beauty and the liar?

blood maybe thicker than water but it is harder to clean up when spilled.

at the end of the day,its those who know our secrets and still accept us for who we are, are the ones we can finally be our true self.

but the thing is who to tell? you may never know who has knives and who doesnt. i just feel like the whole world is judging me for whom i choose to be with. i cant bear to let ppl know the other dark half.

they always said live life simply. but how is it that i can do that? the things i discovered thru myself is still a question mark? but why do i have to care? 

people say the decisions in your life makes who you become. so till then, just let me enjoy life as i should. w/o caring the eyes of others.

JNZL

Love frm ppl

Always know that you are loved. Thanks for being there. Words can't explain but I felt it :)

it always gets back me back to where i started out.

intheendjustlikewhatialwaysknewallalong.nomatterhowmanyguystherearenomatterhowmanymaymovemyheartnomatterhowmanythereare,itsjustlikegravityandifeellikeasinner.

becauseofallthepromisesimadetomyselfallbecomesinvalidwhenilookintheyesoftheotherandrealisethereisnodeeperloveicanevershareandthismayverywellbemylifelongscar.

takecare.
JNZL

2011. goodbye.

this year has been full of ups and down and of course since this is joey ng zi lin, it means drama never cease and so therefore like what rq said: if my life were to made into a documentry it would never be boring.

so i changed rls status, broke off from my old mean and selfish self and became a better person in whole, and i learned to be independent, in fact i can safely say i am SUPER INDEPENDENT IT SCARES ME.

its good of course and i learned that even if people were to be mean towards you , doesnt mean i have to be mean towards them back. its really sincerely their lost. i gave all i cld and everything i cld when people need me because i expect great things from myself. honestly of course i always have high expectations from my close friends but i realised that there is no point in doing that because it will always lead to dissapointments and therefore just be great yourself. karma gets back real fast, as told by cpl.

but having losing friends which hurts me of course, i gained friends who are willing to stand by me in times when people gossip about me, say awful UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT ME, bitch abt me and basically they hate me.

the awesome part is when i dont even talk to them. ikr, their heads just keep forming images of me. hence ppl who are not close to me may believe in their tales and hence i naturally have a bad image. BUT, with friends to stand by me and approve of who i am which apparently is a sweet and nice and ooopss loud and ooops vulgar girl. loll. 2 sides of me sorry!

the time when ppl, leave me because of their gf, the time when ppl backstab me because.. i dunno why.
so i became very hardworking and of course trying to change my old habit of being late and not running.

i started to realise ard me that ppl are actually turning worse because of their rls and they are just so blinded. just like the past of me.

i grew wiser and smarter and learn to behave appropriately with different grp of ppl.
i also realise all my own heartaches are to be unknown to ppl and therefore cryin in slience.

i am easily upset by ppl actions.
and this december was really an unpleasant one.

my father lectured me on why i had to take up so many tuitions and why am i taking so many things at one go and nv lose weight. the thing is money makes my world go round. to be poor makes me feel so restricted and i dont want that. i also never ask for extra pocket money and i earned everything by myself.

i thought it was a good thing, you know working till exhausted. i pay everything myself.
my BJJ classes, my driving and all my taxi expenses.

all these need money. you think i want to work? lol dont be ridiculous.
so when he said all that i was really tearing up but of course no one saw. esp my little bro. i must keep this big sis is awesome image.

so of course naturally when i didnt get any christmas gifts i was also upset. like i wasnt expecting much. maybe a small one wld suffice. but no.... nth.

they cld buy things for relatives but i received nth. they cld go on tours but i got nth.
but however dad mentioned he cld give me vouchers on jan which totals up to :$$$
but, why cannot give daughter smthing on christmas lei.

i am all abt fairness but i can feel that i wasnt really welcomed by my s.m. when i asked if they had anything on for christmas but i cldn't go because i didnt know anyone there.

the truth is everyone started out by nt knowing anyone right? so maybe i was a shame or disgrace to her, so i had to be covered. i wasnt even in the family photo or in this case any photos. my dad was asking me to go over but since she responded so negatively of course i had to offer and said its ok i didnt wanna go. its all kept inside my heart and it still pains me to type it all out here because i cldnt tell anyone. like wtf .

you see, being fat will make u an outsider in my family. seriously speaking, i have to look pretty and slim and basically being a miss pretty and of course intelligent person.

so when this made me being ostracized in my family, i just kept silent. oh please , my dad even points to me and kept saying that i was super fat to all my relatives that came for christmas eve dinner.

like could i be more insulted? like even the relatives also dunno what to reply back.
u see? family my ass la.

I AM ALWAYS INSULTED AND MENTAL ABUSED PLEASE. I FEEL SO WORTHLESS AND SO USELESS AND SO DISGUSTED OF MYSELF.

I swear if i wasnt strong, i cld have suffered trauma.

so yeah, there were more down than ups but everyone has their own problems. i have to solve them by myself and you know , its always for the best.

at least my dad cares right? think optimistically and life is still good.
people still love me and i can feel that they care.

for example, you.

ps: btw w.t, happy birthday. so some reason i will never ever forget urs.

JNZL

don't come near me

stay a distance, don't move until i tell you to. dont move until i do, till then let's keep our worlds parallel and never intersect. maybe a tangent would be fine but in case you decided to integrate , i would probably disintegrate and maybe then, i would find my minimum variance and pull out. because our correlation coefficient is close to negative one and our covariance is high.
JNZL

too far in

first i didnt cared. then i tried to ignore. next i made up hundreds of excuses .
but when the first fake blow came, i realised i let you in too far in to my heart and brain.

how did you even got in w/o my consent.
but i do know that this has no end. hahaha really i truly do. maybe i just wanted to be really nice because u kind of deserved it. or maybe this whole thing came about because i pitied you.

whatever it is, its got to end. =)

JNZL

:( 15 dec 2011

It's almost 12 so here I shall conclude my day. It is simply not my day at all. Lost all games to little bro, dad nv give me anything I guess and this year is my first year no one sang a bday song to me. We Lao I think back alrdy wanna cry. Lena wanted to give me a bag but just asked me to take the bag on the chair if I liked it. So not sincere and in the end I also refuse to take it .

Idiot dad so screwed up. I don't ever want to talk to him ever again. Or maybe just be hostile. Go china with family nv inform me, never come out to congratulate me . Just anyhow say frm the computer room. Worse, little bro also say he realized dad never give me anything. Cb I not
Materialistic lor. I just want a sincere wrapped up gift and a card like every other bday also like asking too much. I am feeling so stuffed up inside because this 20th birthday sucks so much! Just nice all my friends can't get away with their commitments then can't have a dinner or lunch with me. There is one asked me go Fridays but not close so feel awkward. Go china nv buy me gifts also. What is this !!

Brother also dunno how to let me win on my bday is it must fight to win .

And I have to act like I am totally cool abt it. Who knew i was so upset inside.

Not to mention my heels killed me. Anyway, I ate at hawker centre chicken rice when I asked two girls out. Like really refuse to be on my own on my bday. And I saw that idiot D waiting at the busstop. The one who stabbed my back a millions time never even have the conscience to wish me. IDIOT STILL DARE TO APPROACH MY GRP MATE TO ASK ABT PROJECT. Idiot, when she said all info with me why no balls come ask me personally is it.

Ya so I am now back at home again my mom pisses me off max. And I feel so upset inside. I think on this birthday no one got me any wrapped up thoughtful present .

Epic fail

hearts

爱真的让人盲目了：
就像我们接吻的时候都闭上眼睛一样的盲目


its how amazing hearts connect w/o one realising.
its how amazing how you can feel something which you simply can't explain. maybe that is why people die for love. =/


JNZL

Silly

Silly me. Nothing last forever hence nothing really matters.

So lies really doesn't matter. When I looked up to the nice blue sky I realized that what's really important is to really live life to its fullest. It doesn't matter if that person did anything.

Since nothing really lasts forever , why do I have to be so sensitive . Why can't I just be happier and just enjoy what I can enjoy.

Why must I be so upset abt things that are not going to be life threatening.

We lie only once right so live it better . Why must I choose to be upset. Why must I give things the power to make me upset.

I have grown a little more for now.
:)

just a white lie?

i am just upset that there could be a possibility that i got lied to! when all i did was to trust. however, this gave me an opportunity to open up my eyes and to learn to never be naive. believe in only half that you hear, for you may never know if that it is real. seeing is believing and that cant be more true when google exists and when you are famous and its all online. why did u lie?

so that i could picture you better? so that you will have a better chance? but deep down its a mixture of disbelief and dissapointment. Maybe its my fault i tried to make friends? but i swear i didn't know you are like so famous. (0_0)

its like the same thing as you won't even know who park shi hoo is until u start to watch korean dramas. same thing. so u thought i would never find out?

its just fate or destiny that just so happens i went to twitter and found some info which is not exactly the same as you told me. So the detective in me sprung out and delve deeper into your background.

for any reasons that you lied, i would be ok if you wld come clean with me. i am now even suspecting if anything was real at all. But then again, i shouldnt even bother right since i would deny you even if everything was true.

i just don't like lies. that's all. i shall not let my findings ruin the fun part of human interaction. i still respect you as how i should. just that, that aside, i will have second thoughts abt any other things else. sorry.


like her voice! =)

its nth related to me okay. sparks fly? ya, my brain fly more likely.
JNZL

my cheeks are numb frm smiling to myself

yes, i do have a sweet ,pretty and cute side. Yes, i am not a lesbian ,yes i am a girl afterall.

i feel so silly, i am about to die of laughing internally.

to learn to understand the meaning of not having is actually having, and to have something, will risk the chance of losing.

to think about the number of males, to think about how funny this is, to think about life?
this is a joke! life is a joke omgee

its a kind of laughter which produces when you are laughing to urself in the bus, smiling from ear to ear anywhere just by imagining, thinking about the future, thinking about how awesome one can transform.

is this a joke? because when i finally realise that to not want something, to not yearn for something, to not be obsessed with something, to not make something become my world (well money excluded), makes something just comes to me.

when i was so gaga, so mad, so crazy, such a believer, its seem tht god is funny!
like am i a saint now since i no longer crave for love? no longer crave for males? no longer caring if i am not ur type and just be natural and go along with the flow. its really weird how males are wired.

one thing for sure, woman are wired the opposite!
my birthday, as long as i get ang baos and money . its ok if i didnt really get to celebrate. and the fact that i have exams on 20th and 21st!

but u know what its ok!
haha my 5 years old wallet is so worn out!
anw, $$ is needed for my driving lessons, $60 per circuit. T^T
my gi (jiujitsu uniform) $150 omgee.
my thai boxing gloves ($50 and above)
my sports shirts, sport bras? LOL


AND BTW, the above information doesnt indicates i am attached or anything. i welcome good drama in my life though, since what's life w/o drama right? but pls god, enhance my earning capability.

i was an easy girl... not anymore. wth right, with age i shld be an easy girl. haha life is simply unpredictable

oh and er, of course the preserved memory of lying safely in one's arms is still the best feeling ever.
OH! my stomach is flatter than before, like i am serious. and nope i did not diet. and nope i didnt run.

i just jiujitsu-ed.
maybe because my muscles ache really bad, i dont have the appetitde.
or simply my workload is HIGHER THAN MT KINABALU right now.

always wished to watch movies i like. but ..........(*_*)

loves hearts although i always wonder why ppl started drawing hearts like that. arnt they suppose to look like a fist shape with blood and vessles very where? well, imagine that on ur cards , status and stuff. it wont be romantic anymore. just kidding!

i know what you are thinking. sorry that isnt my sibling. as a matter of fact i looked like a boy! so treasure ur own pretty photos and laugh at mine. but as u all know me i am optimistic. hey at least ppl dont get to say what happened to my face right? or did i evolve into some weird creature. 

here's another photo! well, i guess its alright to keep posting same pose picutres with different effects since my birthday is nearing right. 15 dec feels so soon! its creepy! BOO! 20 YEARS OLD! i wished i was this age when i was 12! oh well told u life is a joke!

JNZL

Mr tofu

The noble love of a guy, ditching his overseas studies for a girl and never ever let her know . Now that's a man. Tell me how not to be impressed with tofu head. Idiot GF go break up with him because got no feelings anymore. _|_

until the day i get married, i can nv fulfill this wish

after watching ojakgyo brothers.

it just seems like yesterday when the time i first dropped tears when i ate at my friend's ai hui house. they were having dinner and i joined them, eating scallops with rice and soup and some other dishes.

it wasnt because the food was outstanding but because their family was too warm and close-knited that even their family dinner feels so warm. i was filled with a mixture of sadness and something else.
knowing that, i swear i will be a responsible parent when i get married and have a child. and have 4 kids!

well, that is if i would want to be in one anw, since i have learnt rls brings the worst out of me. nth good came out or rather i turned into a selfish bitch and ya da ya da. maybe i am just not meant to be in one. everything good just disappears. all my good points just vanished and of course so came the bad points.
JNZL

god

sometimes i think god takes too much credit for the things in life we humans work hard for. when things get down we cant blame god.  because they say god gives us hardship to appreciate things in life or to become a better self. yeah right that only happens if you are able to pick yourself up from ur own pitfall.
JNZL

Alvin

december reminds me of so many things! well except that this december my workload is twice because sch is still ongoing. dam. 

presents, christmas, birthdays, celebrations, mid sem exam, assignments , stress, weight and some muay thai. =)

while typing this post half way, alvin teo was dam random, like me , and asked me to call him. SG TIME :6AM.

newcastle time: 10+pm -__-

but it was so awesome because he have this special line that when i call him i only pay SG rates! LOL. he was so poor thing luh. he say he give his number to so many ppl but no one call him to ask him how is he.

if you are wondering, he is currently studying medicine. this werido call me and read thru extra readings at the same time. LOL, his power of multi-tasking is seriously of a higher level. maybe he has more brain curvatures then me?

hahaha but he told me he was coming back on my birthday which is 15th of dec. so he had to rush out some things i guess. like who doesn't.

but the funny part was when we were talking abt his friends there. apparently sg only mix with SG. hence its true that the jordy's only party and drink alcohol all the time. he mentions that the jordy's ppl must have a flaw in their system. this kind of screwed up ppl also can enter. haha.

JNZL

:(

사랑에 빠지지 않을 래요
JNZL

its IU old song. MIA. i cant upload the mv . its ok u can youtube it.

 all i can say is that work saved me.it makes everything blurred and makes time pass fast.

JNZL

Deillusioned

When someone is trying the best to pull u back to reality, accept the facts and move on.

But when u keep trying to be stubborn even though the Facts are there and when everything is already on the table and u still have to deny then u are escaping reality

U kept saying that he is not such a person. Even when he confessed everything to me.

What to do. I give up telling u nicely.
Sometimes ppl drown themselves in a world which they WANT to live in. Is it too cruel for me to pull u out before u keep sinking in deeper?

He played u but since u refused to believe and keep cooking up reasons to protect ur image of him, what can I do right? I already did my part.

U are stubborn and don't wish to
Listen to anyone advice and keep giving excuses which u always say is not excuses. Being deluded what else can I do right? :(

I feel sad and wonder if this is how people get mental when the person confess their wrong in front of the person.

Yeah, just let her live in her own world then. At least she is living :)

its ok

its rather amazing.
old ones moved on. new ones come.

=D its ok, no point trying too hard. anyway, i am happy right now with so many friends caring for me. its ok, i tell myself. life IS LIKE THAT. no point grumbling and not loving whatever you have now just because u are sad that u lost the past things.

no point wondering why it turned out this way, no point wondering if everything would be fine. because everytime i wonder, i always feel sad?

shld i?
doesnt matter, when ppl need favours they will come directly to u. let's see, who stayed?
oh crap. its just ...

DOESNT MATTER, like what ppl always say, if god wants them out of your life, think twice before chasing them back into your life because u may never know if they meant well anw.


JNZL

those hidden thoughts which are hidden from you

my drama ost!


dear diary,
i am a very hardworking girl who is motivated to do all my work independently and require no one to push me nor anyone needed to accompany me. i accomplished one of my life goals which is to be dependent on no one for self achievement.

forallthetimeforallthetearsiamthankfuligottogothroughyourupsanddownsbecauseitsnottrueifonlyitwasforthegoodtimes.

but i would be happier if i cld slim down now. LOL. cooking ramen while typing this. -__-

JNZL

melanine ronald and cherry chocs

 after LAUGHING LIKE GILA with melaine on viber it just makes me so happy and miss those random calls from friends just to talk and laugh. doesnt matter when or if u have no topic to talk about.

this is my most HUMAN MOMENT. we were talking literally nonsense. but these nonsense will be memories which will always be in my mind. laughing is destressing laughing relieves you from many things. makes u a much more happier or crappy funny person.

dragon = no brains.
i always laughed with my tutees about funny stuff. life shld be treated seriously but in times when you are so caught up with studies or work. laughing at anything is just better than nothing.

after those laughing moments, i watched so many youtubes. inkigayo and updates frm my subscribes.
i am loving this sad emo nemo song.
maybe its the impossible that makes the heart breaks. maybe its the fear of losing something which you treasure which doesnt even belongs to you makes my heart sinks a little. maybe its the fear of being sunk in thoughts that makes me study so hard. maybe its the longing that i fear so i choose to escape and not thinking about it. maybe its the fear of all of them tgt may just as well eat me inside out so therefore, i always put all my thoughts on hold and been escaping .

i never ever wanted to escape this much in life. the usual occupy urself with work and never feel sorry for yourself. in life there are always irrtational thinking which may just ruin oneself and the rationale part may just refuse to sink in no matter how irrational the thoughts are. thoughts are just thoughts and dreams are really non existent.

if all i could ask for was a wish. i would wish that i had wiser when i was younger, now and forever.
because the wise ones always always always know what to do. cherry chocs =)
JNZL

a penny for your thoughts? how abt a wig?

in this era, I DISCOVERed. ACTUALLY getting PERFECT HAIR is as easy as 1-2-3

step 1: buy wig
step2: wear wig
step 3: show off.

i found out a shop that sells these awesome wigs! hassle free and next time when i go work. sorry hor. WILL always wear wig. u think i dun want to sleep more ah. got time to blow hair, style hair and not called messy?! nah.. stick to new methods la.

and not like SUPER EXPENSIVE like $200 or what. its affordable to me! shall do that 8 mths later.
-__- now studying no guys to attract so no need so ma fan.

ANYWAY
my dad just gave me an ultimatum.
either i weigh in of 58kg 8 mths later or else he refuses to pay my last sem sch fees. LIKE WTF?!
so i am stressed up all over again and thus leads to bleeding.

I AM DAM STRESS. u just dont understand what kind of predicament i am in. exercise everyday. got so easy or not. arghH! i need a wig. like NOW. -_-

my bday present all just buy me a wig can? sms me la then i tell u where to buy. hehehehehe.
JNZL

frog bloop bloop

i am in a swimming fever right now and i really take swimming into an interesting sports. btw i have successfully learned breast stroke in one day! AWESOME RIGHT. it was because i wanted to be independent and really not lie on ppl for strength to do sports and be a self-motivator.

i talk like i am some adam khoo big ass person. lol no la its just lena who reminds me constantly that by relying on friends to join u just so u move ur ass to work out isnt really gonna help since friends and u have different schedules so just go do it urself you know.

and so i did. went to the swimming pool alone for the first time and did mini 30 laps. so 40mins i was done with it. and since i was in a calm mood i hate splattering water. -__- so i need the calm frog style movements and it so happens to be the one that burns fats the most, second of butterfly of course. SCREW BUTTERFLY. and i enjoyed it because its so quiet u see.

so since literally i dun think anyone really wants to teach me how to propel myself, since each man for his own you know.

i did my own googling and found out that you need to close ur feets faster, dun bobble ur head (excessive movements) . i didnt even know need to close feet lor wtf. since this is my 3rd time swimming i consider myself quite successful since i swam 25 competition laps. its fucking long PLEASE. i was sad tht ppl can propel themselves faster and i like move like a snail.

so ppl swim one lap finish i still half a lap. (no one taught me pls) my only lesson was when i was primary 3, 4 my father taught me twice. -_____- 

OF COURSE MY MUSCLES ACHE LIKE WANNA DIE. NO JOKE. ask mom buy muscle cream she say: what is muscle cream i never see or heard of it before.

but she bought it before pls. fml.

irritated max. so anw, i shall swim and run . after swimming eat apple. BO BIAN. than drink one small cup of hot milo. FUCK MILO ALSO CANNOT DRINK WANT ME DIE IS IT.

so sad lor when i posted on fb and my friend immediately commented that because i drank one cup on milo all my efforts are wasted.

HE EVEN SAY women fat can say pregnant but man hard to decieve others.

i want to bitch slap him but i know he doesnt really mean it. STILL!!! 

so gonna be nice and eat proper dinner sleep well exercise well .

oh swimming makes u gain muscles . 0.0 to burn fats la but.... AI YA IF i always exercise no need worry muscles turn to fats right.. see i always very positive .

JNZL

ya da ya da

november is here. sch sem ends and by nov 8 , my new sem wld have started.
this time round the modules are getting harder, forseen headaches.

with november comes pressure. my dad has been yaking non stop .
ok next.  i really wanna buy new specs lei. stop taking taxi start waking up early keep exercising. ppl say losing weight is addictive. ok wait till i get to tht stage then i will inform u.

i wanna buy pretty clothes for sch. =( i wanna buy new bag for sch =( i wanna buy new shoes for sch =( i wanna -__- fine shall start with new specs.
JNZL

Destiny's Child - Emotion

words of a broken heart.

its just emotions taking me over.

caught up in sorrow, lost in a song.

nobody in this world.
JNZL

realize.

exams soon to be over, sch would start a week after.
going to start accomplishing my list and i just realise i am always stuck in the same old position. ok maybe i moved forward a little but i am always wish deep deep deep REALLY DEEP down that some of my happy moments are linked to you.

heart quivers and because i am having large hormonal imbalance due to menses. even though i really ate lots of evening primrose oil capsules to prevent this. but it seems it doesnt work.

the unbelieveable thing is that because i started to hear the song "realize" and i just touched a raw nerve plus some other factors which leads to me just bursting out in true blue emotions. like as if really needed to hit on center towards my left side of the chest to have me breathing again.

Its not that i am stuck in the past, or just u know cling. YOU JUST dont understand this mashed up feeling. feels like this cruel destiny or fate of mine. something along that line.

its like why didnt i .... or i should have.... or i really didnt know.

now tht i know , i really pushed the limit so much so that its really a no brainer why it all went the way it went. this is the time when i really REALLY i dunno.. cant say its a regret since i didnt know better or i didnt mature yet.

why must happen the way it is? and why do i keep having malay guy friends surrounding me. IT PISSES ME OFF and I WANT TO POINT A MIDDLE FINGER ALRDY. like WHERE ARE THE CHINESE MALES. not racist just IRRITATED.  MALAY PEOPLE, PLEASE DONT COME MAKE FRIENDS WITH ME ANYMORE. out of X only 1 made the mark.

its just in your blood to be "RELAC RELAC" (MALAY SLANG) irritates me too.
so u all can go DO THAT and i will really dont give a shit because... AI YA, whats wrong with liking hardworking ppl huh or even being one?

so many reasons ppl give me.
M just says he's like that, dont find a reason why he had to strive harder. * he is 30yrs old hor*
the other wld probably just say not everybody is the same. -__-
N would be because he tried but just don't like it, why must work so hard lei why cannot just chill la.

and many more ppl with the same reasons. which is dont find a need to. see.  TOLD YOU ITS JUST THEM.

just like china people, MOST of them would be uncalled for, just saying.
JNZL

reaching limit

haha funny times with my tutee who studied overnight with me!

tic toc tic toc tic and more tocs.

panic mode of me .

i always have this fucking bad habit. when i am too stressed out my body, or rather metally i would RESIST TO STUDY.

totally absurb right? i was sleeping sleeping and just doing things not related to study. a scenario wld be i canceled my tuition but still not studying, woke up at 9am but nv studied. its not procrastination. i was simply, rebeling. till the extent that i know i am asking for it.

oh exams really screw me up!

its 745pm now and i am going to shower and wash MY hair. YUCKS.

i am going to study alone but if luck is on my side, christabel may just join me for the long winding night at the airport at t1 starbucks. hoky cow its sunday! i hope those sch kiddos are not there anymore since tmr is a sch day!

=)))))))

i can do this .i got this shit so i must calm the freak down.

JNZL

Things after 31st October

Things I will do :
1:sign up for muay Thai or the other course

2: buy more sports bra (oops explicit)

3: cut my fringe . (got the photos Liao)

4: keep running more

5: stock up on fruits

6: buy pumps or wedges ( omg money depleted alrdy)

7: but new hamsters and freak my mom out ;)

8: constantly put masks.

9: find new tuition assignments

10: save up money for my ray ban spectacles. :( dun think will hav money alrdy

twinkle twinkle trickle tears

when i just felt all choked , i just cldnt stop the sobering and i had to do it silently.

just like those stars, twinkles twinkles.

this time i just had no one to share it with. i was like stuck with no options i guess. dont want to be insulted that i am weak currently and didnt think ppl know how it feels.

it was a stress reliver which is necessary unless i cld scream but silent screams are always the loudest . 

envy not. make the most i have and preserve the ones i lost.

fate decides what i'll face, but i decide how it will go.

since i am struggling all my conflicts internally, i am just glad someone helped me along .

maybe he heard my silent tears when i was choked with them. when i cldn't produce any sound w/o sounding like i am havin an asthma attack. when all i cld say was just these few words, he understood well.

i always trust my intuition, its like  gift to me. its always right, until i pause and analysis and make the decision then it will turn out wrong.

believe that all negative hurdles are there for me to overcome which i will anyway.

like as if i had a choice. because i would always remember the teachings. 

"You will never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have"

JNZL

sincere abt losing weight

i checked out this webbie.
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/following-a-cardio-plan-for-weight-loss.html

lol whatever , i know its dummies.com but, i got my info i needed. i am so not the person to go aerobic dance. -___- i dunno la but for me dance this kind of thing not my cup of tea.
so i went to see it says

Boxing

165

330

495

660

so technically 1 hr burn 660 kcal.
so why not, i got sign up for boxing classes. 

ok fine i know i am already very super violent as of now. but, need to lose weight ma, i also cannot afford to go to swim cause i can't swim 35yards/min. pls, i 1 min have not even reach the opposite side. -__-

so not a good idea. cycle at 18mph for 1hr. u want me to die is it. later i cant walk to sch then how.
and i got no car so cant climb bukit timah hill very often. left with kayaking. -__- i got no cert because i bang the instructor. so screw tht too because i dun want to look like indian.

in-line skating. i tried my best. i cannot go fast enough w/o banging into ppl. basketball? lol u get my point la.

so i research on boxing for females and muay thai popped out. although it truly reminded me of tht particular someone but a wise man once said, leave the past behind and look forward.

so .. i saw this!
http://www.bxgfitness.com/contact.html

under courses got this lei.
Student For the younger generation
For those aged between 13-20 years of age who follow the same curriculum as the group programs above but at a time-slot specially dedicated to teenagers.
Fees: $200.00* | 10 sessions x 90 minutes


although i know I JUST REACHED 20 THIS YR ON DEC. but technically i am still 19 wad.
STRESS.


so i thought of signing up for it after my exams! since its only at paya lebar mrt, why not right.


$200 for ten sessions lei. 1 4 tuitions can settle alrdy.
so it is worthwhile la because i am committed to go ma right..


=) will get back to this topic again once my timetable for next sem comes out and once my next sem starts. =)


although its no contact la, but still can punch ma. =)
JNZL

When the going get tough, the tough gets going

Today I ran 5.31km within an hr. I know it isn't anything to boast but it is a stepping stone for me. To be able to run tht distance just by myself and to run one hr. Tht is really my first. Well public Nike all those 5, 10km runs don't count cause got so many ppl running beside u, u will eventually run with them. Today I used mind over
Body power. I am so proud of myself and I deserve a pat on my back. I also filled up my water container and placed it in the fridge so that I cld drink it when I am thirsty. Michelle Phan said tht cold water can make u burn more fat because the body needs to use more energy to cool it down. But I also must drink in caution because my Asthma is currently back and cold drinks may trigger it.

I believe if i really work hard enough, i may really find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. :)

Oh today I went to SMIGGLE at dobhy ghaut there and bought $70++ worth of items. Of course $35 worth of gifts to melaine Ronald as her bday present on 10oct. And to shan shan for children's day gift. Plus still must buy Berwin, Lena and dad gifts. Sian must quickly earn more $$$. But this exp shopping haul is due to me not shopping for 4mths or more.

Oh I am joining NIKE sg 10KM run on 09.10.11 another reason for me to run. Calvin, Azam , Joanna are going! I saw wei Jie frm my JC class there too! But he said he wasn't going. Haha! Saw his Gf? Too? Lol!

near impossible

Find your passion in life. Find and enjoy the things you WANT to do that make the things you MUST do worth while.

Iwanttobeaweddingdressdesigner.ificanttheniwanttobepartoftheaction,buthowcaniaccomplishthisdream?

i wish for you to realise how i felt

dearest intended person. i miss you so much! i don't know how to tell u this but i really do get jealous when u dun communicate with me often and me seeing u communicating with others so freely makes me jealous.

=( i am a jealous girl.
and ps: the person is not a male. -___- and i am not a lesbian.

JNZL

i really can't sleep

i am in big trouble. i have insomnia. i swear i toss and turn and did exercise but i still cant freaking sleep.

i have been dreaming nightmares recently.

recently as in yest i dreamt tht i was some sort of zombie where u get infected and become a "zombie" but still act like a normal human being but u wld just want to infect others. sounds like a movie but i forgot the name.

so there is this tube coming out from my chest like some cancer patient. OMG. and my task is to kill my husband. so i had to throw yellow liquid in the injection tube and just like throwing darts. i dunno why. i have been dreaming of these kind of injections things lately.

must be the trauma of drawing blood and the stupid doc didnt console me.

screw him.

the last dream i had was i had to inject 4 blue liquid into my four fingers just because i made myself the test subject to test for medication. WTF IS THIS.

and there was a commando who commands me to run up century sq stairs. -__-

i am so afraid of sleeping nowadays tht i require ppl to comfort me tht i will have sweet dream.

how come there isn't any. and my hair / scalp smells weird when i scratch it. must be the sebum over produce due to stress.

i am under alot of unnecessary stress right now.

when ever i am on my bed i would always wish there wld be someone that wld sleep beside me. not just anyone of course but the ppl whom i wish to share my sleeping space with.

like it would help with my insomnia because i would feel "safe" and sleep peacefully.

nowadays i cant help but feel tht something feels wrong. i cant confirm it because i cannot interrogate my friends right. oh and i feel jealous too. BIG BIG BIG TIME.

i feel jealous because i felt left out. like how come tht person isn't communicating to me on her own? like i always have to try to initiate something. as u can see its not a guy problem. i felt like i am always the EXTRA. like i am not needed in her world anymore. i hate this feeling. really.

felt to me like D. how she went off just like tht. 

don't leave me behind pls? =(((((

feeling really lousy now. like really lousy. this feeling have been going on since quite long alrdy. just thtat i didn't want to bring it up on my blog. but i felt tht this is also the reason of my insomnia.

and i really feel like i missed out on something. can't really confirm but i have this HUGE HUNCH tht tells me i am right. feels like the person is dodgy like cannot give me straight forward answers. i think maybe because the person got other friends to share so don't need me already. 

JNZL

stress

right now i am STRESS
When i am stress i simply either focus or die.


really. and its the same stress as i face when i am having a major exam like a lvl.
i am so stress because there is so many things i need to understand , digest and puke out in exams in 4 weeks time and there is of course project which consists of 20% and the grp members are not auto matic enough.


i am so stress. tmr i wish to complete 3 major things.
finish my slides. (which is alot because i have to read the whole dam chapter) the lect slides are fucking useless.


study for my fin international. which is mother fucking tough.


all the swaps and what not.


lastly, i have to do my tutorial for my managerial.


and for my ITB all those essays . omg i dunno where to start.
finishing finance international is actually a really really big thing. tutorials to understand and be done , lect to be understood and be done. gosh.
not to metion my fin analysis (excel) exam is on oct 11. WTF


i always want to say i can do it independently. i need help. i need support. i totally need encouragement. what not right. i am like this.


plus my appedtitde is fucking annoying me. i am a glutton ever since i became stress. and ITS GETTING FAR WORSE. i got to stock up on healthy things to bite. like FRUITS. i can only think of tht. -__-


snack bars yucks.
stock up on veg? but wtf i dont cook.
cut  down on carbo. dam mother keep stuffing me rice. wa piang. i just love rice. u cannot put a mountain of rice and expect me not to finish it. even if i have to stuff it in i wld.


so i always had to scoop away rice before i start eating. really. like throw it in the rubbish bin so it becomes inedible.


my sly mom wld leave those rice behind and when i am hungry in the middle of the night, i wld eat on tht. wth. is she my step mom or what.
when i am stress i wld feel disorientated, feel out of place, feel fat, feel disgusted, no confidence.


i wld pluck my hair till it hurts, i wld scratch my head till it hurts, i wld sleep till my head hurts and i wld watch drama till i can't take it anymore.


fuck my life. fuck myself.
fuck this fuck that. i need to get hold of myself . i need to calm the fuck down.


JNZL

the funny thing i just discovered thanks to me visiting R fb and saw some of his pic.
when i saw something identical to what i have, it made me recall the past.

after i took out my treasure box. ya. it is really the shape of a treasure box, constructed the crystal pieces during work time at CIMB.
it contains all of my C.R.

so i took it out and wore them one by one. of course i loved the last one.
the funny thing is that it is the only C.R. that has engravings.

all these yrs, i didnt want to have any engravings and just when i wanted to have an engraved item, we did it.

but vvvvv shortly later, i cldn't wear it anymore.
i was thinking, what was the person thinking when we bought it tgt. because the situation was suppressed till my examinations were over.

was it really intended to be my last gift when picking it? was it already over when we bought it? was there anything at all when we bought it? did the person really wanted to buy it? was it being forced?

somehow, the answer rang through my head. it is as though i already knew what went thru the person mind.

i felt cheated. is it just all false , just a show?
this sucks big time.

='(
JNZL

candle light

like a candle light, it glows dimly and makes you warm.

gentle as it may seem, it burns things.

just as irony, if you were to quickly pinch or swipe ur finger across it, u will not get burnt.
as such, it depicts life too.

some people, as long as you get to know them a little, it doesn't burn you no matter what the future holds. however if you were to stick ard for long, then the actions of these ppl you chose to place them in your life would have an impact on you regardless how positive or negative it may be.

ppl always say choose your friends and partners carefully. but how careful you may be, you'll just never know when things might take a detour and in the end you wished you didn't know them at all.

so its actually fate that you may suffer these consequences. however the severity of these consequences would be entirely up to you.

just like the candle, if it hurts, pull back immediately and your wounds wld be minimal. continue to put ur finger there and ur finger will be burnt.

so its not whether you should choose wisely or not. but rather you should react wisely.
however again, humans are the irony of life. even if it hurts they wld rather stay that way. so who is it to say who is more foolish?

because fools are intelligent people who minds heart over mind.
so are they fools? are you a fool?
JNZL

nice meeting you.

sometimes, when u are unsure about urself, heaven sends someone to cheer you up and make you feel beautiful all over again.

because there are a category of people who are just pure minded and they are honest.
so while waiting for the train heading to east line at paya lebar, this person walked up to me and although he did startled me a little. i thought he was crazy or pervert.

but soon i realise he was under this category of ppl. and i took out my beats and heard what he had to say.
he was telling my dress was pretty and i am pretty and beautiful. i felt weird so i politely mouthed the words thank you with no sound at all . so after a while later when i finally registered what the heck just happened, i felt well, sort of happy?

i am beautiful yay. =)

JNZL

weird things happen

my face was totally si bei like this when i saw some things off the internet. ok to put it simply, i used facebook for its sole purpose. STALKING.

lol funny tht i stalk? nah, its common just tht ppl dont tell you only.
so i stalked my nemesis sis which i came across as SHOCKING. haha! who ever knew tht such things cld happen?

it makes me realise deeper when i continue to stalk more ppl .
many things really ACTUALLY HAPPEN. and people ard them will be like omg how come he/she so dam lucky. DID HE/SHE SAVE A NATION IN HER PREV LIFE?

lol but i am sure there are not many nations which can be continuously saved and i dont think nations are always in deep shit. like from my childhood right i only know hua mu lan and those high and mighty warriors and kings tht save nations.

so it all boils down to luck? and its just a sign the world is trying so hard to tell us, these are not miracles but in fact unbelievable things which are in your favour can happen to you too.
like maybe i wld think that i can nv ever find a guy to my liking which likes me back (mostimpt lol) may actually happen.

but u nv know what may happen in your future. so work hard now and just let life screw u up or bring you to the highest cloud. well of course many dont wish for screw ups but sometimes screw ups in life made you a better person.

well of course it only happens if u allow tht lesson/ experience to enrich urself and not wallow in it .
like i came to understand more about ............myself, like more about how ppl work.
sort of things.

BUT OF COURSE I WOULD PREFER IF I CAN ALWAYS CONTACT THE PERSON , U KNOW.

like i know i can survive. PLEASE LA WHO CANNOT. BUT.
i would be in a much much more comfortable position and be at ease when i can contact the person freq or as and when i want to contact la . AND OF COURSE IT WLD BE BEST IF THE PERSON REPLIES.

duh.. i wld look like some idiot who keeps spamming bo liao msgs and no one reply me right. like some pathetic shit like tht. been feeling this way for 2 days in a row now. =(

i am a human, i need companionship ma. so even if its a short reply i also happy wad. not as if i intend to have a long convo like tht.

SO ANYWHORE, i am feeling quite out of the norm for 2 days and i skipped sch. YES I DID IT. tsk. i am trying to control myself to be consistent. btw this is my 1st time hor.

i realised it was because i lack communication and when i msg , i got no reply. tutees dont count pls. parents of tutee of course dont count. tweets dont count too. i call also nv get to have a nice chat.

SEE I LIKE SOME CMI PATHETIC SHIT RIGHT. knn. like beggar sia.
tsk. i feel horrible abt myself too but i am only human and this is my flaw. i need to be reassured every time that you will always be there for me when u can ma. i just feels like being abandoned. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND LOR.

so i am so down tht i decided to skip sch and regretted it 2 hrs later because i am a changed person ok. I KAN CHIONG CAUSE I NV ATTEND LECTURE. i wished i cld teleport to sch straight away.

BUT AS I SAID I WAS FEELING OUT OF THE NORM.

so i really really hope ppl ard me can msg me more so tht i feel loved and like ppl are actually concerned abt me.

TSK CANT BELIEVE MY BODY AND BRAIN WAS SO BLOODY UNIFIED to really not study all the way. i think i am a person of extremes. but as i said. I WAS FEELING OUT OF THE NORM. wa piang i think i said this like 8 times? ai ya wadever u get the point.

so i was also feeling awkward. OH BTW I KNOW HOW TO SPELL AWKWARD ALRDY yay. i always had trouble typing it and instead i just replaced it with weird instead , because iphone also cannot help me correct it. embarrassed i also learning to remember how to spell it.lol kns the iphone always auto correct it to embraced. -__-ll
because i suddenly changed myself to be a super efficient person i felt really awkward when ppl promise me to do things and in the end nv do it at the deadline they promised and i had to make up false situation so as to look normal, to get things done.

LIKE I CANNOT TELL HER THAT ITS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO IT AT BLABLABLA TIME AND THEN YOU NEVER DO IT. AND WHY CANT U DO IT SINCE U ARE ALRDY AT YOUR COMPUTER AND I REALLY WANT TO GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH. AND IF YOU CANNOT DO IT BY THEN , YOU SHLD NOT HAVE SAID U CLD WHAT.

so this is what i wanted to say, but of course ,because i am an adult i had to say things like
: oh its not because i want it urgently but because xxx is chasing me so therefore i hope you wld do it quickly preferably by tonight. and when the person still fails to comply

i said: oh its been 2 days alrdy, xxx is chasing me again and its quite bad , get it done by tonight kay.
and I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY THAT ITS NOT I KAN CHIONG BUT THERE ARE REASONS FOR ME TO WANT IT URGENTLY.

AND WHAT'S WITH THE ATTITUDE THT U ARE GIVING ME WHEN U ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY SORRY.

so yar. other things too like i would WANT TO NORMALLY SAY: I KNOW RIGHT, HAHAHA I KNOW WHY U ALSO WANT TO DO THIS. JUST NOW U SAY U DONT WANT THEN WHEN I WENT AHEAD WITH THE PLAN U THINK U MIGHT BE LEFT BEHIND RIGHT. ai ya dont shy la! just admit! hahaha

BUT. i cannot say it out because its too blunt. (see i learn) even though, to me its just honesty and totally not insulting you if you wanna copy me .
 LIKE ITS NOT A SIN TO COPY THE RIGHT THINGS WAD.

 but ppl wld think otherwise and think i am arrogant and BHB and will be like : who do u think you are.

ai ya some ppl pride themselves too high ma. SO even close friends also cannot do it.

ONLY ONE PERSON which i have no restrain because i know that he knows that i totally mean no harm. like it is just a joke. tht wld be sufian lor.

either that it would be i really DONT GIVE A SHIT ABT YOU.

seriously but prob i will stop the religion / race jokes because seems like he cant take tht.

BUT, for others , i dont think they are able to realise that i have no bad intention for friends and i NEVER EVER WANT TO COMPARE MYSELF WITH THEM. please hor , friends dont compare each other, dun want to outdo each other dont want to compete with each other.

LIKE , does it really matter? friends shld be happy for each other when one gets the better. u get what i mean. maybe its only me that thinks this way. tsk tsk my friends and close friends are also quite complex. so i dont think they are able to accept my straightforwardness.well, tht ends my long ranting.

lol can u believe it, i type until my right hand numb.
so i need more msg and care and concern! =(

for a laughing picture , i came across it when i was searching for "surprised' pics.

and i found this. A BLOW UP DOLL . lol i think its funny.

LIKE WHUT?! IT LOOKS SO SCARY! HOW THE HELL ARE U GOING TO PUT UR **** in it?
i wld be scared and get nightmares pls. as in JUST LOOK AT IT. does it even look right. =___=
JNZL

change

i always think, wouldn't it be awesome when one day, with your back turned your familiar friends who never saw u for a long time mistaken you for someone else because you changed for better so much tht they are in awe?

someday i will be as beautiful as those i inspire to be.
because i have a good ground to start with! i have a good and forgiving heart. i know that for a fact because my friends told me so! and my actions made me realise tht i am different.

because i did things ppl thought was impossible.
i was indifferent when everyone told me tht i shld refrain myself.
well i did it. i am proud of it. because right now i am able to face the person with a calm heart.

i m sorry to X & M. the timing is wrong. thank you for looking at the good sides of me, and loving me for who i am. but , i can't accept hearts right now because it doesnt feel right. but i believe someday hopefully not too far away, i will find mine and u will find urs.

because someone said that the rate tht i am changing for the better is very steep! i have done well. =)
=D


JNZL

happy little things in life.

today i was actually really glad about my decision to attend the bowler's meeting and feeling so happy to be close friends with alvin. glad he came even if it was just to see SJ lol.

today meeting made me feel tht ppl actually still remains the same and laughter really brightens everyone's mood. particularly i got to see my fav captain and mjc bowlers. LOL and all the secrets we shared.
WHO EVER KNEW!

and seriously ali guessed abt cal was so .. er... i dunno luh. but when i heard she got attached, i was really happy for her. beauty is really in the eye's of the beholders.

so fast forward to the moment when vin asked if i wanted to chill out. i felt like it and his car was shiok, so i gladly say yes since he wld send me hm no matter how late we chatted. the best part. WE CAN CLICK.

like totally. its so shiok to be able to talk to a guy w/o restraints because u simply have no other motives. which was said by vin. so we were lamenting on the fact tht we are now and STILL SINGLE. well, i am single just tht i broke up. but doesn't matter .

so we were deciding how are we able to attract the opposite sex. and i found out tht since we were both having the same wavelength , i told him tht what we look for in partners are definitely the same. it is we want them to be wise. wise is actually very board base. like for him he doesn't like bimbos and i cant believe if i can ever hook up with a non mature guy who doesn't think abt their futures.

so we both agreed tht we look for partners to complement each other. like i wouldn't like a bubbly guy and wld totally prefer a cool and quiet guy. so we were saying. if we try so hard to attract others, like being totally not ourselves. like me not being vocal. -_-

oh btw i have decided tht from this very moment onwards, i will not say vulgarities thanks to the guy who said it so oud it sounds uncalled for and immature and makes him look bad.
i am serious. i will always have tht image in my mid if i were to spew out vulgarities.

so vin was saying why not be ourselves and take it as though we had no motive at all. cause me and him get tongue tied, or start blabbering nonsense. but then again, what if they liked us and they think we don't like them and give up! espically girls who wants the guys to make the first move.

DIE~~
FOREVER SINGLE LOR.
like what vin said. lol.
he dam funny he was like how come girls dont give him a chance?
MUAHHAHA

oh and vin logic was since all humans are wired up the same way, we are able to love each other . ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. so it IS POSSIBLE. haha.

so i was asking him. wld he find it weird if he wld to suddenly like a super neutral friend. i find it weird. like , how can u SUDDENLY LIKE THIS PERSON. oh and i said he like guy accidentally and we broke into laughters once again since he said he now need to be gay cause no girls like him. LOL. anyway, we just keep laughing.

so i concluded, i dont really need to feel uncomfortable with the guys i like, just be normal, no motive. life wld be easier . and dont relationships hold me back? maybe me and vin are fated to be singles forever. LOL. then we each die tgt ah. so ke lian.

anyway if u all think vin is ugly and dumb. he is actually quite handsome and he is super smart! straight As for a lvl pls, and is going to become a doctor in 5 yrs. LOL. i know right. why the hell isnt he attached? only heaven knows.

and this is when he looks dam cui. =X



and this song is dedicated to alvin teo because this is his fav emo song. lol . i feel for u because i am with u.

-bad things happen for a reason.
JNZL