mixed of anxiety

today shawn tutored me on normal distribution.

he was scary and set my heart thumping in a scary way.

those eyes of his when he cant believe i dont know, it seems so familiar to rq when he taught me organic chem..

all was under control until he said:

"joey can you please put in more effort"

in a soft but yet sharp tone which i will never forget.

it sound so caring yet i dunno why it felt as though someone just hit the raw nerve .

felt like someone grip my heart.

i couldnt really breathe for the 10 mins he tutored me and voices came back.

they said: u suck joey. still not wetting ur pants yet? still dunno this kinda basic elementary stuff? still want to give yourself excuses by saying u have not studied? are u even ashamed ?

do u even know what is shame?

and it echoed all they way from sch to bus to hm to tv to now...

i think i deserve it.

some will say" told u so"

btw, i love one phrase so much, tht it just cant get out of my head, its from his blog actually.
[we all stumble after-all]

i dun think he reads this anw, cause too busy with work i guess.......

JNZL