I need an outlet

I think I need to pray. But I have no religion no path no nothing. I was thinking of being a catholic. The churches are nice and quite and holy. Christian churches are too lively for me. I wonder which church should I go...

Why is this puzzle taking forever

Is there something about me left that makes you keep coming back to me?

Could you share your piece of heart thoughts? Of what you are frankly thinking about?

Because your words of breaks and your words of love puzzles me.

blind or optimistic

there is a fine line between choosing to be blind or just being optimistic.

today i went through alot and i realise that we may want to end things and live simply, but deep down we still want it and hope it doesnt end. whta irony i know.

but , to make things up, at least my FEMALE INSTINCTS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
some website told me to always trust my instinct instead to doubting it and act on it. WELL I ACTED ON IT ALRIGHT. and i am correct.

exposing someone and well, i felt disappointment but maybe after what melaine said, i have faith in you once again.

i will always hope that everything in the end will always be alright.
oh btw, i prayed to god to help me, or in a way to guide me to the correct path and i prayed that the other person would realise the faults the person made.

to instill guilt because its needed. our conscience will always sort of haunts us.

some things are left to be unseen and unsaid all for the better good.

DEAR GOD I PRAY TO YOU TO LET ME LIVE A BLISSFUL LIFE. IF I NEED NOT KNOW, DO NOT LET ME KNOW NOR LET ME SEE NOR LET ME REALISE ANYTHING. But if the bitterest truth is so essential, i pray that i can accept it and wipe my tears off and i have someone whom i can pour my sorrows to. because the sweetest lies can always cause a world of war inside me.

like the old saying goes:"what eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel"


JNZL

A prayer

What I learnt is that when I can look into no one anymore because they are insufficient , they taught me to look up to you.

I would like to say a heart felt prayer to you.

I pray that for all the sins I commuted, I pray for you to forgive me. For I am just a mortal who is also insufficient.

I pray that you give me the will the determination to study even thought have sinned and when I keep having flashbacks of regret, I pray to you that you would help me , guide me to see the light.

I also pray that no one around me has to go through what I did and I pray for their health and happiness no matter where they are or what they do .

I pray for you to help me face for what may come in the future. I pray that everything will be ok, also that they would not find fault and let it slide and that my parents would accept my mistakes.

Thank you for blessing me with friends that helped me overcome this. Although its not over but what my friend always say that everything happens for a reason, for what I can't see I know that it will always mean something.

Just that god, I am so afraid, I am pretty lost and I am hanging in suspense. Can't I just fast forward to the future?

Regret

I regret doing it. I always regret so many things. Today I think I could cry myself to death.

It's not love.

I don't know why I am so fucking impulsive and I need to move on because my next paper is tmr.

I can't bring myself to overcome this .
Mel said:" it's ok any problem has a solution to it, you are strong that's why the problem was given to you"
Just pray to god and everything will be ok.

I have Learnt

I have learnt to let go what makes me weaker. I have not Learnt to have the courage to end it myself.

So if you can't help me to be a better person, there is no point in making me feel bad and sad. Just do me a favour and end my sufferings for me.

Help me to be a happier person.

If you can't accept my all, then I am not sure if I can do anything more.

To accept someone , even if there is a limit, to accept one for all the flaws u hate or detest. To make yourself understand that this is who the person is. So the mentality should be like, "if the person changes , it's awesome, of the person doesn't change, it's ok because I have accepted the person for who the person is"

I always know That I am insufficient and I myself feel helpless too! People just don't know how helpless I really feel.

People always think that i don't want to change. But it's so hard. I wasn't given any encouragement . All I got was mere criticism and criticism can only get me that far.

Like if u keep telling me even though I tell u to stop, it's just make me feel that you don't really have the best interest for me.

Guide me, do not just know how to critise, guiding means showing the person the way it should be done and why. But if you just critise and not guide, how much help are you actually helping me?

These are my unspoken words which I can't communicate it to u. It makes me feel helpless because you don't understand.

People also always say that if you yourself are insufficient shouldn't u also not just critise people but help people ? Becase you yourself know how insufficient you are hence you also know how it feels like to be critised again and again and feel helpless. So how would you want people to help you? This is also the way that you should approach people.

He kept saying I am like a child like 5-10 years old, or that even a child would think better than me. It's so hurting and I always try to change. I need gentle reminders. I do not need scoldings.

But then again maybe some actions are meant to be. If everyone understood what they should do, the world would be perfect and the world is not . It would never be.

So I learnt from people,
They taught me that I need to self psycho myself by saying:"I am bigger than tht."
To nearly every bad thing.
I am bigger than people who hates on me. I am bigger than people who fails to understand Me. I am bigger than people who puts me down in life. I am bigger than that.

For people who fail to love me as a person as I am, I am bigger than that because I know I should accept how people think of me.

I should let go of the things I can't change and hang on to the things that I myself can change.

Because by doing this I can make myself feel better. I need to feel better because I only have one life to live and if I live in tears and sadness it would be just wasting my life.

I know what it means that in life , u need sufferings to enjoy the good things in life. But if I can personally choose to have more joy, isn't it stupid of me to choose pain?

But humans are so stupid. The truly wise ones may not exist. I am pretty sure lee bai is a sad person. But what else can I say?

In conclusion, I can say that if I finally think I deserve better then that's the time I would get what I deserve. LIKE LITERALLY.

My unsend sms

It's really so hard to talk to you because u simply do not understand my heart. When I am crying on the other side of the phone u simply just could not detect it and just said bye. I hate myself for not being able to sleep. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate for not being able to tell you what made me upset and I had to lie to u. I am just upset abt u but I can't tell u because I am simply afraid that you would be pissed off. I feel so stuffed up inside and deep down I need your loving care and concern and many long hugs. But again, I am afraid that I am appearing to be too needy and this will make u think that u have power over me. These are my contradictions in my life and this is the real and raw me. These are my true thoughts that I can't tell you because I am afraid. I don't understand why is it so hard to press this send button but afterall I know I am going to just delete this and post it on my blog and u will never know how I really felt. U know, girls sometimes are fragile with small issues which they themselves make it to a big issue.