independent

today i saw a scene whereby a girl cried and the boy just kept walking, and of course the girl was catching up with the guy and crying at the same time. a surge of familiarity hit me.

the girl looked like a pathetic dog, with no pride. although many wld have argued that pride itself cant bring happiness and bla.

i know that pretty well myself as i have experienced it before. like first hand. its freaking awful to my eyes that i felt like punching the man/boy who let the girl chased him.

after much reflection on today issues and i have come to several agreement with my mental self.

although i shed tears very often, it is definitely because i knew i had someone to rely on. With that, since i have a relying shoulder to fall back upon (OR THAT IS WHAT I USED TO THINK) hence my independent part of me starts to slowly fade away.

its just that girls are very emotional creatures and they feel more, wayyyy more.
girls mind the little errors people make and although they try very hard to make themselves cool with the situation, most likely they arn't cool with it at all.

after today, i learnt to embrace my own weakness. they i shed tears frequently. it may be due to factors such as unable to voice out my own opinions and therefore my body needs an avenue to vent it out. and hence i cry. it maybe due to self disappointment , it may due to disappointment with people i held high standards for, or maybe i just felt that i was being bullied but still gave in because i am just like that.

i create many reasons to assure myself with many situations. which other people tend to label it as protecting the other person or giving excuses to protect my own bubble of happiness.
i  really do have a big heart and i hate myself because i cant get angry for long and i always have to give in to the other party.

i give credits and a pat on my back to myself because i became a better person. even though the person fails to know my improvement but i am sure S would understand if he happens to be there.

i learnt to keep quiet when i am angry or pissed and allow myself to become a man and just think of nothing when looking into space. i no longer ask men what they are thinking when they stare into space for too long. because ultimately, why bother asking. if the person wants time to sort out thoughts, then just let him be. i learnt to live in harmony with silence.

this is a very big improvement i swear to god.
i learn to appreciate silence even though silence after coming out of the theater is fucking weird to me.
i also realised that i should never show 100% of my big heart to people as people always take me for granted.

when i made or create time to spend time with people, people always think why am i always so available. well just L and S. so when it happened again, people dont realise tht i cancelled my other friend's appointments or i could have LOVE TO SLACK ARD WATCHING KOREAN DRAMAS and read kpop news. or surf the dam web.

FOR UR INFO, i stopped watching kpop drama for like 3-4 months. of couse these sacrifices are made because i believed that human connection is more important then internet. BUT THEY DONT SAY THANK YOU.

back to the theory where don't except anything frm people? like if i were to give up my nike race which i paid $30 and agreed with my gf that i am going. if i choose to go with u overseas to support you, i think u shld say thank you.

but i have to embrace my imperfection and i have to love myself for who i am.
i laugh loud. i am sorry but i cant help it. =(

even though many are displeased with it but, i am joey. as hard as i try, i know i am just doing it to please people so that people ard me wld like me more.

i have also come to a conclusion that from this day onwards, i shall be independent even if i have someone to rely on. (WHICH MAY FIND ME A HASSLE) men... fuckers.

i know my gfs are always there for me. but men and women , they are really different. i always turn out for the worse when i associate myself with men. rls are  like my nemesis of smthing.

to be independent means that i shall carry on with my normal routine just like before.
i won't give in and MAKE MYSELF WAKE UP EARLIER just to have lunch tgt and ending up being late and you being mad at me. BTW I FUCKING TOOK TAXI AND RAN OK.

so if i dont feel like meeting you . i would tell u so. if i need to study and you want, not need me, then i shall study. if i have gf or friends to hang out with, i shall do so.

being too available to men makes you easy. hence like what xiaxue said. girls u need to rein yourself in so that they can keep coming back for more.

just like koi, you cant really find koi in the city so the craving is much higher.
same goes for the heart and the mind. absence is needed. being infront of someone too often makes you look cheap and easily available.

therefore, the person WILL TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED and treat you LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE.

i deserve much more. i am honest with my heart and i can't lie to myself. i really wld love the person for life. but i can't show it. i don't want to be that pathetic dog girl who runs to men.

like girls are equally impt.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS: if you do not wish to do it, some other guys will take your place in the end. it may feel like the world ends, but when u pick your broken pieces and stand back up with your own strength, the world is still a good place.

p.s. i was really IRRITATED TODAY so that is what inspired me to type it all out.

JNZL