a goal a temporary goal

dear joey,

let's do this. let's train so hard you want to vomit. let's train so hard that you cry once again.
let's beat ALL THE WOMAN YOU CAN WIN IN THIS UPCOMING TOKOYO UAE CHAMPIONSHIPS.

MOSTLY IMPORTANTLY, WIN YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE THE LARGEST OBSTACLE THAT YOU WILL EVER FACE.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS BLOCKING YOUR CAPABILITY TO OVERCOME ANYTHING TO BE THE BEST AND SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS.



JNZL

the last time

For all the heart wrench i have suffered, it was all my own choice. It was the road that i have chosen.

I truly enjoyed the very fact that i love to inflict such emotional scars on myself, which i could avoid but i truly know i wanted to stay.

all the times i allowed you in, just to know you will leave again.

sounds like a slut.

so this is the last time i will let you step on me, use me like i am your slave, blatantly hitting on woman, shamelessly talk about your obstacles of how i have indeed block your way to seduce even more woman, to lie to me w/o batting an eyelid saying how you ever loved me, to receive your ridiculous scoldings calling me a prostitute /slut, lying that you never tried out other woman, lie to me that you won't fool around and all that i saw was just for fun, that you were always truthful to your words.

this is the last time that i will so foolishly believe that love and concern could leak out from your mouth, believing that even as a friend, you would respect me. the last time that i will wonder how perfect if i could watch your face as i fall asleep and that how safely i would be in your arms for that brief moment before you would skype with other woman who would reciprocate your sexual desires with videos, pictures and even meeting up. maybe that twins were yours.

this is the last time i would check your phone and seeing that you were meeting multiple woman and understanding how much of a fool which i am. How much i actually do love myself enough to allow your actions to keep killing me.

and i wonder, will my heart in the near future stop because maybe heaven would be a better place where i may finally rest my body. Or maybe hell to allow pure torture to seep into my body

This is the last time i would cry silently without showing my true feelings.

so i will ask you one final time: why did you allow yourself to destroy a girl who didn't understand the hypocrisy of men and this world.

JNZL

woman and their connections

I was just browsing my long time friend's blog which i had link to it and after i read it, i felt a connection.

You see, guys may not understand what emotional turmoil we woman go thru.
Oh talking about it, just a reminder, NOT ALL WOMEN understands each other.

like how i couldn't understand a 16 year old girl who told me she would hit on a friend ex because her happiness comes first, and goes on blabbering about it depends on how nice the person treats her, she then she wonders WHY PEOPLE DISLIKE HER.

so back to the topic when my heart finds a connection with girls who happen to go thru something that i can understand, i felt that i need to grow in a certain way that plays with the mind.

it doesn't mean growing to be a wiser person, but in a way it means growing up in a way that u understand how most human beings work and use it to make your life easier, to get things done, to make people react the way you want them to.

Wiser means experience built up from scratch. i got to admit, i cant have that without first opening my eyes.

Truth to be told, my eyes went WAYYYYYY OPEN after i met my second ex and it opened even more after some screwed up things happens recently.

I finally get to understand that i am somehow living in a world of my own fantasy whereby people dont backstab each other, love and cherish each other and will forever be loyal.

I just wonder why god doesnt create the world i have in mind where everybody is at peace and love blossoms. why do god create people with FUCKED UP MINDSETS which hurts people and they are still fucked up even though they are no longer young.

so all in all, to those people whom know deep down that they have done some sinful actions or they are just fucked up because they choose to be, please allow me to stab your heart with needles and put salt in your wounds, and please do look at my puppy eyes telling you how SORRY i am and oh please do accept those needles and salt because you are suppose to be strong , independent and just because society doesn't really condemn such actions.

You people in this world thinks that whatever things that they do that hurts people so much are alright just because they have this "i can't please everybody" mindsets but bitches about it when it happens on you. Will you think that it's ok when you are the receiving end, think of all the things that can be stolen from you .JUST LET THIS SINK IN FOR A MOMENT

JNZL

Trust in the words you hear or trust in the ones you believe

A drama moved my heart and made me think once again.

Reflect on yourself.
or... let me ask u this question

If your friend told you that your close one took your phone when actually she didnt but your friend did.
Puts it in your close one bag and makes all evidence pointing at her.

You would believe your friend wont u.
But then, what abt your wrongfully accused close one.
Did you just forgot about how close both of you were together? is that foundation of trust really not established?

search within yourself of how screwed up you actually are. imagine a sceanrio that if this would happen. would you jump at conclusions? really you wont?

This is the sad life of friends, husbands, wife or whatever u consider as close.
There is no such thing as that unless you have complete faith in that person. then again, wont you doubt yourself ?

the world is really a creepy one. just be careful of whose words you chose to believe




JNZL

what we have is not ours to keep

There are some ironies in life which i cant iron it out.

Let's dive into the topic of getting hold of something.

Imagine your whole life, you do not own something you really like. You wont have anything to lose.
But once you got hold of that something, you have everything to lose.

You will be afraid of losing it in the future.
It applies to relationship.

Imagine that in your life till now, you do not accept any offers to be in a relationship.
Hence you do not get to taste the joy of being love and whatever that comes with it.
However, you are constantly on your toes of what belongs to you may not be yours anytime soon.

THE WORST PART? When you finally lost it, you feel weird.
You crave for those happy moments that you had when you were both tgt.

However do not forget that you were once happy too without anyone.
So, imagine you rejected the offer to be together. The only hurtful part is when the other gets taken. But so what?! that is just that part.

You dont feel empty because of what you had experienced.
People always say, OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.
Slowly but surely, you will move on but, you had not tasted the happiness of being tgt with someone. Hence you do not know what is it like to not be with someone.

Its the same as flat feett people. you cant ask them what do you think it feels to not have flat feet because they cant experience it and, they have lived with it their whole life~

Hence they dont understand when, you tell them that flat feet people when they run, they feel more pain than those who are not.

It the same for those who were single till now. They have not experienced what does it feel, to not be happy being just single.

SO, THE QUESTION IS...
are they truly deprived? must you live thru heartaches and tears filled face, in order to say that you have lived your life?

Think about how happy these singles are without needing to yearn for the company of someone just because they miss it. they are self satisfied.

So, isnt it better to just be single from the start?

JNZL

is it those heart wrenching memories

trust me. your heart doesn't belong to you.
whoever said it does probably felt happier lying to you.
JNZL

unknowingly it began

what makes me feel upside down?
it was the tall orders that i placed, believing that it would all fall in place.
i didnt mind the nitty bitty.

but i can't instill my own world of logics onto others.

then i thought for a moment.. hesitating comes deep within, because there are unforeseen future that u may not know what u might say, might just change the whole thing.

because there was this long period of time that if i hesitated and not speaking up, it made things a little better.
well till now actually. it made me bottle up all of my heart wrenching questions or remarks. it was killing me inside of course. but the irony of human is when u chose for me to verbalize it but yet u failed to see or feel how i felt, too often the other flies into a denial mode.

it made me re-think and re-think of how easy and fake a good conversation can flow if one means nothing to you. so why is it hard to communicate with one that means something to you?

well logically, one will be naturally be afraid of losing the one that mean something.

maybe a unbreakable curse that binds a promise with the seal of life of the other would be an excellent invention.

-feel me deeper, even deeper and that is where your answer lies.

JNZL

written sentiments

this is a little part of me, but what am i talking about.
everything here is all a part of me.

when i was listening to some music i felt something in me that felt a little happy.

its like a feeling of feeling glad.
for all those lovers out there, everyone does knows that moving on from someone so dear is like tearing a piece flesh from ur own heart. have u ever felt like u could stop breathing just because ur heart felt so crushed and that you are just all alone in your room. that letting go someone u always cared for so that your life can be better. that ur heart wrenches just because u know u used all your willpower to tear urself away. that it will be the final time u gave ur all, and that all u are going to do is to wish all the best because u knew u were just not good enough. uttering goodbye that pierce the silence deep within u.

all of these happened in my thoughts, although the exterior was just nothing more than closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. its just that helpless, knowing that the other just simply won't understand what you felt. knowing that words are just a waste of breath, when words can't express how you felt, u heart aches even more. (at this moment i stopped typing, to think ) did you ever realise when you gave ur all and there is really nothing more that u can give. u ... u are just neglecting your own needs, which is the first place should be a priority.

since people always say that in this earth , we are all trying to survive.
then again, as time passes and when u felt your desperate prayer came true, you will realise that you were wise not to drown urself in whiskey, not to do stupid things and u were glad u were level-headed to be calm and realised when you asked for the right things, the universe will give you what u asked for... ( thank god i finally wished otherwise)


ok that was just pure surge of emotions. its this song (just a fool) that ignites my current past (does it make sense?) probably u will cry with me if u played this song and reads my post.


but u see, there is always something good.

it was indeed very warming

I am sure everyone had a warming meal. my most warming meal was when i ate at my friend's house for lunch and i felt teary eyed because the whole family felt so united and so warm.

now, this is something everyone takes for granted who those lucky ones. when this meal arrived, i was wondering what was in the bag since everything was unknown. well even most of the above were new to me, there is something in this meal that is so very heart warming.

i simply smiled to myself as i was eating on the melts. it wasn't something big, it wasn't something fancy but its enough. and of course, everyone knows that you sleep the soundest when you feel good and secure. i had a good one.

but however that person fell sick...

JNZL

Little does he know little

Why do Pretend not to know, why do I act like as if it was ok

Why do I hold on, why does he lie, why does he not appreciate, why do I bother.

Why do I still refuse to learn...
But changes have been discovered ... I think it's for her instead? Do I need a psychiatric to help me?

I think I have seen enough or have I. I don't have the answers
Why are they not turning into actions. I don't know what I want? Or do I wish for a miracle?
People say your life is in your hands... It's true. We made the decisions that we think we deserve.
What do I actually fear. What do I fear, what is the basic of this fear which should be peeled like an onion.

Fear of letting go? Fear of "how am I going to face him next time" , fear of being abandoned ? Fear of non existence ?

Little does he know.

times when reality keeps slapping you, but u are still too stubborn

Dearest all,

have anyone ever felt so stupid , felt so used but yet something inside me yearns to not stop helping not stop being good/nice.

today i felt something. my six sense tells me he likes g, well not that he doesnt like other woman as well. the fact that he told claudia that she was being mean WAS being protective...

i remembered clearly him once telling kw to tell others to protect me. well i guess feelings moved.
ok back to thoughts.

so because of such small matter (wtf why are other girls always the problem for us FUCK SMALL SLUTS SERIOUSLY)
HE told me that he didnt want to talk to me. I am like fineeeee. crazy bastard.
so the situation came when both of us were walking to the coffee shop, i started to wonder YET AGAIN, why is it that we dont really talk while walking

why does he always walk faster than me. why doesn't he walk the same pace as me.
HE LABELS IT AS JEALOUSY when i mention that he scolded me for walking too fast when there were friends behind us the last time. AND THEN AM I NOT HIS FRIEND TOO? AM I NOT?!

his craziness and stupidity and just being a fucking bastard makes me CRAZY. sorry that was not even how i felt. I felt that i simply didnt mean anything to him. as if i am some blood sucker leech that sticks with him all day long.

but deep down that is not true, the reason why i do so many things is because it is only natural to want to be with someone whom u like.

yeah back to the coffee shop incident. i left my wallet at the gym, so i asked him if he thinks S was still in the gym, he immeditatly said in an annoyed voice telling me why should i even bother calling people to help. FUCK HE DIDNT GET THE IDEA CLEAR. I WANTED TO ASK IF S COULD HELP ME FIND MY WALLET FIRST . THEN I WALK THERE TO GET IT.

so of course i couldnt take it anymore and said in a loud voice to not talk to me anymore. FUCK .
you know, when i mention my wallet was lost, he didnt EVEN FUCKING CARE.

THANKS FOR NOT GIVING A FUCK WHEN I GAVE TOO MUCH FUCK CARE TO YOU.

i was just so mad, he got mad, fuck.

so we went to the mrt and he sat at his train side leaving me alone. OF COURSE HE WOULD DO THAT, WHICH PART OF THAT BLACK MAN WOULD NOT DO THAT.

and i was SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY SADNESS THAT I STARTED CRYING AND MY TRAIN CAME WITHIN A MINUTE AND I JUST ENTERED WITHOUT LOOKING BACK.

that moment was really horrible, i felt used, felt stupid.
and that line which he said to me kept reappearing.
friend and boyfriend and different. SEE I LOOK LIKE A STUPID LEECH HERE.

when i boarded the train i just kept crying. when i lifted my head up, i saw a nice couple with this guy putting the girl's hair back and just acting nice and loving.

u see all i ever wanted was that.
so dear god, if you are looking down on me. i pray that one day, some human can pull me out of this messed up trash and made me feel wanted feel loved again.

we always never learn. we really never.

JNZL