I actually woke up from bed to just type this post.

I JUST HAD TO TYPE WHAT I NEED TO REFLECT OR ACTUALLY what i really want to rant about. sighs.

Just a moment ago, someone mentioned that we are supposed to feel grateful that we are actually alive for each and everyday that we are living and breathing.

everything was pretty alright until i JUST HAD TO KNOW what you were doing on fb. It's so fucking lame and retarded but fuck me, i just had to be curious on what you like on fb. what u comment on fb. yeah typically a normal stalker. well that's what fb is about anyway. =/

so it was so demoralising to see pretty sexy and skinny girls out there.

I think i am turning back time to when i was like 17? i was pretty sure i was being outcast because i just dont fit in. well, sadly looks wise too.

everyone. holy shit. EVERYONE was fucking slim in JC.

i had to be the blob . yeah , being a blob is tough.

so right now. i am probably being so freaking pessimistic abt life right now because i am not given the attention that i want. or probably like all typical women i meet they dont get satisfied when they are not getting what they want in life.

so. yeah of course i do need to work hard to get what i want in life.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING LAZY. WHY AM I SO FUCKING LAZY . WHY AM I SO FUCKING LAZYYY.

so this pent up self-hate thing started yesterday when i was looking into my weight categories for my competition this dec. yeah btw i am practicing bjj for a couple of years now and i am very into it , so much so that my fucking life revolves ard it. i want to change my work due to my lack of time to train it because i am working till like 8-10pm every single fucking day.

leke has been whinning and complaining that how awesome i used to be the LAST TIME. CCB. i wish i had my student life back. even though i was poor, i had fucking time.

when i had spare time, i could do some workout and be actually a little less fat.

to have a hour-glass figure. i was kind of blessed in the chest waist hip ratio. 

i mean its awesome that i dont have to look like a rectangle or an apple.

but that's it.

nothing more awesome than that.

i need to do squats. i need to do lunges. i need to fucking eat healthy.

i dunno la, fuck diet. doesnt help at all.

ok so bla bla bla. i just weighed myself.

=_= i got heavier by a few grams even though i cut back on my diet.

whatever pfff

so i have this concept. twisted or screwed up whatever, it made sense to me so yeah.

When you are slimer, prettier. 

your lvl of confidence rises. you are comfortable in your own skin.

you will actually have better posture since you are walking with confidence.

you will have more options open to you. (no one can deny this)

actually i also think that when you are slimmer and prettier, your level of happiness might just increase.

i mean i dont really know because i could be stupid to the max *foolish* and just keep trying to get the things that are just not meant to be. i could jolly well be blinded by my will and just you know.

NEVER MOVE ON.

i mean screw ppl that says that moving on is do-able. i cant fucking move on no matter how many yearsss have past ok. i am still fucking stuck. STUCK STUCK.

ppl that told me time heals can just fucking go kill themselves.

I am so sure that if i were to see her again , my heart will start to bleed. thinking about those past that we enjoyed together.

I MEAN HELLO YOUR FUCKING FACE FILLS HALF OF MY INSTAX ALBUM. fuck you alright.

i cant believe that i actually placed you so close to my heart. well of course i cant show how much i actually wished i could turn back time and choose to NOT TO KNOW YOU. really dear lord. i would not want to know you. 

you will never understand how much it pains me because i just cry at home without telling you. 

i can never understand how fucked up u really are until you actually MESSAGE HURTFUL MESSAGE TO ME.

LET ME CLAP MY HANDS FOR MYSELF. well done joey. this person just HURT YOU EVEN MORE AND OH YEAH SHE DONT MEAN IT. 

of course please do fuck off from my life.

i actually did ask ard. oh yeah now i remember. you actually msg me that how my friends are just trying to comfort me and just keep me blinded.

WELL FUCK YOU REALLY. OF COURSE THEY DONT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO SHOW OFF TO THEM HOW FUCKED UP A CLOSE  FRIEND TO ME REALLY IS.

i asked in a 3rd party kind of view. DUDE. IT TURNS OUT WHAT THEY SAID WAS TRUE.

they actually said why do i have such close friends.

or explicitly they said. why your friends so fucked up one.

HAHAHAHHA well done joey well done.

friends for life yo.

ok shit i deviate .

so yeah i shld just print? the 100 plus pages that i purchased.

from instagram lolll

ok anyway, i feel better already because noel just msg me.

This man is really a god-send man to me in my life. HAHAHA he just has this radar or sensor.

Every time i am feeling truly upset he would suddenly msg me.

love him la. sweet fellow.

life is kind i guess.

and i still do love you. it will never fade no matter what happens. dont know how ppl can do it but i just cant ok.

and dear L, i really do hate you so much. you totally exposed me to so many of life bad things that i really do not really want to know. you really burst my bubble of having faith.

like really if i could turn back the clock. even though i cherish you till the sort of death do us part and my life is really truly revolving ard you. even though I WILL NEVER ADMIT TO NO ONE. its those kind that i will bring it to my grave those kind.

i really wished i had just a platonic relationship with you. i guess i had my fair share of madness. ongoing madness yeah. until u decide to leave singapore for good. then i guess my madness will just stop.

i guess the reason that i love cuddling WITH THE PERSON I WANT is because it gives me a sense of illusion that i am safe. i am alright. we can conquer the world. just you and me . together.