷刺，處女座們諷刺人的技術很高的、如果他不加以控制、就算是男人也會被他說到無地自容，處女座的女生可能永遠也不會知道自己想要什麼，但是她一直很清楚、她不想要的是什麼。

處女座外表溫和、偶爾孩子氣、內心有狂野的一面，喜歡旅遊但也戀家、不算太宅，容易陷入自己的世界不能自拔、對自己在意的東西有著高度的細膩敏感、對於不入眼的東西有著高度的冷漠絕情，自我保護欲強。

與處女座鬧小彆扭時，希望對方一定要先站出來，處女座的女生很倔，即使很喜歡你，很想再聽你聲音，她也會忍著不打電話給你，這時候她是非常難受的，她一直在期待手機螢幕裡出現你的名字，能看到你打來的電話，傳來的訊息。處女座的另一半的，請包容處女座。你們懂的，她其實很在意你！

或許多數人覺得處女座無主見、搖擺不定，其實他心中早有定論、只不過習慣性的容讓別人、遷就別人。處女座真不是有大原則性的星座、但很有強烈的底線不容易超越，他不說不代表他沒要求、不要拿處女座的寬容當作你任性妄為的資本，一旦過了他的底線、就別怪他對你冷漠了。

處女座不容易喜歡上一個人。有人說處女座對伴侶的要求太高，其實並非這樣，處女座注重的是感覺。只是那麼輕描淡寫的一眼，那個人已經吸引了處女座的所有注意力，從此目光便無法轉移。用一秒鐘愛上一個人，然後再付出一生去忘記，處女座就是這樣的愛情試驗品。

逃避是處女座的習慣，他們對自己渴望的東西總是先退到一邊，似乎毫不關心然後突然撲上去。他們沒有很強的適應能力，卻有天生的領悟力。他們以自我為中心，懂得自我保護，他們害怕孤獨，但又註定了孤獨。他們有很多秘密，他們把真實的自己藏於夜半的寂靜和午間笑聲的明朗中。

處女座的人需要慢慢相處，因為處女座是個被動的星座、慢熱的星座、放不開的星座。認識的時間越久對你越好，如果你喜歡處女座的人、他卻不喜歡你，頻頻接觸的結果只會讓他對你越來越冷淡。處女座喜歡和喜歡的人鬥鬥嘴、卻不會大聲吵架，你想吵，可以、處女座只會轉身走人。處女座很慢熱、很冷漠、很直接討厭轉彎，不喜歡說話、也不喜歡太吵的環境。喜歡自由的感覺、討厭囉嗦、心智很成熟，看事情很透徹很絕、需要以行動來證明對他的在乎 。

處女座其實很自卑、也很驕傲，請你用心去打開他的心、而不是去聽他的口是心非。他知道愛情總是會彼此傷害，知道愛情沒有誰對誰錯，知道愛情不能比較多少！請記住、不要對他用冷漠宣戰、不要只用冷漠對他，他的內心永遠只是個孩子、他也需要小溫暖、小快樂。

有些事，處女座總是弄不懂；
有些人，處女座總是猜不透；
有些道，處女座總是悟不盡；
有些理，處女座總是想不通；
有些坎，處女座總是跨不過；
有些傷，處女座總是治不好；
有些天，處女座總是睡不著；
有些地，處女座總是去不了；
有些情，處女座總是說不出；
有些愛，處女座總是得不到。

吹毛求疵杞人憂天窮緊張，卻也追求完美的處女座。



【射手座】

射手最讓人愛的地方和最讓人擔心的地方就是天真！雖然具有哲思，可太過善良和輕易相信別人的性格很容易被人宰割！射手認為，世界就是自己看到的那樣。黑就是黑，白就是白。想法太直接！射手是傻人有傻福，無知者無畏，大步的前行，福很容易到，禍也很容易到。射手其實是需要有人在身邊的。

射手座遇見自己真正喜歡的人，其實是相當沈默和安靜的。他們天生不安分的靈魂，害怕為了某個人而停留，害怕為了所謂愛情失去至為寶貴的自由，所以他們在與喜歡的人愉悅交往時，會突然消失的無影無蹤。他們往往利用這個時間，靜靜的思考，也是在考察自己對象的反應。

她的外表多半很正統，文靜。但她的內心沒有安全感，也不會輕易吐露心事，如果你愛上她，你得用心體貼她。當她遇見了那個給她信心和安全感的男人之後，她會變成一隻溫柔又嫵媚的極品女人。 她既不嘮叨，也不情緒化。當然，她的小固執是你很清楚的，但是，千萬別試圖改變她認定的想法喲。

射手可以在前半分鐘對你好得讓你受寵若驚，也可以在後半鐘冷漠得讓你不可接受。當你看到射手在瘋狂地快樂或悲傷時，千萬不要迷惑，不管射手看起來是多麼的瘋狂，射手內心其實是冷靜的，射手比你們任何一個旁觀者更知道如何處理快樂與悲傷。

射手座愛上網、喜歡隱身；夜晚怕黑、卻習慣晚睡。習慣了懷疑、卻總把人往好處想；很念舊、喜歡簡單的生活。經常發呆、莫名孤單、會突然不知所措。喜歡呆在角落或靠近窗戶；隱藏心事、常常一個人流淚。

喜歡也習慣被快樂包圍的射手，是不容易什麼傷心出現在自己的世界的！就算偶爾出現，也會被他們大吸口氣吹得無影無蹤，才不會被難受的氣氛黏住。直來直往，是很少有安靜的時候，可要是他們想要行動的目標被硬逼著不得不放棄，平時什麼事也沒有一樣的射手，也會很難過的，難過的不想說話，沉默不是不再開心了，只是也要發洩一下，這個行動早晚都是要完成的，你們就看著吧！射手的情緒總是來匆匆去匆匆、不管是開心還是傷心。

要他們憋著不說簡直是酷刑、肯定堅持不了多久，至於壞心情、一旦不如意、他們就特別激動，正如來得快去得也快、射手的壞心情只會停留在爆發的當時、只要發洩了之後就能恢復陽光燦爛了。

射手是個需要人保護的孩子、任性、愛花錢、怕黑、怕寂寞有精神潔癖、外表是漂亮的女生、內在其實很爺們。
單純、簡單、不喜歡複雜，習慣性對別人好、從來不知道自私是什麼，大人和老人緣都很好。

射手座朋友很多、大大剌剌的，喜歡我行我素、有極強個性，不會拒絕別人、有人求助必然有求必應，不喜歡一天到晚生氣的人、不斤斤計較、不耍心眼。
很懶、沒事幾乎不出門、愛發呆，擅長裝傻、其實心裡都明白只是不願意說出來，與老友只想念不聯繫、很情緒化、雙重人格，有自己的一套原則、我行我素，有時很糊塗、反應慢半拍，特別敏感、脆弱。

射手
很開朗，不開心的時候就會隱藏自己、只是想讓自己顯得更獨立更堅強。
很敏感、看似什麼都不計較、不細心，其實是在包容對方、所以會假裝什麼都不知道。
很現實、很正義、最討厭軟弱拖拉的人，更討厭自以為是的人。
不擅長表達自己的情感、所以常常用沉默取代表達。

個性開朗樂觀、認為明天比昨天好、今天一定更有趣，思想路線是直的、常常易得罪別人而不知，不太會說謊、非常愛笑、且笑聲很大，冒險性強、領悟力強、又幽默、好動，太好自由、不易有固定的工作或男友。

愛上一個人很容易陷入痴迷，重視友情多過愛情，不輕易吐露自己的心事。不堅強可是很善良，他愛上了一個人會把自己放最後。會因為吵架不開心、卻也是最快認錯的，在你難過是哄你開心、分手後他會哭著回憶屬於之前的幸福也不會勉強愛人因為同情而在一起。

射手比誰都希望自己愛的人快樂幸福、卻常常忽略了自己！
即使全身是傷也會笑著告訴你：我很好、不用擔心！

射手只是習慣喜歡將一切都變得瘋狂，也是個沒骨氣的落跑大王。


【摩羯座】

摩羯座的他們是一個很難理解的星座，因為他們的性格太多元化。他可以幽默，可以冷漠，可以柔弱，可以堅強，可以成熟，可以天真，可以精明，可以傻氣，說話往往口是心非，你們永遠猜不透他們在想什麼。不要說他們是在裝，其實，這才是真正的摩羯，一個千變萬化的他。

不要對摩羯座撒謊，其實他心裡很清楚，只是不說；他們習慣了默默承受一切，就算生氣了也會為對方找各種理由；原諒對於摩羯座來說並不難，因為他們只會讓自己受傷，而不會去傷害別人。所以不要欺負摩羯座，對他們而言，最好的報復不是沈默而是離開。他們的放棄，通常都在一念之間。

摩羯座的人本能的排斥虛偽和做作的人。摩羯座的人不會真的發火，就算生氣，也很快忘記！摩羯座的人只對真正懂自己的人，展示他的創造性，他的情緒變得冷淡就證明他開始對你重新審視， 當他越是沈默，就代表他越是生氣。

摩羯座的字典裡永遠沒有「利用」兩個字，他們不懂得什麼叫阿諛奉承，什麼叫陽奉陰違；摩羯座脾氣急，易衝動，很真很瀟灑；摩羯座喜怒哀樂都表現在臉上，不懂得什麼是偽裝；摩羯座膽大，喜歡挑戰不能完成的事。

摩羯的反擊力很強，吵架的時候、他可能會說一些很傷人的話，其實、他不是故意的，那是摩羯的直覺反應、吵架就是要贏嘛！摩羯可能一說出口就後悔了，可是經常很難拉下臉來道歉，不要跟他慪氣、放他一馬他心裡會很感謝、對你加倍的好。

摩羯座的人：
最不能接受朋友的不信任、出賣、背叛。
現在的生活很迷惘、找不到出口、但對未來堅定而充滿希望。
生氣的小事很快就會忘記、不記仇。
別人對自己的好會銘記於心、有恩必報。
不善於表達自己的情感、所以常常用沉默取代表達。
深思謹慎、冷靜而準確的判斷力。
予人沈穩而嚴肅的印象。
有強烈的責任感和企圖心、時時鞭策自己努力實現理想。
但是凡事都太過認真、乃至拘泥。
而顯得過於剛強、冥頑不靈。

摩羯座很溫柔、喜歡熱鬧。
執著、哭點很低、其實膽小卻偽裝勇敢。
不喜歡選擇、不喜歡做決定、害怕傷害、牽掛太多。
明明知道自己要改變卻無力改變。
想要驕傲、想要自信、相信幸福、容易認真。
不記仇、太隨和所以沒有深交。

如果你傷害了摩羯，放心吧、他不會報復、只會對你避而遠之，如果你污衊了摩羯，放心吧、他不會解釋、只會與你從此不相往來，因為摩羯們相信沉默是最大的報復、時間是最好的證明，驕傲的摩羯、內心強大的難以置信。

摩羯座低調，內向憂鬱，常常裝出一副嚴厲的姿態，給人感覺很冷漠，其實內心是火熱的，很善良，不容易拒絕別人，尤其是自己看重的人，受傷了就會想要逃避，多數是吃軟不吃硬！脾氣很大，但是對事不對人！他們凡事都想靠自己完成，不想周圍的人為他操心，他們很重視面子。很少有人真正瞭解摩羯座。

摩羯座不會耍心機；摩羯座講義氣夠朋友；摩羯座對待感情認真專一；摩羯座最要面子，摩羯座最重要的是尊嚴，摩羯座很顧家；摩羯座脾氣不好但心地善良；摩羯座喜歡逞強；摩羯座害怕孤單；摩羯座的優點不是外貌而是氣質；摩羯座很陽光又開朗；摩羯座不兇很好相處。

一個充滿浪漫，夢想的星座、溫柔的星座。
一個堅強且自卑，頑固且軟弱，驕傲且自憐的星座。
一個一直扮演好孩子的角色，卻一直擁有壞孩子的心態的星座。
一個有時乖巧，有時瘋狂，有時堅強，有時脆弱的星座。
有時候不溫柔、脾氣不好、容易生氣、容易吃醋、容易心痛、很任性、生氣時不想說話、開心了會傻笑、受委屈會放在心裡、在乎了就會想讓你知道、喜歡在傷心的時候聽傷心的歌。

天生善良、感情脆弱、很沒有安全感。
喜歡裝傻、外表沉默內心想得比較多。
邏輯性強、有條理且敏銳、討厭背叛和撒謊。
做事不喜歡拖泥帶水 。

摩羯座倔強！但永遠都是刀子嘴豆腐心，也是個無趣到死的木頭人。
JNZL

work done

i feel so empowered with the power of knowledge because i studied and i could do my finance derivative assignment with ease?

i suddenly felt that the reason why i failed was because i cldn't balance my time and the only way was by force.

like i can't REALLY HAVE the best of both worlds but people allowing or actually helping me to help me attain good results for my studies is making me realise that only by excelling will i not regret and have the best of both worlds LATER ON.

it really easier said that done. but i am so glad i am receiving all the support i need and reassuring me about things which i am unsure of. u know, being or feeling secured is not one of my forte and i need LOTS OF REASSURANCE TO KEEP ME FEELING ASSURED.

=) anw, had a happy labour day.
JNZL