is it those heart wrenching memories

trust me. your heart doesn't belong to you.
whoever said it does probably felt happier lying to you.
JNZL

unknowingly it began

what makes me feel upside down?
it was the tall orders that i placed, believing that it would all fall in place.
i didnt mind the nitty bitty.

but i can't instill my own world of logics onto others.

then i thought for a moment.. hesitating comes deep within, because there are unforeseen future that u may not know what u might say, might just change the whole thing.

because there was this long period of time that if i hesitated and not speaking up, it made things a little better.
well till now actually. it made me bottle up all of my heart wrenching questions or remarks. it was killing me inside of course. but the irony of human is when u chose for me to verbalize it but yet u failed to see or feel how i felt, too often the other flies into a denial mode.

it made me re-think and re-think of how easy and fake a good conversation can flow if one means nothing to you. so why is it hard to communicate with one that means something to you?

well logically, one will be naturally be afraid of losing the one that mean something.

maybe a unbreakable curse that binds a promise with the seal of life of the other would be an excellent invention.

-feel me deeper, even deeper and that is where your answer lies.

JNZL

written sentiments

this is a little part of me, but what am i talking about.
everything here is all a part of me.

when i was listening to some music i felt something in me that felt a little happy.

its like a feeling of feeling glad.
for all those lovers out there, everyone does knows that moving on from someone so dear is like tearing a piece flesh from ur own heart. have u ever felt like u could stop breathing just because ur heart felt so crushed and that you are just all alone in your room. that letting go someone u always cared for so that your life can be better. that ur heart wrenches just because u know u used all your willpower to tear urself away. that it will be the final time u gave ur all, and that all u are going to do is to wish all the best because u knew u were just not good enough. uttering goodbye that pierce the silence deep within u.

all of these happened in my thoughts, although the exterior was just nothing more than closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. its just that helpless, knowing that the other just simply won't understand what you felt. knowing that words are just a waste of breath, when words can't express how you felt, u heart aches even more. (at this moment i stopped typing, to think ) did you ever realise when you gave ur all and there is really nothing more that u can give. u ... u are just neglecting your own needs, which is the first place should be a priority.

since people always say that in this earth , we are all trying to survive.
then again, as time passes and when u felt your desperate prayer came true, you will realise that you were wise not to drown urself in whiskey, not to do stupid things and u were glad u were level-headed to be calm and realised when you asked for the right things, the universe will give you what u asked for... ( thank god i finally wished otherwise)


ok that was just pure surge of emotions. its this song (just a fool) that ignites my current past (does it make sense?) probably u will cry with me if u played this song and reads my post.


but u see, there is always something good.

it was indeed very warming

I am sure everyone had a warming meal. my most warming meal was when i ate at my friend's house for lunch and i felt teary eyed because the whole family felt so united and so warm.

now, this is something everyone takes for granted who those lucky ones. when this meal arrived, i was wondering what was in the bag since everything was unknown. well even most of the above were new to me, there is something in this meal that is so very heart warming.

i simply smiled to myself as i was eating on the melts. it wasn't something big, it wasn't something fancy but its enough. and of course, everyone knows that you sleep the soundest when you feel good and secure. i had a good one.

but however that person fell sick...

JNZL

Little does he know little

Why do Pretend not to know, why do I act like as if it was ok

Why do I hold on, why does he lie, why does he not appreciate, why do I bother.

Why do I still refuse to learn...
But changes have been discovered ... I think it's for her instead? Do I need a psychiatric to help me?

I think I have seen enough or have I. I don't have the answers
Why are they not turning into actions. I don't know what I want? Or do I wish for a miracle?
People say your life is in your hands... It's true. We made the decisions that we think we deserve.
What do I actually fear. What do I fear, what is the basic of this fear which should be peeled like an onion.

Fear of letting go? Fear of "how am I going to face him next time" , fear of being abandoned ? Fear of non existence ?

Little does he know.

times when reality keeps slapping you, but u are still too stubborn

Dearest all,

have anyone ever felt so stupid , felt so used but yet something inside me yearns to not stop helping not stop being good/nice.

today i felt something. my six sense tells me he likes g, well not that he doesnt like other woman as well. the fact that he told claudia that she was being mean WAS being protective...

i remembered clearly him once telling kw to tell others to protect me. well i guess feelings moved.
ok back to thoughts.

so because of such small matter (wtf why are other girls always the problem for us FUCK SMALL SLUTS SERIOUSLY)
HE told me that he didnt want to talk to me. I am like fineeeee. crazy bastard.
so the situation came when both of us were walking to the coffee shop, i started to wonder YET AGAIN, why is it that we dont really talk while walking

why does he always walk faster than me. why doesn't he walk the same pace as me.
HE LABELS IT AS JEALOUSY when i mention that he scolded me for walking too fast when there were friends behind us the last time. AND THEN AM I NOT HIS FRIEND TOO? AM I NOT?!

his craziness and stupidity and just being a fucking bastard makes me CRAZY. sorry that was not even how i felt. I felt that i simply didnt mean anything to him. as if i am some blood sucker leech that sticks with him all day long.

but deep down that is not true, the reason why i do so many things is because it is only natural to want to be with someone whom u like.

yeah back to the coffee shop incident. i left my wallet at the gym, so i asked him if he thinks S was still in the gym, he immeditatly said in an annoyed voice telling me why should i even bother calling people to help. FUCK HE DIDNT GET THE IDEA CLEAR. I WANTED TO ASK IF S COULD HELP ME FIND MY WALLET FIRST . THEN I WALK THERE TO GET IT.

so of course i couldnt take it anymore and said in a loud voice to not talk to me anymore. FUCK .
you know, when i mention my wallet was lost, he didnt EVEN FUCKING CARE.

THANKS FOR NOT GIVING A FUCK WHEN I GAVE TOO MUCH FUCK CARE TO YOU.

i was just so mad, he got mad, fuck.

so we went to the mrt and he sat at his train side leaving me alone. OF COURSE HE WOULD DO THAT, WHICH PART OF THAT BLACK MAN WOULD NOT DO THAT.

and i was SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY SADNESS THAT I STARTED CRYING AND MY TRAIN CAME WITHIN A MINUTE AND I JUST ENTERED WITHOUT LOOKING BACK.

that moment was really horrible, i felt used, felt stupid.
and that line which he said to me kept reappearing.
friend and boyfriend and different. SEE I LOOK LIKE A STUPID LEECH HERE.

when i boarded the train i just kept crying. when i lifted my head up, i saw a nice couple with this guy putting the girl's hair back and just acting nice and loving.

u see all i ever wanted was that.
so dear god, if you are looking down on me. i pray that one day, some human can pull me out of this messed up trash and made me feel wanted feel loved again.

we always never learn. we really never.

JNZL

Belated bday post

I am lying on my tummy typing this post right now, listening to some shooting atas feel music which Is so nice I wondered why do I always listen to cliche songs.
Alvin introduced to me to this app named 8tracks. Apparently it's popular in the UK where he studies as. Medicine student . :)

So my 21st ended and it was a nice 21st, although on the midnight of my birthday, I was standing in the drizzling rain waiting for someone who I thought would never showed up till 1am plus . It's amazing how one can push their limits to no end. Like really, somehow I feel like I m stretching like a dam elastic rubber band. The gifts I received although not many but it was nice to have gifts. Yay

Although I expected one significant present from my parents like a traditional necklace, it's ok it never came because I knew very well the mistakes I foolishly made to make myself unable to receive such things. Still so sad that I can't even buy it on my own because I still owe ppl $$$$.
The batam trip which was intended to be my bday trip started AWFUL. Thank heavens it ended well.

Sometimes I thought to myself if I am really expecting too much from others. But u know, I also unexpectedly do.
Oh man, 3 of my close friends have Prada wallets! I also want lol. -.- ok it's not a necessity. Maybe I shall buy it only when I have the money to earn it myself. I really hope I can work soon! So that I can enjoy luxury for myself. My on smartphone to start with ....

Ah well. Shall leave such thoughts till new year resolutions.

In my love life, I feel I am being lied to. But when confronted, the assumed truth was being denied totally. Promising and all... Deep down, of course my rosé tinted vision lessened and I do not wish to discuss it further hence I verbally agreed and of course not lying , I really wished and wanted it to be the truth. But hey, too much drama in the tvs and real life advises made me know better. Promises made may just be a way to escape and to falsely reassure those that allow them to be reassured. Some ask so why do I still continue? Deep down I needed change but my mental shouts to me he won't. So in conclusion I just want to stick ard longer.

Anyway, happy birthday Joey. When your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme. When u wish on a star, makes no difference who u are.

live for myself

some times i live too much for other people. you know what i mean...
i just felt that if i were to love myself first, then people would love me too

smthing along that line.
so i need to save for myself, spend for myself and just work hard for MY OWN FUTURE.

JNZL