Dearest all,
have anyone ever felt so stupid , felt so used but yet something inside me yearns to not stop helping not stop being good/nice.
today i felt something. my six sense tells me he likes g, well not that he doesnt like other woman as well. the fact that he told claudia that she was being mean WAS being protective...
i remembered clearly him once telling kw to tell others to protect me. well i guess feelings moved.
ok back to thoughts.
so because of such small matter (wtf why are other girls always the problem for us FUCK SMALL SLUTS SERIOUSLY)
HE told me that he didnt want to talk to me. I am like fineeeee. crazy bastard.
so the situation came when both of us were walking to the coffee shop, i started to wonder YET AGAIN, why is it that we dont really talk while walking
why does he always walk faster than me. why doesn't he walk the same pace as me.
HE LABELS IT AS JEALOUSY when i mention that he scolded me for walking too fast when there were friends behind us the last time. AND THEN AM I NOT HIS FRIEND TOO? AM I NOT?!
his craziness and stupidity and just being a fucking bastard makes me CRAZY. sorry that was not even how i felt. I felt that i simply didnt mean anything to him. as if i am some blood sucker leech that sticks with him all day long.
but deep down that is not true, the reason why i do so many things is because it is only natural to want to be with someone whom u like.
yeah back to the coffee shop incident. i left my wallet at the gym, so i asked him if he thinks S was still in the gym, he immeditatly said in an annoyed voice telling me why should i even bother calling people to help. FUCK HE DIDNT GET THE IDEA CLEAR. I WANTED TO ASK IF S COULD HELP ME FIND MY WALLET FIRST . THEN I WALK THERE TO GET IT.
so of course i couldnt take it anymore and said in a loud voice to not talk to me anymore. FUCK .
you know, when i mention my wallet was lost, he didnt EVEN FUCKING CARE.
THANKS FOR NOT GIVING A FUCK WHEN I GAVE TOO MUCH FUCK CARE TO YOU.
i was just so mad, he got mad, fuck.
so we went to the mrt and he sat at his train side leaving me alone. OF COURSE HE WOULD DO THAT, WHICH PART OF THAT BLACK MAN WOULD NOT DO THAT.
and i was SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY SADNESS THAT I STARTED CRYING AND MY TRAIN CAME WITHIN A MINUTE AND I JUST ENTERED WITHOUT LOOKING BACK.
that moment was really horrible, i felt used, felt stupid.
and that line which he said to me kept reappearing.
friend and boyfriend and different. SEE I LOOK LIKE A STUPID LEECH HERE.
when i boarded the train i just kept crying. when i lifted my head up, i saw a nice couple with this guy putting the girl's hair back and just acting nice and loving.
u see all i ever wanted was that.
so dear god, if you are looking down on me. i pray that one day, some human can pull me out of this messed up trash and made me feel wanted feel loved again.
we always never learn. we really never.
JNZL
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