this year has been full of ups and down and of course since this is joey ng zi lin, it means drama never cease and so therefore like what rq said: if my life were to made into a documentry it would never be boring.
so i changed rls status, broke off from my old mean and selfish self and became a better person in whole, and i learned to be independent, in fact i can safely say i am SUPER INDEPENDENT IT SCARES ME.
its good of course and i learned that even if people were to be mean towards you , doesnt mean i have to be mean towards them back. its really sincerely their lost. i gave all i cld and everything i cld when people need me because i expect great things from myself. honestly of course i always have high expectations from my close friends but i realised that there is no point in doing that because it will always lead to dissapointments and therefore just be great yourself. karma gets back real fast, as told by cpl.
but having losing friends which hurts me of course, i gained friends who are willing to stand by me in times when people gossip about me, say awful UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT ME, bitch abt me and basically they hate me.
the awesome part is when i dont even talk to them. ikr, their heads just keep forming images of me. hence ppl who are not close to me may believe in their tales and hence i naturally have a bad image. BUT, with friends to stand by me and approve of who i am which apparently is a sweet and nice and ooopss loud and ooops vulgar girl. loll. 2 sides of me sorry!
the time when ppl, leave me because of their gf, the time when ppl backstab me because.. i dunno why.
so i became very hardworking and of course trying to change my old habit of being late and not running.
i started to realise ard me that ppl are actually turning worse because of their rls and they are just so blinded. just like the past of me.
i grew wiser and smarter and learn to behave appropriately with different grp of ppl.
i also realise all my own heartaches are to be unknown to ppl and therefore cryin in slience.
i am easily upset by ppl actions.
and this december was really an unpleasant one.
my father lectured me on why i had to take up so many tuitions and why am i taking so many things at one go and nv lose weight. the thing is money makes my world go round. to be poor makes me feel so restricted and i dont want that. i also never ask for extra pocket money and i earned everything by myself.
i thought it was a good thing, you know working till exhausted. i pay everything myself.
my BJJ classes, my driving and all my taxi expenses.
all these need money. you think i want to work? lol dont be ridiculous.
so when he said all that i was really tearing up but of course no one saw. esp my little bro. i must keep this big sis is awesome image.
so of course naturally when i didnt get any christmas gifts i was also upset. like i wasnt expecting much. maybe a small one wld suffice. but no.... nth.
they cld buy things for relatives but i received nth. they cld go on tours but i got nth.
but however dad mentioned he cld give me vouchers on jan which totals up to :$$$
but, why cannot give daughter smthing on christmas lei.
i am all abt fairness but i can feel that i wasnt really welcomed by my s.m. when i asked if they had anything on for christmas but i cldn't go because i didnt know anyone there.
the truth is everyone started out by nt knowing anyone right? so maybe i was a shame or disgrace to her, so i had to be covered. i wasnt even in the family photo or in this case any photos. my dad was asking me to go over but since she responded so negatively of course i had to offer and said its ok i didnt wanna go. its all kept inside my heart and it still pains me to type it all out here because i cldnt tell anyone. like wtf .
you see, being fat will make u an outsider in my family. seriously speaking, i have to look pretty and slim and basically being a miss pretty and of course intelligent person.
so when this made me being ostracized in my family, i just kept silent. oh please , my dad even points to me and kept saying that i was super fat to all my relatives that came for christmas eve dinner.
like could i be more insulted? like even the relatives also dunno what to reply back.
u see? family my ass la.
I AM ALWAYS INSULTED AND MENTAL ABUSED PLEASE. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS AND SO USELESS AND SO DISGUSTED OF MYSELF.
I swear if i wasnt strong, i cld have suffered trauma.
so yeah, there were more down than ups but everyone has their own problems. i have to solve them by myself and you know , its always for the best.
at least my dad cares right? think optimistically and life is still good.
people still love me and i can feel that they care.
for example, you.
ps: btw w.t, happy birthday. so some reason i will never ever forget urs.
JNZL
