confused

you know ppl always say when u find the right guy it comes to u naturally.

i am so puzzled with what life is trying to steer me to.
a path of self destruction or to a path of better happiness. every time i am waivered i always have my principals to stand by so therefore i am sort of safe i guess?

sometimes treating me like as if i will always be by ur side is kinda dangerous. even though u are always so eligible, in times like this, i just pray that you would treat me better.

treat me like as though you really love me. treat me like as if today might be our last . treat me right is it always that hard?
is it always hard to express what you really feel? or is it u are feeling so whatever . so u didnt realise that i became colder? like didnt u notice i am different now? i dont throw a big fuss when u have no time for me. be it too tired, too much work , no family time and so on. didnt u realise i just say ok? as in since when on earth am i so calm and composed. u know i know u wont change. deep down u know its hard for me to change too. sometimes u hold the upper hand so i got to shut the hell up and let u win. but why is it me tht must change? why arnt u changing dam it. u have no right to tell me to change if u cant even change urself for me. what happen to the two way thing.

sometimes, its so scary thinking how everything would change . how i would be deceived for life and i wouldnt even notice it.as in i give u the benefit of doubt tht u are tired tht day.

so the real qn is , are u really prepared to give ur everything to me?

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my god dam dad is always asking me to slim down.
ok fine lena too.

ok now i am doing something abt it.
so i was thinking.

if i become slimmer and pretty will ppl love me more? will i hv more chances of having the upper hand and become the one the chooses instead always feeling like i am always on the chopping board.
so if i am prettier will u treasure me more, but why only treasure me more when i become pretty? why cant u treasure me more when i am at my ugliest. so if i become prettier i will be wilder i will attract more guys, then u will feel more protective of me? if i become prettier will u treat me better? will u listen to me more? will u be happier because u can show me off to ur friends? am i such a disgrace now?so i am always thinking. if i am prettier, yes ppl will respect me more,yes ppl will love me more yes ppl will treasure me more and yes ppl will want me more and yes ppl will listen to me more and yes i will be more powerful.

and ppl always asking me why the hell am i not changing for myself but for others. u know i am so tired of explaining.
isnt obvious. i want ppl to treasure me more i want ppl to love me more i want ppl to respect me more i want ppl to want me more and not make me feel like as if i am some kns outcast or some person who can be thrown here and ther or some person who can be made used of. because i want all these i need to be prettier.



JNZL